In the world we are in
I am a faithful citizen.
I walk the dim lit streets
Where the prostitutes creep.
*
Where the pot heads traffic,
But at least they keep active.
But in the world that we all walk,
God soars above like a conniving hawk.
*
The KKK still roams in the heart of the south,
Burning black with red, foaming from the mouth.
Color doesn’t matter but we let green rule us,
Not government, but we are awfully foolish.
*
Yet if green was offered, would we take it?
Such questions make me so frustrated.
We will take the money like a cheap whore
To buy everything we want from the store.
*
But a store filled of pregnant teens,
Is just a store filled with broken dreams.
But the preacher feels no sympathy
Because God does not feel apathy.
*
We are all just his figurines,
Split between, from the seams.
But in the this world that is driven by money
I play a spectator and I think it’s pretty funny.
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I put asterisks in because I cannot find any other way to put spaces between stanzas. This is one entire poem.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Greetings Christian, I'm LastPaladin and I see some great imagery, and some beautiful metaphors. But this poem falls apart, because of two reasons it comes across as preachy and it's kinda navelgazingny. let me elaborate on this more by doing this by stanza.
The start doesn't pull you in, it's bland and unimaginative which is a ashame as you obviously have talent. You just don't pull the readers in. 'Faithful' is the wrong word in this poem, have no suggestions but it doesn't work. Instead of 'Creep' I suggest Plunder, it's an alliteration and sounds better.
This is where it starts to get to preachy, instead of 'pot heads' try druggies. And rhythm is lost with 'keep active' try instead 'they do' Second two lines no complaints.
This is where preaching gets over the top. It's judgemental and ultimately wrong. The KKK are hardly what they were. A better replacement would be 'The bigots'. I think you put 'by' in by mistake. and replace 'green' with 'greed'.
Also by end of this you're beginning to rant more than you should. A catharsis is good. But not here.
This stanza is verging on just painful preaching and jaded rants.
It's nice imagery but with overall poem, doesn't belong. Cut it out.
Ending very sardonic, but overall it's not bad, just make it less preachy and ranting. And it could be good. my main problem with this is it's nothing new, the ideas are cliched and at times they come across as more than annoying.
I hope this helped.