Published June 15, 2016
It would be a dream like no other,
Where we contradict our father,
Where he says we live in sin,
No matter the hard times we're in,
I don't believe it's true,
You can preach until you're blue (still),
It would be a dream like no other,
Where we contradict our father,
Where he says we live in sin,
No matter the hard times we're in,
I don't believe it's true,
You can preach until you're blue,
We all believe in the Lord (God),
They're the part of us is good (so I),
Don't detest the words he said,
Just the actions to which it's led (so I),
Believe some words are true (still I),
Dislike your point of view (so if),
I committed a sin or two (best believe),
You've committed a few too (so),
So all my words are true,
You can preach until you're blue (still),
It would be a dream like no other,
Where we contradict our father,
Where he says we live in sin,
No matter the hard times we're in,
So all my words are true,
You can preach until you're blue (still),
It would be a dream like no other,
Where we contradict out father,
Where he says we live in sin,
No matter the hard times we're in.
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140,182 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I personally can't relate to this piece very much but I did truly enjoy reading it. The only thing I would suggest doing is breaking it into stanzas to make it flow better and improve the overall feel. Other than that, I don't have much criticism. I find it to be well-written and relatable for most. So thank you for this great poem and have a wonderful day
Hi! I liked this. I can't relate to it very much (Jewish, sorry) but I can feel the message. The rhymes are mostly good, the only one that bothers me is Blue and True. It feels a bit wrong, but I doubt there's an easy way to fix it. This reads as more a song than a poem, especially with the repetition how it is. I don't know if that was intended, but that's how it seems to me. In the beginning, repeating the refrain with only a tiny change gave nothing to the poem. It would have been better to have entirely new lines there, or simply cut that part out and glue it together. Even in song format, refrains are separated by verses.
You said to TannMermaid you don't know how to finish this piece. My suggestion is try to remember your mindset when you wrote it. If you can't do that, try to find a direction. Assert that you don't live in sin, or that everyone does. Find your stance. If nothing comes, wait a bit a try again. Pull it out when you're sad. Happy. Angry. Channel that into the piece. And if all else fails, scrap it. If nothing you do can finish a work, it's best sometimes to put it aside.
That being said, I think this is worth trying on. Nice job!
Thank you very much and I will try what you suggested because I do wanna finish this piece and see where it goes. So I will try.
From what I have read is it correct for me to assume that you consider "The hard times" equivalent to "living in sin?"
This song is powerful. The challenge is in the words and you can feel the defiance against the father in your words.
My only negative comment is format. The repetition is slightly bothersome and takes away from the lyrics. It takes away from what you are trying to convey. Label the chorus, label the different verses. Having this constant repetition is a tad bit tiring and makes the song seem redundant. The lyrics themselves are fine, it's only the format that I am addressing.
Okay I understand what your saying and I agree with you. Thanks for that. I had written this a long time ago, actually I don't even know when I wrote it. So I posted it to see what others thought of it. Although I believe the sins aren't the hard times, I feel this piece is unfinished. I just don't know how to finish it at the moment.