I crouched low behind the brick wall, boots sinking into the muddy earth. It had rained hard just yesterday, the tang from the storm still lingering in the air. Today's bright sun and clear skies showed no sign of the previous downpour.
The sound of sneakers squishing on the grass made my muscles tense. As the sound got louder, I heard hushed voices floating on the wind.
"She's over here, Tucker. I see footprints," whispered Avery. Even though it was a whisper, Avery talked loud and it was easy to hear her voice.
"Shhhhh! We can't sneak up on her if you're not quiet, Ave." Tucker's voice was a soft whisper, harder to detect. I stayed in my position, hardly daring to breath. If I did, I knew I would burst out laughing at their cluelessness.
Shadows began to creep closer from the other side of the building. Not bothering to be quiet, the giggles had been suppressing exploded out of me. Avery and Tucker, knowing their cover was blown, began to run towards me. They appeared from around the wall just as I began to run. The pair came towards me, arms outstretched. I sprinted past them, dodging as Tucker dove and Avery lunged, trying to grab me. I laughed as I ran past, right into the crowded school yard. Perfect. I weaved through the crowd, ducking when a stray football hurtled towards me. The noise of hyperactive children filled my ears as I ran, legs burning. They won't ever find me now, I thought.
I thought too soon. Out of the throng, I saw Tucker coming at me from my left. Swerving to the right, I ran straight into Avery. She grabbed my arm, not giving me the time to recover myself. Before I knew it, I had been hauled out of the crowded field and onto the seldom used basketball hoop. A group of boys were playing a game on one half of the court, so the other was free for us.
"Really, Isy? Can't you just sit still and relax for once in your life? Besides, we should be studying." Tucker said, panting from the run.
"No, I can't relax or sit still. I want to run, unlike you couch potatoes." I said with a huff. Crossing my arms, I glared at them. None of my friends ever wanted to go outside with me. I always had to lure them out myself. But that was still fun anyway.
"I am not a couch potato! If anybody is, it would be you, Isy. You have to study for this history test with us. You promised!" Avery retorted, a finger pointed at my chest.
I had promised to study with them. Avery, who was in my history class, made me promise when I got a B-minus on the last test. She was so uptight about grades, even her friends'. Even though I had an A in every class, all that mattered to her was that one grade. I should have known I wouldn't get off the hook.
I relaxed, submitting. This unspoken agreement made Avery let go of my arm, but she was still cautious. Her hand hovered in the air between us, threatening. Just as we were about to go back to join our friend, Rebecca, at our table, the bell rang. I grinned at looked at Avery.
"Guess we'll have to study some other time, right Ave? Too bad, so sad," I said sarcastically, pretending to wipe tears away.
"Aw come on, Avery's only tryin' to help." Tucker said to me, but I saw the amused expression on his face. He thought it was every bit as funny as I did.
The other students were mostly inside by now, so we made our way over to the crowd trying to squeeze into the school all at once. As we got inside, I finally began to calm down, the school stupor washing over me, as well as most of the other kids as they remembered homework, tests, and projects they would have to work on later. As for me, my attention turned over to my history test. Avery may not think so, but I was smart enough to study last night. I am so going to ace this test.
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Hi, I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work today.
I read your prologue,and I do say that I like it. If I didn't read the prologue, I'd just look over it and continue scrolling. Reason? Reality stories are nowhere near as cool as fantasy. Many stories take elements from a past fantasy, and then make them into a modern setting. Try to make yours stand out a bit more. Do that with making your description flipping fabulous, your dialogue clearer and crisper, or even just make the premise brimming with opportunity and excitement. This can make your story really pop.
So, I'd like to start with description. Keep all five senses on the job here, especially if this chapter is set in a school. Many people have particular feelings towards schools, mostly love, hate, or somewhere in between. So if you want readers to feel sickly in the school, describe the smells of the nearby cafeteria's three-day-old frozen tofu. If you want the school to be a happy place, describe the playground out in the yard and the children playing at it. You've done a good job with sight and sound for sure, but think about slippery grass or just plain icky mud.
Your description is fast fluid, and doesn't stop the story. All that you need to do is add that extra word in the grass, which you've done, and then you just let the story flow. That's great.
Your characterization is fine, though I am wondering why you named a character Isy. Is it pronounced like Izzy, Icy, or is the I silent? (That's the fantasy fan of me speaking. I doubt it'd be pronounced like that.)
I like Avery because she actually cares about grades, and even if she thinks she's helping, she sounds like she could definitely be overbearing at times. Actually, that'd be kinda funny to see, eh?
In general, this is fabulous. If you could notify me when you've got the next chapter out, that would be so great!
Keep Writing!
Maddie out!
Thanks for the review! Her name is actually Isaura, and I'm going to mention that in the next chapter, so that should clear up the pronunciation (i hope). it is pronounced like Izzy, but i thought it was an interesting way to spell it.
Lovely story. I enjoyed how it was a nice start to the the story and not all action like and such.
haha... I can't wait to see more! ^ ^
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This was really good, reality stories aren't exactly my favorite but this was really good. I look forward too your story and where you take it, I saw nothing wrong as far as grammar, punctuation, or other common nitpicks. Definitely one of the best reality stories I have read in a while. I didn't see a character named kaori, but I'm sure they will appear later. Once again good job looking forward to your next chapter.
Thank you so much! Actually, if you read the prolouge, there is a character named Kaori, and this will be important later on. I hope you keep reading once more chapters come out
thanks again!
I will, it's a really good story.