On the road to Damascus

Hello, Chips!

You've got an interesting little start to something here. I think it's wonderful that you're talking about a spiritual experience that you've had, but when talking about something abstract, like a spiritual experience, you have to ground it in something concrete.

You could argue that there are two (I'm counting the repeated line as one) concrete images in this piece because you use "road" and "light." You can perceive both of those. However, the way in which you use them is metaphorical.

"The road to Damascus" refers to Saul's conversion in which Jesus appeared to him on his way to Damascus. So in the way that you use it, it's an idea rather than a concrete image in the first place. Light isn't really a concrete image, either. Because in the bible, Saul sees a flash of light in this story, it's the "light of god," which could be symbolic, as well. You might believe it's literal, but it symbolizes holiness and spirituality, and in the overall scheme of the poem, does nothing to anchor it.

What you need is some anchoring. You talk about all the things that happened to you on the way to spiritual enlightenment or whatever you would like to call it, but you don't really show us how you got there. Did these things just happen to you while walking down a symbolic road? Bring personal experience into it. As an agnostic, I enjoy hearing testimonials as much as the next person (as long as that converted person stays humble, like apparently the lord wants them to). Try bringing your personal testimony into the poem instead of saying what the results of your journey were.

Poetically speaking, I don't really think the repetition is doing anything for you here. It takes up half of the lines with something that we can glean from the title. I think this needs rewriting before it's finished. Keep that spirit in it, but add concrete images that linger in the reader's mind, and anchor it in reality, as opposed to abstract thought.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!

I would love a little more detail, Chips!

Hi, Chips! Alpha here to review.

Before I start, I'd like to clarify that I am by no means I competent poet or a practiced critic. But I do love any middle-east-inspired work, and Mahmoud Darwish and Nizar Qabani happen to be current favorites.


I saw the word Damascus in your title. The land of pillars, the jewel of Syria, cited as the most beautiful city in Al-Sham. I clicked, thinking, Oooh Damascus, this is gonna be deep. It felt like a 3-minute writing-race. I could replace "Damascus" with "home", "New York" or even "Hell" and it will mean the exact same thing. (Hell makes it even more interesting, actually... Saved in Hell? That's an exercise for the imagination.)


I do want to know: why did you choose Damascus? You have so many directions you can expand that beyond mere repetition. Not just with Damascus, but with the spiritual take on the journey. Think of what you what your poem should contain. That said, I'm fond of the very last line. (It felt nice to say aloud.)

Simplicity isn't a bad thing, but when your ideas are so bare they don't make sense anymore, therein lies the problems. The verses don't seem to lead to each other logically-- you go from experiencing light, love, life to becoming nothing (but saved), and it looks pretty. A Japanese poet and monk (I can't for the life of me remember who) said being deep isn't taught and tried. It just is.


Let me know of any questions, answers, edits, etc. Keep on writing!

Cheers,
Alpha