The glade was filled with a deep almost silence. The only noises that could be heard was the moans of the injured, the panting of the warriors, and the dying heaves of the fallen. Night was fading, and with the rise of the sun a new era was beginning. Finally, the Eternal War was coming to a close. For now.
King Kaori stood among the bodies of his army. None remained standing. He gazed across the glade, which wasn't much of a glade anymore. The grass not stained by blood was browned and flat from the hundreds of charging feet hours before. The trees smoldered, and some were burning still. Rising in the air was the coppery smell of blood and the stench of rotten flesh. The night sky was still lingering in front of Kaori, but behind him, the sun was rising. It was an orange sunrise, light slowly spreading fingers across the sky.
The king was waiting alone on the battlefield. He was late. He was supposed to be here before the sun rose. But, he thought, at least the suffering will be over. We've waited for eons, a few more minutes can't hurt.
Lost in his thoughts, King Kaori didn't notice the figure shrouded in the darkness come from the side of the world still covered in night.
"Kaori," he said in a deep, composed voice.
"King Magnor. You come at last. Are you ready?" Responded Kaori, no emotion revealed in his tone.
"I have the treaty here. My remaining people have agreed to the arrangement, as have yours." Magnor handed the parchment, tightly bound in a grey ribbon, to Kaori. He accepted it, unfurling it and reading over the inked treaty. When he reached the bottom he noticed it was signed by Magnor already. Reaching inside the folds of his robe, he drew out a quill, already ready for use. Before he signed, he snuck a look at Magnor. His eyes had adjusted, and he could see the feelings churning on Magnor's face. When nobody was watching, he had let his emotion show.
Like Kaori, Magnor was saddened, but relieved. This treaty will solve it all. The suffering. The pain. The loss. They had both almost lost all our people in the war. No matter what power they had. If they could heal, if they could fly, if they could fight. It was no use.
That settled it. Kaori signed the treaty, carefully rolling it and tying closed with the ribbon. One thousand years of peace. It was long overdue. The people needed to rest, repopulate and train.
Magnor noticed Kaori had signed the contract. It was time for the Binding. The two walked to the center of the battlefield and each grabbed one end of the parchment roll. They raised it above their heads, one half in the dark, one in the day.
"We, Kings Magnor and Kaori sign this treaty on this day. Today marks a new era, the first day of one thousand years' peace. The Treaty states our two kingdoms will separate and heal, not to meddle in the affairs of mortals for one thousand years. Today the Eternal War is halted, and we separate into the two kingdoms, named today Dark and Day. King Magnor of the Dark, and King Kaori of the Day. So we have spoken, and with the binding words of our powers, so mote it be."
As the men spoke the binding words together in strong voices, the parchment and their hands began to glow with a golden light. This was the Binding. The parchment rose in the air and a loud boom shattered the solemn air in the glade. As the two spoke the last words, the parchment glowed white-hot and exploded, the pieces sinking into the ground. It was done.
Both men had the exact same thought. It's finally over.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Heya pretzelsing here for a review as you requested from my thread, I really have no excuse to be late but I hope that this helps you!
First of all I like the content of this story but I really don't think that it's a prologue because you didn't give us any context or background information.Why was this constant struggle happening? Are the two kings enemies of each other?Why is everyone laying dead? All of those questions were running through my head and I personally think that you need to explain yourself to us the readers. You are in your character's mind and you know exactly what happened previously while we don't :/
Here are my nitpicks:
Almost?
This isn't realistic or logical,
Already and ready next to each other is using repetition
With this sentence I would change two things, I would put almost after lost. Also it's not "our" people but "their" (the kings) people.
Expand this and make it the moment longer and describe what his emotions were, even though you did in the next sentence. Show not tell, by his actions that the King Kaori observed.Did he scratch his head, dip his eyebrow(ohh I like that one
Your last sentence wrapped it up properly and I like it was sufficient. I hope that this review helps and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
Thanks! The actual story takes place now, in the present, and this is just supposed to be some backround info needed later. I'm going to rewrite it once I plan the story out some more, and I'll definatly use the advice.
Np, I am happy that I could help you with your story.Definitely shoot me a PM or ping me a notif when the next chapter comes out!
Whoa. Awesome prologue. I really loved every single second of it. In fact, I can't wait for the chapters that'll come after this. You've definitely earned yourself a fan of this story. One thing I would suggest is that you work on the dialogue a bit. From what I read, I'm sure it's safe to infer that the setting of the story isn't very modern. Maybe way back in the Middle Ages or something similar to that right? If that's the case, then I would suggest that you fix the dialogue (even though there's not a lot of it in the story) and make it sound for appropriate for the time this story is set in so the reader can get into the story better. Other then that, I really liked it and the descriptions were great. Nice work on this my friend! I look forward to reading more! -IceWinifredd
Thanks! I might rewrite it later, but I hope you'll still like it!
You're welcome. Glad I could help.
Howdy, I’ll be beginning with general comments and moving to the specific.
General:
I’m intrigued about how this plays out. Given the magic and powers at play, it wouldn’t be too much to expect some long lived creatures to be on the scene (it’s a fantasy classic). Otherwise a thousand year peace is a bit redundant, its basically peace forever. Think about how much the world changes in 1000 years. Do you know how many treaties have lasted even 100 years? Almost none. After a certain length of time, usually people just get used to not fighting each other, and the treaty is just scaffolding around the fact that peace is preferred. The contrast in imagery, light and dark, day and night, in addition to the magic kingdom vibe, tells me that this is likely to be subverted in your story: these sides are natural enemies, and even though they seem to dislike the consequences of war now, if they didn’t choose to go back to it, the universe would probably push them into it somehow.
You’ve clearly developed a toolset around creating drama and suspense in your work, and I applaud that. I’m a little concerned that this can get in the way of clarity of meaning at some specific points
Specific:
“deep almost silence”
Almost what silence? Or an almost-silence? Maybe just “quiet”. “Filled” and “deep” are strong, resounding words, whereas “almost” is a weakening qualifier, meaning that the sentence is really working against itself.
“heard was the moans”
were*for the plural.
“dying heaves of the fallen”
“Heaves” usually denotes a laborious activity. I feel like you’ve chosen it to avoid repetition of “moans”, which is a more fitting word. “Fallen” also carries connotations of already dead, especially when read separately to “injured”, so there really shouldn’t be any heaving involved.
“Night was fading, and with the rise of the sun a new era was beginning. Finally, the Eternal War was coming to a close. For now.”
More mixed messages. Is it the beginning of a new era? If a long war is ending, sure, but if it’s halting for a short period, then possibly not? Is this a watershed for change, or not? I guess it’s good that the reader has questions, but they seem fabricated by a vague threat in which we aren’t emotionally invested.
“bodies of his army”
Of his soldiers, or warriors. Men have bodies, armies don’t.
“He gazed across the glade, which wasn't much of a glade anymore.”
Then don’t call it one. You seem to be developing a habit of correcting your own descriptions, either by implication or for the purpose of drama.
“The grass not stained by blood was browned and flat from the hundreds of charging feet hours before.”
*The grass not stained with blood* has also probably been flattened by the feet. Maybe “Even the grass not stained with the blood of the fallen was brown and flat from their charging feet”.
“the stench of rotten flesh”
How long does it take for a body to start to smell of rot, especially in an open area?
“My remaining people have agreed to the arrangement, as have yours."
That last bit should presumabey be “as yours have”, which shows that he’s noting that both sides are ready, rather than telling the other king what his people think.
“He accepted it,”
This pronoun use is unclear.
“already ready for use. “
The “already” is redundant.
“This treaty will solve it all.”
This is presumably an internal subjective opinion of what the future would hold, and as such should be “would” so as to avoid tense issues. If this is meant to be a direct thought, then “will” is appropriate, but direct speech (or thinking) should be signposted with quotation marks or italics so the reader can understand what’s being said.
“ lost all our people”
Their* people
“No matter what power they had. If they could heal, if they could fly, if they could fight. It was no use.”
I get what this is trying to say, but the punctuation is really getting in the way. This is an instance where I think repetition is the preferable alternative to losing the drama of the separate sentences by joining them, or of losing meaning by confusing syntax. My suggestion would be “It did not matter what power they had possessed.” It did not matter if they could heal, fly, or fight. It was no use.”
“Binding.”
Just because it’s magical doesn’t mean it needs capitals.
“so mote it be."”
Popular meaning:
mote
noun
a tiny piece of a substance; a speck.
If you’re trying to trace this word back past its current meaning to its old English root, then I have to wonder why one super anachronistic word is in this binding, but the rest is in everyday language. Is it meant to be like the amen in Christian prayer, which is in Hebrew?
I hope this was helpful. I enjoyed the piece and hope to see more of it around: let me know if its uploaded and I’ll take a look for sure. Find me on my wall or via pm for comments/queries.
Cheers,
Rubric
Thanks a lot! I didn't really do any planning or editing with this piece, so I really appreciate the feedback. I think I might rewrite a better version of this soon, and I'll definatly use your advice! Thanks again!