Hey ChrisDixon! Here as requested.
This was certainly an interesting read! I like the idea of a character who’s unsure of who they are—and likely feels forgotten, lonely, and lost in the world. Based on the flashbacks (which Will doesn’t seem to understand), something seemed to have happened. I’m a bit unclear on what that “something” is, though. Was Will sent off by his father (or his mother’s husband) due to his imperfection at birth? It seems like that, but the actions the mother notices Will’s hand confused me a bit. What exactly is everyone doing? I think it’s good if Will is still confused about what’s happening in his memories, but I think a bit more crisp/clarified imagery for the reader’s sake could be very helpful! I don’t mind if some parts of the story are still up in the air (I love stories like that, personally), I would just love for the last couple of scenes to be a bit more refined.
The desperation of Will’s mother was conveyed very nicely, though. The repetition of her begging and begging and begging was a really nice touch—it also creates this really eerie atmosphere, which I totally love. Also, the fact that Will is only nine right now adds to the eeriness of the piece, in my opinion. Children characters in mystery stories can add a new dimension of sad/scary.
He crawled between death bodies every day to get out to the upper world.
This also confused me—is crawling out every day something Will does? And then he goes back down? I’m not sure I understand the purpose of him living between his underground world and the upper world (especially because he begs for shelter). That being said, I think this concept is suuuper interesting! A boy living (presumably alone) underground is a fascinating idea.
Another idea I really liked was the first line, “It’s a little game and a thousand deaths.” This makes me really curious of what this is about :0 Right now, I’m a bit uncertain of how this connects to the rest of the story! But I feel like this story has a lot of potential to be expanded upon. It feels a little incomplete in the sense that it doesn’t have a traditional beginning/middle/end, but maybe if there was something towards the end of the story that connected with the first line, that could be enough closure while keeping the story a bit ambiguous.
Overall, this is a really interesting concept! I would love for a little more clarity in some of the imagery (especially with the flashbacks), and maybe something that ties the ending together more. I hope this review helps, and I’ll see you tomorrow for your next short story!
Peace,
~EternalRain
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Reviews: 456
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