You know it's hard being different and to make it even harder, I have to go to this freaking school for gifted people. I’m already different enough. All this school does is point out the people with power to do stuff others can't. Going to the school mean everybody will know I have some type of power. I don't want everybody to know what I can do. I don't even know what I can do. Nobody every told me I had a gift. Now I have to go to this school just to find out. Being different sucks, for me at least.
My girlfriend walks in while I’m packing my clothes. She looks like she’s been crying. The whites around her hazel eyes are tented with a little pink.
Other than her eyes, everything is perfect. Her brown and black stripped hair, which is curled so it looks shorter than it really is. Her skin, which is white but I don’t care.
When people talking about her dating a black girl I hated it. Not because I was the black girl, but because they were messing with her. They didn’t even mess with the fact that she’s dating a girl. They went straight to the race.
I would have beat the person up, but she didn’t want me to. She’s nice like that. People also underestimate her. She may look wear, but my girl is tougher than she looks.
Pulling me out of my daydream about her.
“Babe girl, do you have to leave right now?” I went to her and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m sorry love, but I really do have to go.”
“Do you think they will still let us see each other? Its hard finding someone new and I don’t want to loose you.”
“I don’t want to loose you either. I’ll come back for you if I don’t fit in there. If people start talking I’ll come back. With a gift or not, I’ll be back.”
She pulled away.
“No, babe girl, you have to stay. No matter if they don’t like you because your a lesbian. You need to understand this gift okay.”
I sighed. “Okay.”
She put her hands around my neck, pulling me down to kiss her. Her lips are so soft. Reminds me of the first time she every kissed me three years ago.
I was about to get into a fight with a guy. She just walked up and kissed me. Then she took my hand a dragged me away. Looks like she had more courage than I did back then.
To me three years doesn’t even seem that long. She knows so much about me, seems like we met ten years ago. Sometimes it seems like she can read my mind. Like before the person had came to me to tell me that I need to go to the School of the Gifted.
I wanted to laugh at him, but I knew he was right. I remembering telling love that I had this weird feeling, but I wasn’t a bad feeling more of a magical feeling. She told me that I might have a gift and like me I thought she was just being silly.
When that man showed up and said that. I promised myself never to doubt her again.
She pulled away.
“And wont, see where that got you the first time.”
Like I said she’s a mind reader or more likely the reader of my mind.
This time I pull her closer and kiss her. We were kissing like it was our last kiss. I don’t like kiss goodbyes nor want one. I hope this isn’t our last.
I don’t know how much time had went by, but someone knocks on the door. We pulled apart and turned to face the someone who intruded on our make out session.
Too bad the someone wasn’t an intruder. Too bad it was also the person who’s taken care of me every since I was born. Its a good thing the person doesn’t judge me though. They don’t judge me fore being a lesbian nor wanted to fight dudes.
“Hello A Right.” Adria said.
My father’s name is Adrian Malik Right. He told me that me was the one to name me. Rosalyn MayBrie Right. Never really understood the middle name, until he told me to say it without the r. Real since of humor, that man. Just wish he didn’t use it on me before I was able to talk. I would have said. ‘Hell No.’ Sometimes I wish that was my first words instead of daddy. He might would have changed my name. It doesn’t matter though, I like the name, sometimes.
My father is taller than I am, but I’m catching up. His hair is black like mines, but not as long though. His eyes are the same color as a thundercloud, and when he’s mad they get really dark. Which I find totally awesome. We have the same skin color, caramel. The only thing I have him beat in is muscles. He had me working out when I was little, so my muscles grew larger than his; but that’s were the resemblance stops. My eyes are bronze, but they get this cool gold color to it when I think of something that makes me really happy. (Sadly for me) I have all of the girl parts. From the boobs to the butt (Adria seems to like it though.) I smile to myself at the thought.
“Hello Adria Will.” Father said to her.
Adria’s last name is Williams, but father cuts it short to be funny. I guess thats why she started cutting his short as well.
“Will you be coming with us to the school Will?” I wanted to laugh, but I coughed instead. Adria hit me in the stomach. Not hard though, she would never hurt me and I’d never hurt her.
“Yeah, but I kind of wanted to get some ice cream with Rosalyn Right, do you thing we’d have time to stop by there A Right.” She’s the only person allowed to call me by my whole name.
“Yeah we should have time.” Father answered.
“Okay, I just need to pack the other suitcase and I’ll be ready.”
“I’ll help you baby girl.” She said.
“I’ll run to the bank and get you a card and put some money on there.” Father said.
“What have I told you?”
“What I’m only going to put five to ten on there.” My father is very sneaky.
“Five to ten what?”
“Dollars.” I narrowed my eyes. He’s too sneaky for his own good.
“Oh let him put five to ten hundred on there. This is probably the last you’ll be bale to see him happy. Let him be happy threw money.”
I sighed, knowing the voice in my head in right. I un narrowed my eyes, put on my best ‘are you kidding me’ voice and face.
“Dollars, are we going broke?”
“No, we are not going broke.” He had a smile on his face. “I was thinking about five to ten hundred. Is it okay with you?”
I went to him and threw myself into his arms like I was five to ten years old, just to reassure him.
“Thats wonderful.”
I kissed him on the cheek. He kissed me on the forehead then walked away.
I waited until I heard the truck leave the driveway then I let out a big sigh.
“That was real nice of you love muffin.” She turned me around and pulled me into a hug.
“Then why does my heart hurt.” I felt a tear run down my cheek.
“Because you don’t want to see him hurt.”
She pulled away from me and wiped away my tears. I smiled at her and kissed her.
I didn’t want her to pull away, but she did anyway.
“Come on, you need to take a bath and change clothes. I just so happen to know what outfit I want you in.”
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
I do appreciate the story you are working on. And I appreciate that you are seeking insight from others. You already, however, have reviews. And capable, somewhat lengthy ones. I think you will benefit little from what I may have to add, and I think my perspective on your particular work has been exhausted. General comments I made before likely still apply.
Your nicknames are interesting ("love muffin"?), and unusual, and I am unsure whether I particularly like them. Someone else would likely appreciate the ingenuity more.
Some of your grammar is a little off, but everything is easy enough to read and get the gist of. Those revisions will come with time and effort and careful revision.
If you have any questions, please PM me. If you have other works you would like me to review, feel free to ask.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Hello.
I found your beginning here was just a bit heavy. By "heavy" I mean you toss into this world of drama, self hate, controversial topics, and a general attitude of "the world hates me and I hate the world."
This is very hard to start a story with. Most people won't sit through such a beginning, because it's just too much all at once. Most people want to have a main character they can resonate with, and extreme amounts of anger are the most hit or miss for a story.
There's also a sense of "why should I care about her problems?" when you introduce too many problems too quickly. Showing interactions before you go on about how bad her life is helps readers care about the characters. Interactions mean we get to know the character. Getting to know the character means we care about them, which in turn means we care about their problems.
Slow down when you introduce everything in the story, and spend a bit more time on forward momentum and actual interactions before really digging deep into the problems of the world. Use some of that anger for a hook, but try not to go too far into the overdramatic. That's when it gets difficult to relate to.
I did like that you gave us some insight onto the character with "I don't even know what I can do." If you focused more on that instead of how much being different sucks (trust me, I know it does), then you'd probably get a few more people relating to the story off the bat because the emotion of being sent away is a bit more heart-wrenching.
Another thing about starting off really dramatic is, we have no way of knowing if the person is blowing an event out of proportion or if the reaction is valid until we get to know the situation. If you were to give us the situation first, then we could form our own opinions ("yes, her situation does suck") before we were lectured on how much it sucked.
Overall, this was just a bit too dramatic for me to get far. Tone that down and you'll be getting out of main-character-looks-like-spoiled-brat territory and more into readers caring about characters.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Aside from a few grammatical errors, your story is really good. I like the way it's written. You have a very unique style and I like it.
The story interested be from the very first paragraph. I just wanted to keep reading.
This is the first thing I've read on this website and I'm glad for that!
Totally keep going!
The first thing I noticed is your sentences are fairly awkward. I would read this out loud to yourself and listen. When something doesn't sound right change it.
I'll be reading the second chapter to see where this goes. I also like the fact that the main character is a lesbian and she's not afraid to admit it. I think we need a lot more fictional role models like that in books. Have you read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"? The is a gay relationship in that one (2 males) and it was sad because they weren't open about it. So I really like the promise of yours that your characters are openly lesbian. Bring on gay marriage in Australia! (that's where I live 
).
"They don’t judge me fore being a lesbian nor wanted to fight dudes." I think the way you say "nor wanted to fight dudes" is a little random in the sentence. First of all wanted should be wanting. Unless you want to mean that its past tense in which it should sound something like "nor that I have fought dudes in the past". I also think dudes is a little too colloquial for what the sentence is, but that's just nit picking.
Sometimes you use the wrong word in a sentence or an extra word that shouldn't be there i.e. "He might would have changed my name" - would doesn't need to be in this sentence.
"It doesn’t matter though, I like the name, sometimes." - If it doesn't matter why did you bother writing a whole paragraph about it when you could have been describing something else that matters? I think I have an idea of what you are wanting to convey though. Maybe if you said something like "However names don't define people, and besides, I like it, sometimes..."
I think instead of doing a massive paragraph describing her father you could intergrate it into the story more. Even in his dialogue I.e. "Hello Adria Will." My Father addressed my girlfriend his eyes light, unlike the dark thunderclouds they are when he is angry.
Just break up the description more so its not just this long paragraph that takes you away from the story.
"Adria hit me in the stomach. Not hard though, she would never hurt me and I’d never hurt her." - I don't exactly think you need the whole we'd never hurt each other part. They are in a relationship, its sort of obvious that they would never hurt each other. Maybe you could say something like "Adria hit me in the stomach playfully".
“Oh let him put five to ten hundred on there. This is probably the last you’ll be bale to see him happy. Let him be happy threw money.” - There is no need to put quotation marks around this. It makes the reader think its dialogue when really its just happening in her head.
Use Adria's name more than just "she". I couldn't actually remember her name and had to read up to see it again, which is not what you want.
At the end you use a lot of dialogue and not much description & detail. You need more of that. A good writer finds a balance between the two, which is hard. However at the end it is starting to look like a script for a movie with just dialogue and stage directions. Add in more feelings and descriptions. Details you get from reading a book and not just watching the movie.
Aside from all of that you are off to a great start! I like the concept and the fact that you don't give away what the gifts are makes me curious
Your novel has potential, keep going!