Chapter Two
October First - 7:49 AM
I awake with a start. Today I get to meet my fiancé, Prince Adam. My father and I will ride up to his castle in Transphava and have tea with him and King Moore this afternoon. Queen Moore is unable to attend, due to a reason unknown to us. My father had offered to have the tea at our residence, but King Moore insisted that he would like for me to get to know his palace. That seemed odd to me because my father is older than him and his queen, and therefore we are more likely to be living at our castle first. I didn’t voice my opinions, as it felt like a sensitive subject.
I fling myself out of bed and call for Juliette. She is standing next to me within seconds; helping me out of my bedclothes. She opens the closet door and I look through all of my dresses, trying to choose one that would be fitting for the occasion. I finally decide on a yellow one with little orange flowers carefully embroidered along the ruffly collar and bottom hem. Juliette lays the dress out on my bed, then walks me into the bathroom where she leaves me to bathe.
When I’m done, I dry off thoroughly and go back to my bedroom, wondering about the long day ahead. Juliette helps me into the dress and I see that the short sleeves fall elegantly past my shoulders. This will be perfect, I think to myself.
As Juliette gently combs my damp hair, I realize that this is a big day, aside from meeting Prince Adam. Tonight, for the first time in four seasons, the golden light in the woods will appear. Though I am anxious to see what my future husband will be like, I absolutely cannot wait to get this day over with and go to the forest.
While my mind was elsewhere, Juliette had wound my long hair into a beautiful, braided bun atop my head. She walks to my bedside table and says, “M’lady, may I?”
“Of course, Juliette,” I respond.
She delicately picks up my tiara, and places it on my head. I think, When I go to the forest tonight, I won’t have to wear this dreadfully heavy crown. It makes me almost giddy with excitement knowing I will be going out alone, and without my tiara.
I step into my little golden flats, and Juliette and I walk to the door. She holds it open for me, and I step out into the carpeted hall. As we walk down the stairs, I think of my father. He should be up soon and I’m sure it will be Jonathan who wakes him. My father won’t awake on his own even if we let him sleep until ten o’ clock!
I sit down at the large table, and Marcus serves me a plate of steaming hot pumpkin pancakes. “Oh, Marcus! Thank you, thank you, thank you! They look delicious!”
“I hope they are, m’lady.” He snaps his fingers, and Kira, who also works in the kitchen, appears on my other side, bringing me a bowl of fresh fruit.
“Thank you, Kira!” I say to her gratefully. “This is the perfect breakfast to start October with.” Kira nods to me, then hurries away. Marcus follows her back to the kitchen.
I hear the familiar slow and steady steps of my father and his steward, coming down the stairs. Jonathan takes very good care of my old and frail father, and I am very grateful to him because of it.
“Hello, Father ...Jonathan.” I say, as I see them approaching.
“Why, hello, Sunshine! Aren’t you up early?” my father replies cheerily. “Are you excited for today?”
“Yes, Father. I positively cannot wait.” It wasn’t entirely a lie - I am very curious about Prince Adam - though, I mostly cannot wait for tonight. Father sits down at the far end of the table, and Jonathan goes to stand by Juliette in the doorway. Marcus and Kira appear with another plate and bowl for my father. He looks at the food delivered, nods his approval, and starts eating. Marcus and Kira vanish into the kitchen once more. I had forgotten to eat, and so I take my first bite as well. The pancakes are amazing, as I knew they would be.
“King Moore asked us to be there by two o’ clock” my father says. “I suppose we should be leaving soon... around nine-thirty.”
“It will take us four and a half hours to get there?” I ask. That is a long time to be in a carriage.
“Yes, Ester. Twenty miles south, remember?”
Oh yes, I do remember that. “Alright,” I say, “but can I sleep on the way there?”
“I suppose,” says my father, “but I will wake you at least an hour before the arrival.” He takes a big bite of pancake.
“Why?” I ask.
“To prepare you. I want to go over some table manners before we go inside.”
I sigh. “Alright. If we must.”
We finish our breakfast and quickly depart from the castle. Isla helps us into the carriage, and Noah commands the horses to take us away. The road is exceedingly bumpy, but my father and I try to get comfortable in the back. As I sit there, I think of tonight. I don’t know what to expect. I could never begin to guess what the light through the forest is, and the idea of finding out is terrifying. What if I can’t even find the source? I’ve waited too long to be disappointed. That is the last thought I can remember as I quickly fall asleep.
I awake to my father shaking me. “Time to review some manners, Sunshine.”
“Oh, Father,” I groan, still sleepy. “You know my table manners are perfectly fine.”
“All the same, practice makes perfect, and perfect is what you want when you are having tea with a king and his son.”
“I have tea with you every day, and it goes all right.” I say, snottily. I’m not thrilled about having my table manners corrected. I glance at Noah in the front seat, and see him smiling slightly.
“Yes, Ester,” he says, trying to be patient. “but I am your father, not your future father-in-law. I want you to make a good impression.”
I sigh, and turn toward him. “Alright, alright. Quiz me.”
My father smiles and says, “Elbows on or off the table?”
“Father! I’m not three years old!” I say, exasperated.
“Okay, okay, Sunshine. How do you split your scone?”
I roll my eyes. “With my knife.”
My father beams. “Very good, Ester. Now, if you need to leave the table, to use the lavatory, or any other reason, where do you put your napkin?”
“On my chair; never the table.” I say, glad to be getting these right.
“Yes!” Says my father. “Wonderful. When offered milk, sugar, and lemon, which will you take?”
I frown. “Whichever I would like...? Oh! Whichever I would like, but never milk and lemon in the same glass. It’s fine if I don’t take anything, right?”
“I suppose.” my father agrees. “As long as you drink the tea, you don’t need anything else. Oh, that reminds me. Is it more proper to say ‘take tea’ or ‘drink tea’?”
“Take tea?” I ask, hesitantly.
My father shakes his head. “Drink tea. ‘Take tea’ is for people of the lower class. Now, let’s see. This one isn’t something you need to know, considering you aren’t hosting, but I’ll give it to you anyway. Where will the spout of the teapot be pointing?”
I think for a minute. “Toward the host,” I say finally. “King Moore.”
My father claps his hands together and says, “Very good, Ester! Wonderful job. I think that will do just fine for now.”
“Can I go back to sleep now?” I ask, eagerly.
“No, no! Of course not! We are almost there, are we not? Noah, how much longer?”
“About fifteen minutes, Your Majesty.” Noah replies.
“May I sleep for the fifteen minutes, Father?” I ask with an innocent yawn.
He sighs. “Very well, Sunshine, you may sleep, but I’ll wake you before we arrive. I don’t want you to look sleepy in front of King Moore, and your fiancé.”
I nod, and settle back down. After a few minutes of counting sheep, I realize, to my dismay, that I am too awake to fall asleep in such a short amount of time. I sit up, and watch the passing trees, instead. They are beautiful. I have always been so fond of trees. Again I think to myself, I can’t wait for tonight!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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In addition to ParanormalMyth's notes, I have a mechanical correction to make. Well, an observance on your dialogue. It's odd, because sometimes you format it correctly, as in these examples:
But then other times you format it incorrectly, as in these examples:
Notice that in the first examples, where the dialogue tag follows the dialogue, you end the line of dialogue with a comma rather than a period. You also start the tag with a small letter if it begins with a common noun, an article ("my"), or a verb ("said") but a capital letter if it begins with a proper noun ("I").
In the later examples, however--well, let's go through one at a time. In the first, "Says" is capitalized, even though it is a verb; it should start with a small letter, even though the dialogue ends with an exclamation point (which would normally signal the start of a new sentence and thus a capital, but dialogue doesn't work that way). In the second, you correctly start the word "my" with a small letter but incorrectly ended the line of dialogue with a period (periods should always change to commas if the dialogue comes before its tag; question marks and exclamations points do not change). In the third, you once again end with a period rather than changing it to a comma.
Those are common dialogue mistakes - I was just confused since you did properly format a few of your sentences. (However, that made it easier for me to explain what should be done, because I could use your own writing as a good example!)
The other thing I'm confused about is your setting. Not the country--I know fairy tales tend to take place in ambiguous settings. But I'm experiencing temporal confusion. Obviously, if this is a fairy tale, it could take place somewhere completely made up, but I assume you're going for the feeling of a certain period in real-life history nonetheless. However, I'm confused as to when that is. The ruffly, poofy dresses and slippers rather than other types of shoes make me think of more or less the time the original story takes place (or at least was written - sometime in the early to mid-1700s), but then there's the casual way of speaking, the father's use of a modernish pet name ("Sunshine"), and the fact that Ester is left alone "to shower" when showers didn't really come about until about a hundred years later (and even then, bathing was more common for a very long time). Plus, if you look at the history of pancakes, it seems a little out of place that royalty is eating pumpkin pancakes (although perhaps a more in-depth look could reveal this is actually okay). I just got the feeling you were going for an older time period, but I kept seeing a lot of modern-day that made the whole thing really jarring.
So just something to consider: better grounding readers in a time as well as place. You don't need to decide on a specific year or tell us when the story takes place exactly--just decide what sort of era you're going for and figure out how to use the habits of its royalty and routines and objects of everyday life to keep things more grounded.
Feel free to PM me with any questions.
BlueAfrica
Hey!
I'm here for a review, as I've made myself a mission of reviewing older works that are still in the Green Room.
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This is fine either way and is mostly a personal preference thing. My preference is to do away with the comma.
Well. Onto the next chapter!
~Myth
Thanks for reviewing my chapter, Myth! Read chapter 3 and review if you want!
-ChloeJoelle
No problem! I read chapter 3 and gave it a like, I may come back to it and review later on.