Published July 6, 2009
Back To Bed
Concept of time has evaporated whilst waiting for The Answer.
Has she been caught up? Was this one time too many?
It's a life of thrills, ecstasy, lust.
Let your hair down - the knickers not long after.
This is not the first time;
She's been lucky so far.
But a life on the edge never lasts. One day you must fall.
She shakes: what if this is it?
She can't. Responsibility high, capability low.
Eradication, deletion. Termination.
Or what if it is the contrary?
This may be the final warning.
A feline on her ninth life,
an escapologist defying his fate once again.
She must stop.
The eternal three minutes are over. Her fate is decided.
Negative. Relief.
But will she learn?
Has she the strength to change?
The self worth, the desire?
It is too hard. She is too weak.
It is easier to continue wrongdoing than to alter one's pathway.
She returns to her men.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hey Mars
Thanks for reviewing my poem. I'd almost given up on anyone doing so!
I get what you said about the full stops, I think I was trying to do it to illustrate her separate thoughts but I probably did go a bit overboard.
I think you may have mis-read the last line... It does say "her men" which was deliberately done, but I see what you mean about if I had put "man", hence why I kept it plural lol.
Please somebody else review too!
Hi Chloe. :]
This is a nice poem you have here. I like that there is some subtlety here, not just "she has sex which is bad." I especially like the two lines with the feline and the escapologist.
The liberal use of periods makes the poem read fairly choppily, though. I don't know if you want it to be like that, but personally I don't like it; I think the flow is ruined and it would be better smooth.
Also, I was a little confused at the end where you say "her man." I had gotten the impression that the girl is a prostitute or a whore, but when you say her man it suggests her boyfriend or husband, which doesn't really fit with the image of her that is portrayed in the rest of the poem, if you know what I mean. It gives them an actual relationship. I'd replace the possessive with "the." ^__^ The difference would give the poem a very different meaning.
Good luck.
-Mars