Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Realistic

12+ Mature Content

​Verex RACH

by ChrisCalaid


Revenge story 1 rAch

Henry was the son of a widow. He worked for his mother all day, but one day he found one thing that was the most interesting in his life. It was chemistry; he heard the word lot in his middle school. But after his Uncle Alstria moved to London, their money grew less and less every day. Henry wasn’t a student anymore; he was a waiter in the restaurant.

Henry decided one day that he has enough money to go to college and pay for the cottage they’ve been staying in. He knew he could work after the class and sent more money. So he bought his ticket for England.

As he was on the train he met a strange person sitting beside his seat. But Henry had the widow, which gave him a spot to move away from the staring man.

The man kept staring at him and dripped a few drops of milkshake every time someone past by. He wore a black business suit and ink-black hat with a white ribbon around the rim. He barely moved and his eyes were sharp as the killer’s knife. His face was shadowed by the hat, but his hair was faded brown. The Man never talked or even murmured.

Then he left dropping a new cigarette between the clipped seatbelt. He walked out of the train when it was announced the train stopped on a West Maine Hill Town. The strange thing is that there were three black marks near the edge of the cigarette. It looked like it was marked with an ink pen or a thin brush. But Henry never saw the men smoke. Or do anything else than staring at him and tilting the milkshake container as people passed by him. The staring man carried nothing but his hat and the tailcoat he owned. The tailcoat according to Henry’s eyes was plain and pockets less. And as Henry observation proved he had nowhere to keep the cigarette in.

It was a strange thing indeed. But he only noticed the man, when the train was to be noticed. There came a sign of warning, but he was in a dream.

Henry went to college and from his grade, he was identified as an excellent student. In his second year, he thought his mother needed a visit, so he took a train again. The passengers were fine, and there only seated a gray-haired man by him. He looked like a man with business. But he also seems to be always tired and he mostly slept with his arm tight against his chest. Sometimes he would order fries and hamburger and share with Henry. But after a few minutes, he would be asleep. It was very usual for an old man, however, it was always a mystery how he could sleep after sleeping hours.

Henry arrived at the train station. There was no one waiting for him there but his beautiful mother was waiting at home. He took his quick striding steps toward an exit. Then, he bumped into a dark furry thing. Henry pushed away his face and stared with his sorry face, ready to explain and apologize. A lady passed by him with an anxious expression. She wore a black fluffy shawl and a dark, strong makeup. She smiled with a look as if she was trying to say hi to a crazy pack of dogs. So mannerly Henry smiled and waved sorry.

He soon arrived at a little comfy cottage. Henry’s mother stood beside the door, waving and hugging after he was nearer to the house.

“Mother,” He spoke with his soothing voice.

“Darling,” She replied with a welcoming smile.

“You’ve changed, wait, what about the cottage? Didn’t you live there?” Henry looked around and spoke.

“My son, I met a wonderful person.” His mother said with a low tone as if telling a sleepy child a story.

“I married him. In the year you worked as a painter in England with your friend, I fell in love once again. And I am pregnant with a boy.”

“Oh, mother, what a wonderful thing!” Henry remarked, but he knew something was happening he didn’t know.is mother married another man?! He just couldn’t believe it! After all the years saying she wouldn’t marry anyone and would only love his father? Pregnant? And he soon noticed her queenly outfits and jewelry.

“We are rich again, Henry. Oh, what a wonderful thing! I don’t care how many wives he has. I love him and we love each other. A feeling I missed for five years! “


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
455 Reviews


Points: 71102
Reviews: 455

Donate
Sun Jun 14, 2020 3:39 am
View Likes
EternalRain wrote a review...



Heya Chris!

What an interesting story!! This carries a very solemn/mysterious/lonely/betrayed tone to it, which I absolutely adore. Henry’s mother’s betrayal (well, I would call it a betrayal!) was so sad! It’s also really clear this story is rooted in themes of money/possibly greed, which I always find really fascinating to read about. I also found this short story a bit smoother and clearer than the one I read yesterday; I found I was able to grasp and understand the things you were trying to convey, so kudos to you! :)

The biggest advice I have plot wise surrounds the ending part, with Henry’s mother. I have a few questions: How did Henry know where to find his mother (if she moved ??). Also, did his mother just never write him letters/did they not communicate? Maybe it’s not to same for Henry, but if hadn’t seen my mother in years, I would definitely be writing letters. However, if there were letters written, I could see it ruining the “surprise” that Henry’s mother is newly married. So perhaps there’s a workaround—Henry’s mother is writing letters but she neglects to mention all this important information? Not too sure!

I’m really curious what the purpose these characters in this story will have! For example, milkshake man seems very mysterious, and so does the lady. I thought the descriptions of these characters were really neat (and I loved some of the similes you used when describing them), but right now they feel a bit disconnected from the actual plot of the story, and more just feel like added descriptors.

So, I think that’s all my thoughts! There were a few mix ups with tense (is this meant to be in past or present tense?) and maybe using something like Grammarly could easily help you clean up some of the grammar errors. Overall I really enjoyed the themes and betrayal plotline here!

Peace,
~EternalRain




ChrisCalaid says...


Million thank you for the review! I really appreciate it!



User avatar
483 Reviews


Points: 5141
Reviews: 483

Donate
Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:45 pm
View Likes
Que wrote a review...



Hey ChrisDixon!

Q here for your review as promised. :)

Henry was the son of a widow. He worked for his mother all day, but one day he found one thing that was the most interesting in his life. It was chemistry; he heard the word lot in his middle school. But after his Uncle Alstria moved to London, their money grew less and less every day. Henry wasn’t a student anymore; he was a waiter in the restaurant.

Henry decided one day that he has enough money to go to college and pay for the cottage they’ve been staying. He knew he can work after the class and sent more money. So he bought his ticket for England.

Okay, a few things here--I wish we saw more emotional feedback from Henry! Is he upset that he didn't get to have a proper education, or does he just love his mother enough that it's worth it? It seems to me like it would be the latter, in which case I wish we could see more of his excitement about chemistry! "As much as he loved his mother, Henry knew that he had to take the chance to pursue chemistry, something that interested him far more than working as a waiter for the rest of his life," something like that would help to hint more at Henry's motivations and feelings. When he ends up going to college later, I would also love to see something there about his pursuit of chemistry!

Also, I'm not quite sure how plausible this is. Sorry to be poking holes, but it can take a lot of money to go to college! You could get around this by having a college show interest in Henry and give him a scholarship to help him out. Still, if he dropped out of schooling in middle school, it seems more likely that he'd go to a community college rather than one far away? Even though far away makes more sense for your plot. I'm curious about how much his mother works, and if she's been able to help contribute to his college fund as well.

The man kept staring at him and dripped a few drops of milk shake every time someone past by. He wore a black business suit and ink black hat with a white ribbon around the rim. He barely moved and his eyes were sharp as the killer’s knife. His face was shadowed by the hat, but his hair was faded brown. The Man never talked or even murmured.

Then he left dropping a new cigarette between the clipped seatbelt. He walked out of the train when it was announced the train stopped on a West Maine Hill Town. The strange thing is that there were three black marks near the edge of the cigarette. It looked like it was marked with an ink pen or a thin brush. But Henry never saw the men smoke.

It seemed weird to me here that this man would be dripping milkshake before the readers even know he has a milkshake in the first place! Maybe the description should come first? Or at least the part about holding the milkshake before you go on to talk about him dripping it. Also, with the cigarette bit, it seems really specific. The man is described as staring, but it seems like Henry is staring even more! Does he go over and pick up the cigarette in order to examine it? That would make more sense.

“You’ve changed, wait, what about the cottage? Didn’t you live there?” Henry looked around and spoke.

And how come she never wrote much in a letter for her only son?

This seems like it doesn't quite work out. Does Henry write letters and have her never respond? If so, then how does he know to come to wherever her new house is? He just seems to show up, but if his mother has moved, then that seems like it would be a major affair and he would have to get directions to wherever she's living now, in any case. This part just didn't quite seem to work out, and I wish there had been more buildup to it!

“We are rich again, Henry. Oh, what a wonderful thing! I don’t care how much wives he has. I love him and we love each other. A feeling I missed for five years! “

Five years? It seems like her husband had died maybe ten years ago, when Henry had to drop out of school, but I can't quite tell what your timeline is.

Alright, one of my bigger overall points is the three people Henry meets. I'm just not sure what they're up to? I think the first guy was kind of suspicious, and I think it would be really interesting to see Henry's mother wind up married to him as a strange and creepy coincidence! However, since I don't know where your story is going, it's really hard to tell the relevance of the other two characters. You focus a lot on the three of them, and if they aren't all that important, then I think it would be better to shift your focus to Henry's character and his relationship with his mother, since that will be a constant in your story.

One more thing is just some general description might be nice. Yes, we see a lot of detail about the three characters you've had Henry meet, but readers know very little about Henry's college experience, where he currently lives, who his uncle is (he was only mentioned once!) and what his mother is like before she gets married. No matter where your story is going next, it's good to have a really solid foundation under you. When Henry's mother gets married, does he wonder about the people that he used to know living here? Does he have friends, does she have acquaintances that could have turned closer while he was away? You don't have to bombard the reader with exposition, but just dropping hints at this background could go a long way. :)

Other than that, it's a very interesting story! You should keep an eye out for some grammar slips, just make sure to re-read and check for them. ;) I'm very curious about how the title of "revenge" will come into play, and it's making me pleasantly suspicious of everyone you've introduced. The mother getting married so quickly after Henry left is particularly strange. It kind of gives off Hamlet vibes in the best way. :D

That's all I've got for you! Let me know if you have any questions, or if you write the second part to this. I'm curious to see what happens next! :)

-Q




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate it. This is kind of introduction/prologue to the next part. I'll try my best to write the next part, but I'm stuck at a certain part so. I understand what you mean by needing some general description. And your kind thoughts about this story.
Again thank you for the review.
>ChrisDixon



Que says...


My pleasure! Good luck with getting past the part you're stuck on. I'll get to your second piece by tomorrow. :)



User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 48
Reviews: 99

Donate
Sun Apr 26, 2020 4:00 am
View Likes
Tawsif wrote a review...



Hi, ChrisDixon!

I think this story needs a bit of proofreading. There are a number of typos which you'll be able to identify once you proofread the storu.

Henry decided one day that he has enough money to go to college and pay for the cottage they’ve been staying.

It should be '...the cottage they've been staying at.'

knew he can work after the class and sent more money.

It should be '...send more money.'

pockets less. It's actually pocket-less, a compound word.

And as Henry observation proved he had nowhere to keep the cigarette in.

It should be Henry's observation.

Oh, mother, what I wonderful things.”

I think you can understand what the problem is within this sentence.

After all the years saying she wouldn’t marry anyone and would only love his father?

It should be 'After all the years of saying.......'

You have an interesting plot. But you need more consistency between the paragraphs and also better transition from one scene to another. Do that, and it will be more enjoyable to read.

KEEP WRITING




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you



Tawsif says...


I suddenly had a feeling yesterday I was a little harsh in my review. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.



ChrisCalaid says...


No, you didn't offend me. I really appreciate your review. And it was very helpful.

Again thank you for your review.
>ChrisDixon



User avatar
62 Reviews


Points: 800
Reviews: 62

Donate
Sat Apr 11, 2020 9:48 pm
View Likes
Plume wrote a review...



Hi! Silverquill here with a review.

First off, your imagery is stunning. I love the way you describe the different things in your story. I could see the pictures in my mind very well. You conveyed emotion well, and also built intrigue to such an extent I hope you continue. You've introduced many characters and I wonder how each of them will tie into later continuations, if you decide to take it further.

Some things I noticed: you don't need to capitalize clauses that come after a semicolon. It's actually incorrect to do so (unless the word would otherwise be capitalized). Since it's still part of the same sentence, no need for a capital letter. I'd also read through it one more time just to straighten up verb tenses and moods. I noticed that there were some abrupt switches that I'm not sure were intentional; I'd suggest reading it out loud, and if it doesn't sound natural, change it.

Also: I really love your first sentence. I don't quite know why; something about just resonates with me and I found it to be a great start to this piece.

Hope this helps!




ChrisCalaid says...


Thank you for the review. It helped a lot~!

>ChrisDixon




Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars