Young Writers Society

Heya Chris!

What an interesting story!! This carries a very solemn/mysterious/lonely/betrayed tone to it, which I absolutely adore. Henry’s mother’s betrayal (well, I would call it a betrayal!) was so sad! It’s also really clear this story is rooted in themes of money/possibly greed, which I always find really fascinating to read about. I also found this short story a bit smoother and clearer than the one I read yesterday; I found I was able to grasp and understand the things you were trying to convey, so kudos to you!

The biggest advice I have plot wise surrounds the ending part, with Henry’s mother. I have a few questions: How did Henry know where to find his mother (if she moved ??). Also, did his mother just never write him letters/did they not communicate? Maybe it’s not to same for Henry, but if hadn’t seen my mother in years, I would definitely be writing letters. However, if there were letters written, I could see it ruining the “surprise” that Henry’s mother is newly married. So perhaps there’s a workaround—Henry’s mother is writing letters but she neglects to mention all this important information? Not too sure!

I’m really curious what the purpose these characters in this story will have! For example, milkshake man seems very mysterious, and so does the lady. I thought the descriptions of these characters were really neat (and I loved some of the similes you used when describing them), but right now they feel a bit disconnected from the actual plot of the story, and more just feel like added descriptors.

So, I think that’s all my thoughts! There were a few mix ups with tense (is this meant to be in past or present tense?) and maybe using something like Grammarly could easily help you clean up some of the grammar errors. Overall I really enjoyed the themes and betrayal plotline here!

Peace,
~EternalRain

Hey ChrisDixon!

Q here for your review as promised.

Henry was the son of a widow. He worked for his mother all day, but one day he found one thing that was the most interesting in his life. It was chemistry; he heard the word lot in his middle school. But after his Uncle Alstria moved to London, their money grew less and less every day. Henry wasn’t a student anymore; he was a waiter in the restaurant.

Henry decided one day that he has enough money to go to college and pay for the cottage they’ve been staying. He knew he can work after the class and sent more money. So he bought his ticket for England.

The man kept staring at him and dripped a few drops of milk shake every time someone past by. He wore a black business suit and ink black hat with a white ribbon around the rim. He barely moved and his eyes were sharp as the killer’s knife. His face was shadowed by the hat, but his hair was faded brown. The Man never talked or even murmured.

Then he left dropping a new cigarette between the clipped seatbelt. He walked out of the train when it was announced the train stopped on a West Maine Hill Town. The strange thing is that there were three black marks near the edge of the cigarette. It looked like it was marked with an ink pen or a thin brush. But Henry never saw the men smoke.

“You’ve changed, wait, what about the cottage? Didn’t you live there?” Henry looked around and spoke.

And how come she never wrote much in a letter for her only son?

“We are rich again, Henry. Oh, what a wonderful thing! I don’t care how much wives he has. I love him and we love each other. A feeling I missed for five years! “

Hi, ChrisDixon!

I think this story needs a bit of proofreading. There are a number of typos which you'll be able to identify once you proofread the storu.

Henry decided one day that he has enough money to go to college and pay for the cottage they’ve been staying.

It should be '...the cottage they've been staying at.'

knew he can work after the class and sent more money.

It should be '...send more money.'

pockets less. It's actually pocket-less, a compound word.

And as Henry observation proved he had nowhere to keep the cigarette in.

It should be Henry's observation.

Oh, mother, what I wonderful things.”

I think you can understand what the problem is within this sentence.

After all the years saying she wouldn’t marry anyone and would only love his father?

It should be 'After all the years of saying.......'

You have an interesting plot. But you need more consistency between the paragraphs and also better transition from one scene to another. Do that, and it will be more enjoyable to read.

KEEP WRITING

Hi! Silverquill here with a review.

First off, your imagery is stunning. I love the way you describe the different things in your story. I could see the pictures in my mind very well. You conveyed emotion well, and also built intrigue to such an extent I hope you continue. You've introduced many characters and I wonder how each of them will tie into later continuations, if you decide to take it further.

Some things I noticed: you don't need to capitalize clauses that come after a semicolon. It's actually incorrect to do so (unless the word would otherwise be capitalized). Since it's still part of the same sentence, no need for a capital letter. I'd also read through it one more time just to straighten up verb tenses and moods. I noticed that there were some abrupt switches that I'm not sure were intentional; I'd suggest reading it out loud, and if it doesn't sound natural, change it.

Also: I really love your first sentence. I don't quite know why; something about just resonates with me and I found it to be a great start to this piece.

Hope this helps!