This is great.
z
FADE IN:
FOREST PATH, ANCIENT GREECE- DAY
DEMOCRITUS, a Greek man with large hooked nose and a mischievous gleam in eye, a messy grey beard and a balding head, strolls along.
NARRATOR
Once upon a time there was a man named Democritus. He Discovered matter.
As the Narrator speaks, Democritus kneels to the ground, gently touching a leaf and then a nearby puddle. He freezes for a moment, stunned, before grasping rapidly at the air. His eyes grow large.
STRAIGHT CUT TO:
INT. GREEK HOUSE- ANDRON- DAY
Democritus, eyes wild, enters the room, rushing to a desk in the corner. He pulls a piece of parchment from the desk drawer.
DEMOCRITUS
I must write a thesis!
Democritus retrieves ink from the drawer too, carefully dipping his quill in it and hesitating for a moment, as if in deep thought, before writing ‘THE MATTER’ in large script across the page. He breaks down into tears.
NARRATOR
This discovery was life changing. Could Democritus handle it?
Democritus continues to sob.
NARRATOR
Clearly not.
ANAITIS, a female about Democritus’s age, rushes into the room at the sound of Democritus’s sobbing. She moves to stand at his side, patting his back gently. As she does so, she peers over his shoulder, spotting the thesis.
ANAITIS
Democritus, what’s ‘the matter’?
Democritus looks at Anatis with a saddened stare. His eyes are filled with betrayal. His heart is clearly filled with pain.
At this point, the audience finds themselves thinking: Did some sorry soul truly write this script simply for that pun? Is this what the human race has come to? A play on paper just for a play on words? Great, there the writer goes again. And come on, should we really count that one? It’s clearly a screenplay, not a classic play.
The audience sighs in disappointment.
FADE OUT.
quite an interesting read you got there. though the dialogue can a bit choppy at times, it still does feel a bit natural at times when it needs too. now the presentation is quite nice too, not to say about that. and finally, i say overall it has some promise. just work on your dialogue skills and your good to go.
Hi, here with a review. I really liked this unique structure and I liked how you've switched from the narrarator to the event. This gives the reader a feeling as if they're watching this instead of reading it as it has a huge amount of imagery. This reminds me of a play because of the way you've ended. I enjoyed this. Keep writing!
~Rosy234
Okay, I love this. One thing though, the "Discovered" in He Discovered matter, should have a lowercase d at the beginning.
Points: 6214
Reviews: 128
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