Nightwalker

It was the eve of Finals, the only part of a tournament that ever really mattered. Maiora, daughter of Sugil and Draiko, stared out her window and sighed. What is the point of this useless tournament, anyway? She thought, gazing as the three moons of Yusuna danced across the sky. Tomorrow, she was to fight Ky, one of the only people that actually mattered to her. The fight would be to the death.

It was not by choice that she had entered this tournament. It had started as a harmless form of entertainment for the restless citizens of the Yusun Empire, yet since the current emperor, Suyano III, had taken the throne; it had grown into something much more. The tournament used to be entered only be free will. Now, sons were taken from each village, willingly or not. Daughters were occasionally taken as well, like Maiora herself, if they displayed unusual talents. These sons and daughters were brought to Naiyu, the capital, and forced to fight in a tournament to the death. The winner was draped with wealth and splendor, yet forever racked with the guilt of killing another Yusunian.

She slipped off her window seat and over to the large bed that sat in the middle of the room. Not her room, not her bed. She would never think of them as such. She was only participating in this brutal tournament because the emperor, wretch that he was, was holding her family captive in the dungeon and would kill them in a heartbeat if his slightest whim caused him to fancy such an idea. As she slipped between the smooth sheets of the bed, she thought of Ky. As soon as they met, they had become great friends. They had both come from the northern region of Suyu, and both had been forcefully taken from their families. They met in the dank pit of a room that all the parcipitants are taken to at the start, and had started talking. She had been intrigued by his silver hair and night-blue eyes, and he by her auburn hair and big green eyes. Soon, they had told each other everything about themselves.

Maiora sighed and hugged herself. She was in love with him. He had been her only solace in that cold place, and even now in the lap of luxury. Such was the cruelty of the emperor, forcing them to kill friend and foe alike. And now she wouldn’t even get to know if he felt the same way about her. Tomorrow they would fight, and only one would be left standing, for their families’ lives were on the line. A tap on her window sounded. She sat up, the blanket slipping down to her lap. She slid out of bed and walked over, cautiously peeking out the window. A familiar shape waved at her. “Ky!” she breathed with relief. She opened the window and let him in. “What are you doing here?”

He touched her cheek gently. “I wanted to make sure my girl was ok. “ he smiled and swung inside, sitting on the windowsill. “Are you still having nightmares?”

She shuddered. Ever since the first round of the tournament, she had been plagued by nightmares that haunted her every moment, be it waking or otherwise. Always, they were the same thing, a victim on the ground, pleading for their life and she raised her sword and dealt a deadly blow. Then, she would feed on the blood spurting out of the neck from her fierce decapitation. You see, Maiora was no normal girl. She was a Nightwalker, a vampire of one of the oldest clans on Yusuna. Ky, however, was a mortal human. One of the Death Dealer families, committed to slaying the Nightwalkers. Yet the two of them were closer to each other then they were to any other member of their family. Ky rejected the ways of the Death Dealer, and Maiora the bindings of the Nightwalker, making her the only one to survive the twin suns of their planet in centuries. That is why she was dragged into the tournament, and she loathed the emperor for it.

“Ah.” He said softly, noticing her expression. “So you’re still having them.”

She nodded. “They won’t stop. I’ve tried everything, from holy water to sleeping upside down, yet still they come.” She closed her eyes. “It’s because of this twice-cursed tournament.” She punched a pillow lying on the window seat. “A bane on that god-forsaken emperor of ours!! He has no right to live!”

He touched her arm. “There’s nothing we can do about it. He has a stranglehold on us.” Then, he sat back. “And everybody has a right to live. Some people just abuse it, like our emperor.”

She glared at the pillow. “You don’t know him like I do.”

On the first day of the tournament, they had been paraded in front of the emperor as if to show him what kind of people he had taken. As Maiora had passed in front of him, he halted the line and stepped up to her. “So you are the Nightwalker girl who can survive the suns.” He said, cupping her face in his hand. “You look nothing like him.” He sighed. “It is a pity, though you are beautiful. It will be a shame to stain those lovely hands of yours.” He dropped her face. “But I’m afraid you must.” He stepped back up onto his throne and pressed the tips of his fingers together. “Otherwise, your family shall pay the price. They shall die at my hand. And believe me, my dear Maiora, I do not wish do so, so you had better do as you’re told.”

“He is evil.” She said quietly, still staring at the pillow. “I wish we didn’t have to fight.”

He looked down as well. “I know. I feel the same way.” Then, he looked up, a glint of steel in his deep blue eyes. “But he has Elyra, and your family. We cannot let him kill them”

Maiora felt a pang in her heart. Elyra was his fiancé, the only person in the world who mattered to him more than she herself did. At least, that was how he acted about her. “I cannot let him harm my family any more, either.” She replied, careful to keep a waver out of her voice. She looked up at him. “Tomorrow… do not hold back.”

He ruffled her hair. “I wouldn’t even think of it.” He skipped out the window again and, waving, down a story to his room. Maiora watched after him, a small smile on her face, then she turned to her bed.

“Sleep.” She said, crawling in her bed, fighting the impulse to hang off the canopy like a bat. Not that it mattered. She usually ended up there, anyway.

Meanwhile, one floor down, Ky leaned against the wall next to his window. “Mai…” he said, using his pet name for her. He sighed and pushed off the wall. Things were so confusing. She was a Nightwalker, and he a Death Dealer, yet there was an undeniable attraction that, even when he fought it, still overwhelmed his mind and controlled his impulses. He sank down onto the bed that he had pushed to one side of the room, reluctant to give himself over to sleep’s gentle embrace. For lately, her embrace had not been so gentle. It had been racked with prophetic dreams and nightmares, most of them involving fangs sprouting from Maiora’s gums and sinking into his neck. He shook his head. Even though the gift of prophecy ran in his bloodline, they didn’t always come true.

He didn’t want to kill her. He didn’t want to do anything to hurt her, yet he had a duty to his family, and to the Empire, and he couldn’t fight without sleep. So, he laid his head down and drifted to the realm of nightmares.

He was standing in the middle of the huge coliseum in which the battles were fought, a sword in his hand. Maiora stood across from him, her favored rapier still sheathed. The emperor stood and raised a hand. He waited a few seconds, then dropped it, the signal to fight. He raised his sword and stood firmly, awaiting any attack that may come. However, his friend only stood there, a dead look in her eyes. “Mai?” he asked, lowering his sword and walking over to her. Boos from the crowd sounded. They wanted action. They wanted blood. He ignored them and touched her shoulder. “You ok?”

She raised her head, her eyes drained to pale silver. “I’m hungry.” She opened her mouth, revealing glistening fangs curving down from her upper gums. “Can you help me? I need food. I need to feed.” She leaned in closer to him, bending near his neck.

“Mai…snap out of it. You said you gave up the bindings of a Nightwalker, remember?” he said calmly, trying to placate her.

She snarled. “Why would I give up my heritage for a puny Death Dealer like you?” she sank her fangs into his throat and drank him dry, throwing his lifeless body to the ground and raising her head in triumph, her blood-stained mouth open in a hideous grimace.

Ky opened his eyes and shot up. “Oh… just a dream.” He said in relief. He put a hand to his forehead. I hope it’ll turn out to be just a dream… he thought, flopping back. After a few minutes of lying there, he got up and got dressed. Breakfast stood on his nightstand. Obviously, some maid had snuck in during the night, eager to get a glimpse of his sleeping face. He sighed. These maids were so predictable. But, he still sat down and tucked into his meal, his sword heavy on his hip, and an even heavier weight on his heart, knowing that this was the last day he ever got to see Maiora. And that he may have to kill her.

Meanwhile, Maiora was having a similar dream. She watched helplessly as her body ripped off Ky’s head and gorged itself on the blood. She awoke with a sense of foreboding. Somehow, she had managed to repress her Hunger so far, but how would she react to the blood of the man she loved? She shuddered, not wanting to think about it. She flipped down from off the canopy where she had been sleeping; bat-like and got dressed, donning the traditional green and blue of her family crest. She picked up her rapier and pulled it out of its sheath. The folded steel blade far surpassed any human or Nightwalker workmanship, and could withstand centuries. She had found it in the ruins on her family’s land, and had fought with it ever since. The hilt had a single red bloodstone set into the obsidian pommel, and a small rope of gold filigree wound around it, forming the hand guard. A knock sounded on her door. “Come in.” she called, sheathing her blade again.

A timid maid opened the door. “Excuse me, miss. I have your breakfast.”

Maiora turned to face the maid. “Yes, thank you. Can you set it on the nightstand?” The maid quickly did so and hurried out of the room. Maiora sighed. All the maids were scared of her. She had been the only Nightwalker in the tournament, and many of them had never seen or spoken with one before. Naturally, they thought she was a monster that would eat them, given the chance. Unfortunately, when it came to most Nightwalkers, that was the case. She sat down and ate it, though it only contained a few slices of bread and butter and an orange. Hardly enough for a warrior, but she never complained, for the emperor still held her family. The one time she had tried to escape, he had taken her little sister, who had only been five, and killed her right in front of her as the Sela, the imperial guard, held her back. She finished the measly excuse for a meal, slipped on her sword belt, and stepped out into the corridor.

Downstairs, Ky had already finished and was busy polishing his sword. He finished and held it up to the light, admiring the way the light reflected off it. It had been his grandfather’s sword, entrusted to him when he had graduated the Death Dealer Academy at the top of his class. Of course, he had never even guessed back then that he would become friends with the very being he was sworn to kill. He nodded in satisfaction and sheathed it, clipping the sheath to his belt. He stretched, then opened the heavy oak door to his room and walked briskly down the hall. Maids giggled as he passed, thinking him handsome, and the male servants glared at him, jealous of all the attention he was getting from the maids. He met Maiora on the main floor. “How’d you sleep last night?” he asked, unable to stop a concerned tone from slipping into his voice.

She rubbed her forehead. “Another nightmare.” She looked up at him. “I have a really bad feeling about this, Ky. I do not think I will be able to control it this time.”

He hugged her. “It’s all right. It doesn’t matter if you’re able to or not.” He stood back and looked at her. “All that matters is if you tried to stop it, ok? That is what shows you have a good heart.”

She sighed. “I guess. But I cannot help but feel that something bad is going today.”

“To tell you the truth, I have the same feeling.” He said, falling into step beside her. It was a beautiful day outside, with a clear purple sky that was the usual for Yusuna. However, grey storm clouds gathered in the distance, promising rain later. Nonetheless, they continued on toward the magnificent coliseum that was the jewel of the Yusun empire. It was 600 feet in diameter, and towered ten stories over the streets of Naiyu. Made of marble and obsidian, it looked as if t was made of bones and dried blood in the morning light of the twin suns. And with the Tournament going on, perhaps it actually was. They reached the base of it. “Well, be seeing you.” He said, turning to the right.

She nodded. “Yeah. Be seeing you.” Unspoken words hung between them; the knowledge that when they did meet again, it would be on the battlefield in a fight to the death. She turned to the left, and headed to the A-block entrance. As she walked on, her steps grew heavier, knowing that every one brought her closer to a fate she did not wish for. She reached the entrance and stepped inside. The cold, dank area where the fighters waited was empty. All the others were gone. All that were left was her and Ky, yet after today, there would only be one. She sank onto one of the stone benches, trying to gather her thoughts, to straighten the tangled mess of hurt, sorrow, and guilt in her heart. Today was the day, and it was kill or be killed. Her head flopped back and she stared at the ceiling. I have no choice… she reminded herself reluctantly, but deep down, she knew that a small, dark part in her heart was eager for the kill. Her Nightwalker instinct, her Hunger.

Ky sat on the opposite side of the coliseum, in a room that was a twin to the one where Maiora sat. He had his head on his hands, trying to remind himself that it was for his family. That she was a Nightwalker, so it was ok. But it wasn’t ok. She was his friend. No, more than a friend. He loved her, he realized, sitting up with a start. Then, he laughed, first quietly, then one loud enough to echo. “How ironic. Two people from warring races fall in love, yet are forced to kill each other.” His laugh turned bitter. “How cruel the emperor is.”

A memory came to both of them at once: the day they had met. Maiora had just gotten back from a fight, and was hunched over in a corner, her emerald eyes dulled. Ky had seen her and went to kneel in front of her. "Why so sad?" he asked softly.

She raised her head, showing the small, pointed fangs that protruded from her upper gum. "I'm so Hungry... It's hard to control..."

He swallowed, knowing that what he was about to do broke all of the Death Dealer codes. He sat next to her and put a hand on her head. "It's ok." he reassured. "You're strong. You'll get through it." He didn't think about why he had helped her, he just... did. Even though she was a Nightwalker, albeit one that could survive the suns. Who knew that they would come this far? Who knew that it could hurt this much to do something he was supposedly born to do?

A guard came to the entrance to the coliseum, breaking his stupor. “It is time.” He growled, motioning for Ky who got up and walked out into the coliseum, the sting of the irony not yet faded. The roar of the bloodthirsty crowd surrounded him, screaming at him to kill the filthy Nightwalker, that he was a Death Dealer, he could do it. He looked across the packed ground to see Maiora walking towards him, head held high. He smiled to himself. He knew she wouldn’t let the jeering crowds get to her. He faced her, hand on his sword hilt, his heart breaking into a million pieces.

A hush fell over the crowd. Maiora looked up into the stands and narrowed her green eyes as the emperor ascended the throne. “Let the finals of the tournament now commence!” he shouted, clapping his scepter on the ground. The crowd erupted into a roar again. He sat back, satisfied, and eyed the two on the battlefield. What shall you do, my little puppets? Will you dance on my string, or will your families pay the price? Choose wisely. Many fates lie in your hands. He thought, putting his fingertips together as was his habit.

Ky drew his sword and rushed Maiora. She leapt back, surprised, and drew her rapier. Its point slipped in and out, weaving an intricate pattern that he could barely follow. The rapier just missed him and he ducked, throwing a kick up toward her head. Anticipating this, she flipped over his head, forward, and sent her rapier slicing toward his neck. The crowd was on the edge of their seats, expecting this to be the final blow, but he rolled out of the way, the blade only slicing a shallow cut on the side of his neck, blood pouring out.

Maiora’s eyes widened. They grew shades paler as she went after him in earnest, now. Her Nightwalker instinct was taking over. Ky stumbled back, her flickering blade barely an inch from his neck, face, nose. He was overwhelmed by her unusually aggressive attack, and was surprised that she would be so harsh with him, even though they had an unspoken pact not to hold back. Then, he noticed her eyes. They were almost completely silver, with only a hint of green left. She was in her last vestiges of control. “Mai!” he gasped, trying to stay out of her sword reach. “Come on, fight it! You can control it!” he parried desperately, but he was losing ground, the force of her Hunger pushing him back.

She blinked, and her eyes got a shade darker, but lightened again when she made another cut, this time on his exposed arm. “Blood…” she hissed, her blade swishing faster, become a flashing blur that he couldn’t even begin to see. “Food… I need to feed…”

Ky gasped. It was just like his dream. He tripped, distracted, and in an instant, Maiora was on him. She sank ivory fangs into his neck, drawing out the lifeblood running in his veins. He screamed, agony coursing through his body. She shivered in pure ecstasy, drinking deeply until he went limp in her arms. She stood up and threw her head back, her blood-stained mouth howling to the skies.

“Mai…” he gasped, holding on to his last bit of life.

She gasped and the color returned to her eyes. She looked down at him lying on the ground. “Ky!” she knelt down and touched his neck. “Did… I do this?” he nodded weakly and she grabbed him in a rough hug, the blood running down his neck, staining her clothes a dark brown. “God, Ky, I’m so sorry!!”

“It’s all right.” He rasped. “You tried to control it. That’s what counts…Mai… I love you…” and with those last words on his lips, he died in her arms.

Tears streaked down her face, mixing with the blood. “Ky…” she hugged him, his corpse still warm. “I love you, too.” She leaned back and brushed his silver hair out of his face. “I just never got to tell you.” She closed his eyes and hugged him again.

“Well, isn’t that sweet?” the emperor’s voice came from behind her. Somehow, he had gotten from his throne to the battlefield without anyone noticing.

Her eyes snapped open, and she spun around, whipping her rapier out of its sheath. “You vile excuse for a human!” she spat, her sword point at his throat. The Sela immediately moved, but the emperor held up a hand, allowing her to finish. “You bring children here, force them to fight, and this is what happens.” She pointed at Ky’s still body fiercely. “He was the best friend I ever had, the only friend I ever had, and you took him away from me!”

The emperor smiled cruelly. “Yet who was it that lost control of their Hunger and fed on the one they love?”

Maiora snarled. “And who was it that brought about the events that that caused me to lose control?”

He bowed. “Why, you, of course. You were the one that allowed yourself to feel so deeply for him, not me. All I did was bring you two together in this tournament.”

She opened her mouth, about to shoot an answer back, but found she had none. He was right. “A bane on you and your house.” She said quietly.

He tilted an ear towards her. “Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that.”

She looked up at him, a steely look in her green eyes. “A bane on you and your house!” she shouted. “I cast a curse on you! May you and your family never enter Heaven! I curse you to forever remain in Purgatory after your death!!” the crowd collectively gasped and immediately started a roar of conversation.

The emperor laughed, throwing back his head and immediately silencing the crowd. “You curse me? And my family? We shall never enter Heaven, you say?”

“What is so funny about such a curse?” Maiora shrieked, angry that her declaration was taken so lightly.

He looked back at her, a smirk on his face. “You don’t get it? I am your uncle. You father is my brother. Yes, I imprisoned my own brother.” He said in response to the look on her face. “We are related by blood, you and I. You have just cursed yourself and your entire family! Now you shall never join your love in Heaven and your family shall suffer with you!!” he threw back his head and laughed, not caring that he was included in the curse. Maiora sank to her knees in despair. She was never going to see Ky again. She was also the niece of the very man she despised the most. Tears ran down her face once more. “It can’t be.” She whispered. “It simply can’t…” and she crumpled to the ground as the emperor laughed, and thunder growled in the distance.

Comments & reviews · 6
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I read this yesterday but I didn't get a chance to comment. Well anyways, I like the way that you wrote this. You make the world that they live in seem so real but than there's sort of his fantasy quality that grabs you in. When I got to know the characters and what happened at the end, I cried. The only thing that I would suggest that you add is maybe make a scene where Mai and Ky's love for each other is more hinted at. Other than that this was great, Keep writing!!

User avatar
Sakah
Review
Sakah wrote a review · Mon Aug 18, 2008 7:02 pm

What a fantastic story! I absolutely love the plot and the characters and how well you portrayed their feelings. I can only think of a few things you would need to work on. I think a little more description of how strong Maiora's thirst for blood is and how it takes over her sanity would make it a little more realistic. The ending's so sad, but it was quite an interesting one.

Okay, now into the technical details. When it comes to dreams, I think you should put it into italics because it was a little confusing to read (As in, when the story pauses and the dream starts. Did that make any sense?)

I must say kudos, because this really is an excellent short story! Good job, and I hope you post more of your work here (remember to review atleast 2:1<--story and you'll get a lot more reviews in return) ;)

User avatar
sworddance
Review

Hey chosen--love this =D Would I be correct in assuming this is the entire story? As is, I think you have a pretty solid plot and characters, as well as a world unique unto itself. Very well done =)

Praise aside tho =P there were some things I noticed in this piece that need to be worked on, so here's my usual pick-apart:

"Maiora, daughter of Sugil and Draiko, stared out her window and sighed. What is the point of this useless tournament, anyway? She thought, gazing as the three moons of Yusuna danced across the sky. Tomorrow, she was to fight Ky, one of the only people that actually mattered to her. The fight would be to the death."
-->move that to its own paragraph, as it's definitely a transition between narratives
-->In this context it would be a good idea to italicize thought, and the "she" after the thought needs to be lowercase no matter what your spellcheck tells you XD
-->that thought sentence is a bit awkward, as we don't see what she's gazing at directly; I'd suggest something like "gazing at the three moons of Yusuna as they danced across the night sky" or "gazing out at the night sky as the three moons of Yusuna danced across it" or sumthin like that
-->"one of the only people that actually mattered to her" is also a bit awkward. I suggest "one of the few people left in this world who actually mattered to her."
-->Either way, it needs to be "who" not "that"
-->For effect and emphasis, I vote moving that very last sentence to its own paragraph

"It had started as a harmless form of entertainment for the restless citizens of the Yusun Empire, yet since the current emperor, Suyano III, had taken the throne; it had grown into something much more."
-->It isn't immediately obvious that you're explaining the history;
-->that semicolon is definitely used incorrectly;
-->this entire paragraph feels a bit like info-dumping, so work in some reaction to her narrative thoughts;
-->basically, add all that up and I'd suggest something like this: "Long ago, it had begun as a harmless form of entertainment for the restless citizens of the Yusun Empire, but ever since the current emperor--Suyano III, who Maiora hated with an undying passion--had taken the throne, it had grown into something much more."

"The tournament used to be entered only be free will."
-->by, not be

"Now, sons were taken from each village, willingly or not."
-->awkward, a bit--I vote "whether they willed it or no."

"fight in a tournament"
-->this, not a, considering it's just this tournament that she's referring to

"racked"
-->wracked

"She slipped off her window seat and over to the large bed that sat in the middle of the room. Not her room, not her bed."
-->second sentence is a fragment; I suggest joining the two with a dash: "middle of the room--not her room, not her bed."
-->but while denying that it could ever be thought of as hers, you refer to it as "her window seat," so you might want to change that to "the window seat"

"As she slipped between the smooth sheets of the bed, she thought of Ky."
-->should be a new paragraph

"They met in the dank pit of a room that all the parcipitants are taken to at the start"
-->participants
-->They "had" met, please =P
-->"were" taken to
-->just a minor detail, but it might be smoother if you said "room to which all the participants were taken"

"at the start, and had started talking."
-->see the problem? I vote changing one of those to beginning or begun

"A tap on her window sounded."
-->needs to start a new paragraph--definite transition from thought to action

"She sat up, the blanket slipping down to her lap. She slid out of bed and walked over"
-->she then she again; perhaps combine the first sentence with the one before it.

"A familiar shape waved at her. “Ky!” she breathed with relief."
-->New paragraph at the start of both those sentences

“I wanted to make sure my girl was ok. he smiled and swung inside, sitting on the windowsill. “Are you still having nightmares?”
-->fix that quotation mark
-->He should be capitalized
-->"smiled and swung inside" makes that smile seem very brief, like a moment in itself; I suggest tweaking the sentence a bit to say "He smiled, swinging inside and sitting on the windowsill."

"Always, they were the same thing, a victim on the ground, pleading for their life and she raised her sword and dealt a deadly blow."
-->a bit awkward, a bit incorrect punctuation- and grammar-wise, and a bit melodramatic due to lack of thought and personality; I vote "Always, they were the same thing: a victim on the ground pleading for his (or her?) life as she raised her sword, undeterred, and dealt the deadly blow despite any pity she might have had for the victim."

"You see, Maiora was no normal girl."
-->Nix the "you see;" it's a bad idea to suddenly switch to talking directly to the reader like that, and either way we as the reader don't really know what is "normal" on that world or in that nation. Besides, we've already been told that she showed exceptional talent and that said talent is why she's in the tournament.
-->to transition to the explanation of her being a nightwalker, I'd suggest instead switching to a new paragraph and saying something like "To make matters worse, the idea wasn't as ludicrous as it may at first seem."

"Ky, however, was a mortal human. One of the Death Dealer families, committed to slaying the Nightwalkers."
-->sentence frag
-->"mortal human, and worse, one of the Death Dealer families, committed to etc" would be my suggestion

"to any other member of their family."
-->nix the "other;" combined with "family" it makes it sound like they're from the same family
-->I vote "to any member of their own family"

"That is why she was dragged into the tournament"
-->"That was why she had been" please

“Ah.He said softly,
-->"Ah," he said

"survive the suns.” He said,"
-->same thing

"He stepped back up onto his throne and pressed the tips of his fingers together."
-->rearrange this sentence; you have to many consecutively that begin with "He." I vote "Stepping back up to his throne, he resumed his seat, pressing the tips of his fingers together lightly."

"I do not wish do so"
-->awkward, because you don't say anything about him "doing" something--not directly, at least, not in a way that would make this sentence flow neatly. Try "I do not wish it to be so"

“He is evil.” She said
-->again, that same error

'either.” She replied'
-->again

“Sleep.” She said
-->and again

"Meanwhile, one floor down, Ky leaned against the wall next to his window."
-->this is a narrative switch entirely, so I would suggest making this POV transfer more definite--say, by putting a "****" on its on line between the two or sumthin. I won't point out the other places where that occurs, but you can find them easily enough--just wherever a narrative point of view as well as setting occurs.

"sleep’s gentle embrace. For lately, her embrace had not been so gentle."
-->another fragment. "embrace--for lately, her etc"

"Maiora’s gums"
-->bleh... one of the most unlovely and almost anachronistic words to be used here. I suggest replacing it with something that conjures up better, more related images, like "mouth" or "from within Maiora's row of teeth" or sumthin...

"He raised his sword and stood firmly"
-->sounds like you're talking about the emperor; use Ky's name here

"However, his friend only stood there, a dead look in her eyes."
-->nix the however, and make this its own paragraph.

“Mai?” he asked
-->needs to be the start of a new paragraph

"she sank her fangs into his throat"
-->capitalize "she"

"Ky opened his eyes and shot up. “Oh… just a dream.” He said in relief. He put a hand to his forehead. I hope it’ll turn out to be just a dream… he thought, flopping back. After a few minutes of lying there, he got up and got dressed. Breakfast stood on his nightstand. Obviously, some maid had snuck in during the night, eager to get a glimpse of his sleeping face. He sighed. These maids were so predictable. But, he still sat down and tucked into his meal, his sword heavy on his hip, and an even heavier weight on his heart, knowing that this was the last day he ever got to see Maiora. And that he may have to kill her."
-->break this paragraph up; you have a lot of transitions that need to be more distinct.
-->again, fix that period and capital in the dialogue.
-->italicize the thought
-->"would ever get to see Maiora" please
-->last sentence is a fragment; combine it with the one before it.

"She awoke with a sense of foreboding."
-->new paragraph

"She flipped down from off the canopy where she had been sleeping; bat-like and got dressed, donning the traditional green and blue of her family crest."
-->again, incorrect semicolon use. Just nix the semicolon and it will be fine.

"A knock sounded on her door. “Come in.” she called, sheathing her blade again."
-->both of those sentences should be their own paragraph
-->comma in the dialogue, not period

"the Sela, the imperial guard, held her back."
-->'held her back?' Should be 'held her immobile' or something, cuz hold her back just sounds like they're stopping her from running forward--and if it were me, I wouldn't be trying to run forward but rather would have my sword out trying to kill anything that stood in my way before running forward and then killing the emperor himself... so yeah, I'd use a different word, as this is a warrior good enough to defeat several others before getting to the finals of a tournament to the death.

I have the same feeling.” He said
-->and again -.-

"usual for Yusuna. However, grey storm clouds"
-->I vote combine those: "Yusuna, though grey etc"

“Well, be seeing you.” He said
-->*cough*

"Unspoken words hung between them; the knowledge that when they did meet again, it would be on the battlefield in a fight to the death."
-->new paragraph
-->nix the semicolon, change it to a comma


There are typos and other punctuational errors in the rest of the piece as well, but I think you'll be able to find them on your own given the stuff I've already pointed out. At the moment, I'd rather just go over the rest of the piece as an overall thingamajig.
I like the way you switch between the two characters as you build up to the final battle--that was well done, as was the twist at the end. The only thing I'd be aware of is that if you just snap out action after action it starts to become too melodramatic, especially with a death-scene conversation. It's difficult to pull off that sort of thing without seeming melodramatic, but it is doable. I would suggest making certain you don't overdo their emotions too much, as a general rule.

One major thing I noticed is that bit about the curse--the importance of that is almost lost on the reader. I get the sense that in this world, curses are taken very seriously--that they are binding they moment they're spoken, yes? But the reader only gets that slight sense; we need to know that definitively rather than as a vague sense, else the whole curse thing just seems melodramatic and we end up losing a bit of respect for the main character--she's been chosen for her swordsmanship and her fighting ability, yet all she does is stand there and yell curses rather than just killing her enemy the way a warrior actually would... or at least attempting.
Anyways, part of that might be helped if while she's yelling that she curses him, she actually curses him by something--the gods of that world, the symbolism, whatever, so long as it sounds like she's actually invoking some sort of higher power that indicates her curse will in fact be enforced. That would help explain her own despair as she realizes she cursed herself and her own family as well.

lol but yeah, I rather liked this story, as evidenced by the fact that I spent all this time going through it XD It was really well done, and as I said the twist at the end was great--I didn't see it coming and it tied it all together neatly. Muy bien =D

pm me if you have any questions, by the way--sorry if this seems harsh, but as I said I don't spend the time if I don't think it's really worth it.
It was great XD keep going.

ta! XD

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Chosenofair
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October Girl wrote:whoa ah.... this is well..... long.... hmm.....

it's only eight pages on my computer. i've written much much longer.

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October Girl
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whoa ah.... this is well..... long.... hmm.....



huh. didn't realize santa was a batman fan-
— Mageheart