This was mainly practice on my descriptions and is basically just purple prose, but you're welcome to point out mistakes and such. Thanks!
This land goes on forever. The conifer trees are ineffably tall, russet ridged bark twisting and undulating, punctuated by broad boughs. None of them have a singular type of leaf, but have all of them mixed together. Slight needles and radial maple leaves share the same branch, some still caught in autumn’s cool grasp, some shining verdant. Golden globs of amber hang of the trunk and drip from the undersides off branches like so many auric icicles. Every once in a while a luminous orb will drop silently onto the loamy earth. Seeming to sing, they rest at my feet and glow faintly in the twilit shadows.
The ground is covered in slender stems that shyly present velvety violet blooms, swaying and bobbing in an intangible breeze. A sweet airy scent, damp with mist, caresses my face and hair and traces swirls upon my forearms. The twining trail etches a delicate line up a steep mountainside. I climb steadily, keeping my eyes on a dazzling light filtered through the many shaped leaves. Like a sea turtle that travels through the seven seas to find its birthplace, I am on a predestined path that drives me ever onward, through the flickering shades and tints cast upon the earth and the thick tendrils of fog that whisper past my ankles. I can’t stop, even though I’m not sure where I’m going.
A massive tree sits at the end of my road. Almost unconsciously, I start to climb. My muscles have strengthened somehow, and I can clamber from limb to limb with the nimble agility of a jaguar. As I ascend further, the slight chill of mist is superseded by a growing heat that permeates the air. Ever curious, I let the evanescent forces rend my body up towards the shrouded clouds above. I couldn’t have been prepared for what lay at the peak of the gargantuan redwood.
The sky is like a giant mirror, a rippling sea of crystalline reflections. But, instead of the lush forest that stretched forever in all directions, it’s a titanium city swept up in a glaring inferno. The source of the stifling heat is apparent now as the fire roars across the horizon. A radiant skyscraper spire threatens to pierce my brow, inches away from the surface of the vast looking glass sky. Leaves from neighboring treetops shudder violently and tear away from their stems. They whirl up into the open air and pass through the mirror. Their radiant colors burn away and they become dull flakes of ash in the smoke.
The forest is beautiful, but I can only remain for a brief while. I don’t belong here. My place is the land of cinder and sparks, that blazing pyre of passion. Letting go of the all that I know, I release my grip on the tree and fall into the cruel embrace of the flames.
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126,065 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
Wow! Just gorgeous! Loved the use of all the different and uncommon descriptive words! Really painted a picture! I liked how it was really one specific thing, but everything! Really made you feel like you were standing in these surroundings, just wanting to capture everything! One of the best stories I've read so far! Very creative!
I must write a review for this wonderful piece of writing!
First off, the description is beautiful. You focus on one thing so perfectly when you write. However, there is a lot of description. The purpose of this is for you to exercise your ability to create imagery, (which you did) so it's ok. In future stories, hold off a bit. But not too much, because you do it so well.
Second, I like how you made the forest the character's escape from the metal city. It's like how reading and writing takes people away from the world. I also like how the worlds mirror each other. (I'm guessing the sky of the city is the forest) This is so well written. You do have a talent for this.
Last, a little critique on word choice. You said "swaying and bobbing in an intangible breeze," but intangible means not physical, or unable to be touched. Do you mean the wind is soft or light? Be careful of word choice, it might not mean what you think it means. Just a little tip for later pieces.
-M. P. Tigers
Thank you for the feedback! (I meant that the plants were moving by themselves)
Hello, here for a review!
I loved the description in this piece and it is clear that you have a gift for writing. I love nature, so it was wonderful to see you describe it so beautifully. I would love to read more of your writing. The story was so deep and intense that I found myself yearning for more. Keep on doing what you're doing; its wonderful!
XOXO
Anabelle
Thank you! :3
Heyo, Subtle here for a review! If I make any spelling mistakes, I'm sorry but I'm writing this on a tablet. And fingers tends to run array when I do that. Well well, a descriptive piece I see. I will have you known that is my faovurite way to write things, describe everything like crazy do I'm really glad you've written this. Secondly, seconding what Sampson had said, this is a very impressive piece of creative and descriptive writing. Your choice of words were accurated and your use of figurative language has manage to create a very vivid and beautiful tapestry of this land you wanted us to see. Before I say anything else, I would like to say that this is a brilliant short story but I also think it has the potential to develop into something much greater.
Your writing isn't long-winded and you have a good grasp on vocabulary and language usage, and you ended this perfectly as well. It could very well lead to another story with that ending. Whether you intended it or not, it left me wanting for more.
Now, i will give you my two pence on the aspects that you could improve or change. But remember, this is solely my opinion, if you don't like it. That's fine.
The conifer trees,' becuase you are actually deacribing the trees here. I think the adjective coniferous would work better than conifer.
'None of them had a singular type of leaf......' I only wrote the start of this sentence because it would take too long to write out the entire thing. This is a very classic telling, so you want to avoid that. In the next senten you have already written that two different types of leaves shared the same branch, so maybe before that just insert some description about the sunlight glinting off different leaves? It will evoke a sharper image than just saying, 'not all the leaves on the tree are the same kind.
'like so many auric icicles...' What is auric iciles?
'.....filtered through the many shaped leaves...' I think you can be more specific than many-shaped leaves, or write a better description. Saying it filtered through the many shaped leaves sounds plain and it cheapens all the brilliant descriptions before it. Instead, how about 'kaidelescopic (sp) canopy or something? Because the leaves would present different colour's, no? Or alternatively, you could even go a step further and describe the ribbons of sunlight.
'and the thick tendrils of fog.....' I liked the description here, except that this similar description has already been written in a sort of similar way earlier on. Remember the mist tracing her skin? Even in descriptive writing, you want to avoid mentioning the same thing twice or using the same imagery technique. I'm sure there are plenty of other things to describe, even adding a little twist onto that original sentence could make it different. Like how the fog obscure branches? Or maybe how it looks in the afternoon sun? Of course, other might think different. But to me, I think you can do better.
The paragraph beginning with the massive trees has a bit of logic flaw in it. One minute she was seeing the tree, the next she was climbing? O.o I know this could be a dream...but everything has been pretty normal so far, so you might want to explain how she got to that tree. Also, instead of writing, 'there was a massive tree at the end of my road' which is telling the readers that is massive. She's walking right, what harm is it to walk up to that tree (the progress) and at the same time, describe maybe how large the shadow of the tree is or how the tree's size intimidated the MC? Because when you put a description in an action, it is suddenly more vivid because is a moving thing. That way you hit two birds with one stone.
'Stretched forever in all directions....' be concise when you can. 'Infinetely' would describe that whole sentence.
Well, that's all my advice for now. I really liked this piece, so please keep on writing!
-The cat
Thanks a bunch for the feedback! I might use this as a quick prologue for a much longer story, so your review is extremely helpful.
No problem, glad I helped.
Hello, Christata Astera, this Margo here for a quick review.
You have certainly achieved your goal! The level of description here is incredible! Your language is advanced and depicts a majestic forest scene. You made excellent use of literary devices such as alliteration. "Slender stems that shyly present," "blazing pyre of passion." Beautiful! I believe you have succeeded in your quest!
For the purpose of a novel or any other story for that matter, I would reccommend you go a little less heavy on the description. Because you wrote this for the intention of working on your ability to describe, this advice does not apply to this piece. I find in a story with a well-developed plot, too much description can detract away from the plot and leave readers confused. This is just something to keep in mind for future written works. A lovely piece of descriptive writing. Keep at it!
thanks~
My normal writing is way less descriptive than this story, so no worries there.
First of all, whoa. Just whoa. That was intense.
I personally loved this. That's really all I can say because right now I'm at a loss for words because, whoa. That was awesome. You were very descriptive, but not overly so. You painted a beautiful and at times frightening, picture, but you didn't force it into my brain like some writing. I particularly enjoyed this because it was pure imagination and creativity. A dream is the most raw form of imagination available to the human mind and I think you captured it perfectly. Because there is no reason to a dream, no beginning, and no end, there is simply what happens in it and when you wake up, and what you wrote was a perfect representation of exactly that.
oh my goodness, thank you so much!