It was mid-night.A boat was appraoching the shore of a river.It was not making any sound on the smooth surface of the water.Thick canopy forests grew on either sides of the river.A lantern which was fixed in the boat lit the man's face who was rowing the boat.
The man in the boat doesn't know that there were two children watching the boat,hidden behind a
tree.
The boat came ashore and stopped.The man in the boat climbed out quietly and investigated the surroundings,as though searching for anyone who might be looking.The two children huddled close,not daring even to breath.
The man seemed satisfied, because he went back his boat and bent into it.He lifted out a girl,who looked no more older than elevan.She seems to be unconsious and looked ghostly pale and slightly
green.
The man roughly laid the girl on the forest floor.
"I'm not taking any responsibilities of taking care of you.You are gone for good." the man said to the unconsious girl
He gave a harsh laugh and made his way back to the boat.He climbed into it and rowed the boat away.
The two children who had been watching everything,looked around to see if the man is really gone.
They saw him far away,rowing his boat hard.
"What do we do now?" asked the boy who was the older one of the two
His name was Alex and was twelve years old.His sisters name was Lana and was eleven years old.
"We can't leave her" answered Lana her brown eyes travelling over to the unconsious girl on the
shore
"Let's see if she is allright" suggested Alex getting up from his hiding place and over to the girl,Lana
following him cautiously.
The girl looked very pretty at this close.She was thin and fair and had golden coloured hair.She had
worn a hair band over her forehead.
Alex knelt beside her and gropped her hand to see if there's a pulse.
"That's weird,there's no pulse" Alex said surprised
"What?" asked Lana and felt the other hand of the girl."You are right,no pulse"
Alex laid his hand on the left side of the girl's chest,over her heart.It was beating,but beating in an irregular one.Without a rhythm.
"At least we know she is alive" said Alex
"What now?I'm scared" said Lana looking around
"We'll have to take her to our house,now" answered Alex standing up
"No!We'll get lost.We came here when there was light,but now it's all dark.We'll never find our way"
said Lana looking petrified
Alex seemed to consider this.Then he sat down again.
"You are right,we'll have to wait here till dawn."said Alex
Alex and Lana lived with their grandmother as both of their parents were abroad.The fact that they
were here was a coincidence.They had been told by a friend that some strange things happen in this
part of the river.Of course it was a lie but Alex and Lana had come to investigate
Alex went near a tree and sat,leaning his back to the tree.Lana sat next to him and laid her head
on Alex's lap.
Both of them fell asleep and slept till the sun started to rise.
"Wha......where am I?"Alex murmured waking up
He remembered where he was and quickly woke Lana up.
The girl was still unconsious.Surprising.
"Let's get her to our house" told Alex to Lana who was rubing her eyes and yawning
They,together got the girl standing.They put her arms over both of their shoulders and started dragging her to their house.She was not heavy but it was dragging a log.
With the sun glaring from behind them they got very sweaty.They were nearing their house.
"Let stop for a rest" said Lana wiping her sweaty forehead with the back of her free hand.
"No,we are near"said Alex panting
They soon came to their house.
"Where the hell were.......Who is that with you?" shouted their grandmother coming out of the house,
she was wearing a pink night dress and carpet slippers.
"We found her,she's unconsious" called Alex
"Well,I'm not looking after her" shouted their grandmother
"Please grandma,she's not well" said Lana
"Allright,lay her on the bed" said their grandmother
All three of them carried the girl into the house and laid her on the bed.
"Lana,get some water" said Alex
Alex sprayed the water on the girl's face.
She gave a faint whimper.She slowly opened her eyes.
Lana gave a scream of horror.........
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
This has quite a good storyline overall, but you've set it out in quite a strange way. You have sometimes put carriage returns where there don't need to be any e.g
"She seems to be unconscious and looked slightly
green."
Also, you carry on switching between past and present tenses - you said she seems to be unconscious and looked slightly green. You're switching between the tenses in that sentence with "seems" and "looked."
Finally, you seem to be making quite a lot of spelling errors e.g. "allright" should be "alright" and "unconsious" should be "unconscious." Keep trying!
I really liked this! The only real problem is that you kept switching tenses, like here:
You'll have to pick one and stick with it.
Other than that, nice work!
yep i think most of your areas for improvement have been noted just watch it and don't worry too much about learning how to tense it correctly, it took me a while too.
a very good story, well done!
-megan-
No hyphon (-) in midnight.
Approaching is spelt "approaching".
This is good imagery but did you mean "Thick canopy of forests grew on either side of the river."
Rephrase: "A lantern fixed in the boat lit the rower's face."
There's a tense problem here because you're switching to present. Change it to "The man in the boat didn't know that there were two children watching him, hidden behind a tree.
Because he went back to his boat.
"eleven".
"She seemed to be unconcious and looked ghostly pale and slightly green."
A few phrasing and spelling mistakes here, change it to, "I'm not taking any responsibility for you. You're gone for good," the man said to the unconcious girl."
"looked around to see if the man was really gone.
"rowing his boat vigourously."
"alright"
She wore a hairband over her forehead.
Great Work!
Ahhhh, tenses. I hate those.
I mean how can I start this with correct tenses.
Can anyone show that to me?
By examples of my own story.
Please.
Ooh, creepy!!!!
Swottielottie is basically right. The tense thing, the spelling of eleven was wrong. You have to put two spaces after every period and one space after every comma. Otherwise, everything looks squished and cramped.
The concept was rather horror-y, and I am a huge fan of horror/romances. I do think that this was an overused plot idea, but your execution was fairly unique, so I applaud you.
Kudos. Just fix those mistakes.
~Noah~
Very capturing story! I agree with Swottielottie mostly. You need to watch your tenses sometimes. My English teacher always told us to vary our sentence beginnings. You tend to start most of your sentences with the subject, or an article. Try to start with adjectives, or adverbs, or prepositional phrases.
I loved your characters. I'm pretty sure that you made me feel they way you wanted me to feel.
Swottielotti corrected all of the technical errors I noticed, so I really don't have any more to say.
Thanks again for sharing your story! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
-Sea-
Hey,thanks for reviewing the story.
You know, when I said was elevan,I didn't mean it was Alex.The alien girl was elevan.see,
Do you think it should be in science fiction? But it doesn't really happen in the future, it's more of a fantasy like story.
You'll see what happen in the second chapter, which I will write in a few days.
I'm really glad you reviewed the story.
Thank you.
All in all, it was very good and you've picked an interesting topic. But I think this should be in Science Fiction, not fantasy. I feel very sorry for the alien girl, but you should describe her more and how she is all alone etc, so we can feel more pity for her.
You have a small problem wih tenses, you changed around at the start but by the end it had sorted it self out. There were about 2 spelling mistakes, but not major ones, just use the spell check a lot!
Well done!
Charlotte