I Could Wish

I would have to agree with StoryWeaver as far as this being a good song. As far as being poetry, it's too simple. Poetry is just like a short story or even a novel: word choice is key. Besides word choice, a poem needs rhythm and balance and flow. Whether it's haphazard and all over the page (like mine) or eloquent and organized (not like mine), it still needs to be established. I think that if you first separated this poem into multiple stanzas and added punctuation then that would be a good step in the right direction of keeping this as a poem. Another thing would be to change the wording a bit in places. Some things just seemed a little too cliche for my liking. I've read tons and tons of poems about people loving someone that they also hate (that's what I see your poem as being about, but if I'm wrong, sorry, but still, it seems a little familiar to me) and the first thing I ask myself about the poem every time is "What separates this poem from all the others?" Most of the time, there's not a lot. But,t hat doesn't mean there's no hope for this poem. Also, a good way to help with rhythm is to read each line and stop for a second at the end of each line and no on to the next. If the rhythm isn't good, it'll sound a little funny or off.

I agree that this would be better as lyrics than as a poem.

PinkShearwater wrote:I could wish
For you to call I would put this line with the first line so it's "I could wish for you to call" I think it would help the flow
For you to come
But I know while I wait
My phone would turn to dust
My heart would stop beating
I could wish Same with this line. " I could wish for you to want me enough"
For you to want me enough
For you to have asked me to stay Maybe this could be " For you to want me enough to have asked me to stay"
But I know if I waited
My skin would turn to a page in a fire
My ears would only ever hear a cold silence
I could wish
For the memories not to hurt
For the strength to not care
But I know if I did
My soul would miss your presence there
My mind would have to erase you entirely
So I wish for nothing at all

ChiquitaBanana, I so feel you. (It's alright if I call you that, yes? Punch me if otherwise. :3)

I'm actually a terrible poet and I keep away from the poetry section but ever so often I might review one or two. Anyway, don't beat yourself up about it. If you continue writing and learning, you'll get better. No one really is born with the amazing knowledge of the art to poetry, it is learned. Some learn better/faster than others but keep at it. I know I'm trying too. Sometimes.

Anyway, on to the review! You words are little weird, they're hard to read and the flow is off. I'm not very good at noticing the little inconsistencies in the stanzas but someone else might be able to point that out. :/ Overall, the poem is a bit cliche with the love thing or something, it's good nonetheless. Keep writing!

^.^)b
-Pink

To me, this doesn't work as well as a poem as it would as lyrics. I think that the words just work better that way, and would sound better if they were put to music. As poetry, it's just a little weak. It's still decent, but it's a little typical. I definately see these words making a good song though.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver