Being all alone and by yourself doesn’t make you weak. Being helpless and confused doesn’t make you scared. Learning, fighting, and protecting yourself makes you me.
I call myself Latsse (lat-see) Msspa (mess-pa), it means nothing to everybody but me. I am the Lone Wolf, I am the Lone Member, I am the Land I walk on, I am the Moon in my sky. I am the Luna who Arose Through Smoke Stained Eyes. I am the Moon Seeker who’s Smart and Protects All. I am Latsse Msspa.
No I wasn’t born with this name, I was born into this name. My birth name was LunaB RavensBird. Even though a raven is a bird I still like the last name, but that’s not who I am anymore.
I not the girl who was born into a pack of werewolves. I not the girl who had a mother and father. I not the girl who was going to make friends. I not the innocent little girl I was 10 years ago.
I am Latsse Msspa, the forgotten, the strong, the lone. Luna Arose Through Smoke Stained Eyes. Moon Seeker Smart Protects All.
~flashback~
There she is, in the backyard playing with her toys. Looking up, she sees her parents walking towards her so she stands.
Her fathers picks her up and says, “How’s my baby girl today?”
“Good, just missed you daddy.”
“I know baby,” is all he said before handing her to his wife.
“Hey sweetheart, were you having fun playing with your toys?”
“Kinda. You and daddy weren’t here to play with me.”
She kissed her daughter's forehead. “I know baby,” is all she said, then they sat down and played with the toys.
It wasn’t long before the man walked out the house and up to them. “It’s time,” he says to the father, then repeats to the mother.
“Already?” She ask, the man just nods and walks away.
He looks at his wife. “I’ll get her to the clearing and from there....”
“I know,” he says then kisses her on the cheek. Finally, he looks down at his confused looking daughter. First kissing her on the forehead then saying, “It’s time for you to go with mommy princess.” Not leaving anytime to comment, her mom picks her up as he runs off into the house.
They make it to the clearing in silence. She watched as her mother tried to hold back tears all the way there. When she sets her down in the clearing, she starts to ask her mother what’s wrong, but her mother speaks first.
“LunaB listen to me, there’s no time for you to speak unless told. You have to run and run as fast as you can to protect yourself. Watch your back but don’t look back. If someone calls your name don’t look back, keep running. I know you're only five and you don’t know how to protect yourself nor fight so just run. Even though you’re five you are the fastest little runner; you can beat your father and me. When we make it through this we will find you. No matter where you are, we will know. You need to learn things and learn them fast. When you turn 16 you will change and it will hurt. I hope and pray you find someone to help you with that, but don’t trust anybody.” Stopping there, the girl nods her head meaning she understands. Her mother walks over to a tree and pulls out a medium sized black backpack along with a smaller white and black backpack. “Here sweetheart.” She helps the girl put both on. “Now run fast.”
The last thing she saw before turning around were her mother’s glossy green eyes turning into a darker green. She knew what was going to happen next, but she turned around and did what her mother said. She ran.
~flashback over~
Latsse's POV
The day my mother told me to run, that’s exactly what I did and I didn’t look back. I’ve been through some ups and downs. I’ve learned, fought and protected myself. I may feel alone and even forgotten, but I am strong and will not break down now.
Couple of more days before I’m 16, before my change comes. I stopped wondering how it’ll feel, all I care about is my parents finding me. Its what keeps me going, its what keeps me safe.
“Hey girlie here’s your stop.” I look from the window to the woman looking at me through the mirror over her head. I don’t talk much, hardly at all, so I nod then get off the bus quickly.
No not a school bus, I don’t go to school. I have no home, I move to much for that. I’m moving now actually. I look up at the airport then look down and walk through the doors. Quickly finding the desk I walk up to it.
“How may I help you?” The man ask nicely.
“I need a ticket to...” I look up at the board. Hmm I already been to California and New York, so I need somewhere.... “to Nebraska.” I say before realizing I was saying it. Is that even on the board? I didn’t see it. Why do I want to go there?
“Which class?”
“First.”
“Alright. That’ll be $975.” I give him the money in cash. “Go to gate 7, your flight will be leaving in twenty minutes.” I nod then walk away.
When I was six I found a card in the black and white backpack. The pin number was taped to the back of it. I don’t know how much money is on it. I mainly just take money out every now and then and don’t use it. They had everything planned out, they still do.
Something’s telling me to go to Nebraska so that’s where I’m going. I’ve been all around the world. Nobody ever questioned why a six to ten nor twelve to fifteen year old is traveling by herself. I’m glad they didn’t. I’ve been to Florida, Ohio, California, Tennessee, Mississippi, New York, South Dakota, Washington, and Missouri.
All along the way, I discovered my new name. Latsse Msspa. Luna Arose Through Smoke Stained Eyes, Moon Seeker Smart Protects All. Even though my past is mostly smoke and mirrors I can still see. My true name is LunaB Ravensbird and I’ve changed from that person. I love the moon and I search for it every night. I am smart and everybody I’ve crossed paths that needed help. I, Latsse Msspa, has helped them.
I know it’s a weird name, but I was looking out for myself. What if someone knew the RavensBird? I couldn’t have them guessing it was me, the lost LunaB. So a new life meant having a new name. I’m just wondering when will my old life start to shine through. When will my mother and father find me? When can I trust people?
“Would you like something to drink.” The flight attendant ask, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“No thank you.” I say, then she walks off.
I’ve gone months without food or water. I know the effects are starvation and dehydration which will soon lead to death, but I haven’t died yet. I can even go two months without sleep, it doesn’t drain me and I won’t end up crashing into peaceful coma. When I go without sleep my senses are more alert.
My mother told me to learn, so that’s what I did. I learned all about werewolves, even the difference between the wolves fur and smell. I even learned about mates. I’m so not looking forward to finding mines. Its going to be hard to trust him. I haven’t trusted anyone for many years. Now-a-days I don’t even trust my mother’s word. Sad, I know, but I don’t. Only person I trust is the girl who looks back at me in the mirror.
Speaking of mirror, where’s the bathroom? I open my eyes and look around, eyeing the little bathroom sign, I get up and walk in. After using the bathroom, I cross over to the mirror. Hate to say this and sad to admit it, I look like my mother and I don’t like it. I want to look like myself because I’m all that matters right now.
My green eyes look just like hers, even my long auburn hair and tanned skin. My red lips, somewhat acute nose, and wide eyes are mines though. My ears poke out when they’re not hidden by my hairs. I have half my fathers height. He was six something, while my mother was around five/five. I’m five eight now. Lucky me.
I have muscles, you can really see them when I’m running, fighting or working out. My legs are longer than my arms, but isn’t everybody's? What I mean is, I have medium length arms with long legs, hints my height. Others would say I look small and petit and they’ll highly underestimate me.
Walking back to my seat, I walk with pride and confidence. It toke me awhile to get this walk down pact, an hour at the least. I wanted to come off as powerful and underestimated. I remember the year that ‘wannabe’ thug underestimated me and tried to rape me. Lets just say he won’t be raping anybody and might as well become a transvestite.
No one takes control over me but me. Hope my wolf realizes that when she finally comes out to play with me. Seeing as I’m only 15 and not 16 yet, I haven’t met her. I hope she’s crazy, I need someone in my life like that. I just hope she has my same level of trust issues.
Good thing my birthday’s in three days right?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
127,318 Literary Works • 671,484 Reviews
I really like what you have going here. Before I continue, I'm not one for grammatical errors but here are a few small ones.
"Couple of more days before I’m 16, before my change comes. I stopped wondering how it’ll feel, all I care about is my parents finding me. Its what keeps me going, its what keeps me safe."
It isn't big, but in the last sentence Its is suppose to be It's. And one more.
"No not a school bus, I don’t go to school. I have no home, I move to much for that."
Just change the to in the sentence to too.
Overall, your character is really unique. I love how she comes across and she is extremely independent. I feel sorry for her in the sense she is growing fast, but that makes for a powerful character. That one line where she fought off a thug who tried to rape her made me laugh so much, "Lets just say he won’t be raping anybody and might as well become a transvestite." Ouch! Your character is pretty bad-ass.
One other thing is I'm curious to see how this whole wolf thing will play out. Ha, I cant wait for your future work, I'm definitely following you. Thanks for the good read, I'm looking forward to seeing Luna in her adventures.
Hi SharraeWilson,
To begin with my overall impression: this wasn’t terrible. The chapter is written well enough for me to keep on reading right to the end without needing to stop – that said, I read mostly with the hope that the story would improve with time. The beginning was shaky, the standard rambling thoughts of the main character which read more like a character profile than a true glimpse into the character’s mind. This didn’t tell me anything new or get me to care about the character, but perhaps if I kept reading there would come a point where as a reader I would get to see more depth to her, to share her experiences and gain more of an understanding of why she thinks and acts the way she does.
Unfortunately, this point never came. Sure, there is a chapter’s worth of words here, but that’s all they are – just words. I read them and no story comes to life from behind them. No sense of any real character occurs to me, only a scattering of facts which, to someone who has not been given any reason whatsoever to care about this character, is meaningless. I feel like I could have learned as much about her, and gained as much of a sense of who she is, from simply reading a list of facts about her.
Right now she’s only a sketch, inanimate. A physical description, an age, a name and a few bland, circular thoughts. It started to seem as some point as though all this chapter was meant to do was repeat and make very clear in the reader’s head those same facts; her name, her age, physical description and unemotional descriptions of her backstory lacking any real humanity, any character, any life. In which case, as a reader, I would much have preferred to skip ahead to reading the next chapter. There is nothing here to make the reader care. Most of the grammar and spelling are fine (although there are a few errors, so I’d suggest to check over it and correct those), but where is the life in it? Parts of this read more like a template to a story rather than one that is living, breathing, real.
That is my general impression; here are a few more specific thoughts and ideas which will hopefully prove a little more helpful:
This doesn’t make much sense. Surely there’s a better way to phrase that she learns, fights and protects herself? Or better yet, to not say it at all but to gradually show it to the reader through the events of the story. Again, the words themselves don’t mean much – they are strings of letters and sounds which don’t automatically have much life to them. Tell someone a generic fact about a character, and they’ve taken in information which they’ll probably forget because what impact can such a thing really have? Show them their experiences, all the colour and greyness and ambiguity, bring the character to life and the reader will have something to remember.
This is really quite fitting – and it includes the readers. So she gave herself a fancy, complicated name. What does it mean to us? Is it really necessary for her to keep repeating it? If the name is so important to the story (which I doubt) then perhaps it would be better to wait to explain it until later, when it has more relevance.
Onto the flashback—
While one of the rare parts of the chapter which actually paints a scene and event instead of simply sifting through the character’s lifeless thoughts, there was not much to get out of this. It doesn’t read well – the tense changes partway through, and the dialogue is stilted and extremely generic. The characters in the scene are not people but puppets, emotionless. This is disappointing because this is such a huge event – a young child’s parting from her mother – and an opportunity to develop all the characters and introduce some real emotion into the story. Not only is it hollow and disappointing without any such emotion, but it’s also unrealistic. What sort of child would part from their parents and run away and experience nothing at all?
Maybe that is the point, that she was some very emotionless child: but she must have experienced something. Perhaps numbness, or disbelief at her own not feeling anything? If not that, then what did she notice? Was there any fear; did her heart pound as she ran? Was there no confusion, or at least defeat? Maybe she didn’t really understand what was happening, and closed herself off from it or denied it. But she must have experienced something, something other than simply listening to her mother’s instructions and following them without any feeling or perceptions of her own, like a robot designed to carry out a task.
Her mother is not much better – once more, there is little emotion in her dialogue, and nothing in anything else. Surely she must have felt something – fear herself, or sadness, even anger or confusion? What was her body language like; did her daughter pick up any emotion from what was happening? I don’t need, don’t want to know that her mother’s eyes were glossy green. I’d much rather know what they showed about the real living person behind them – was there worry or blankness; were there tears?
Reading further into the chapter, Latsse Msspa begins to seem more and more like a lifeless caricature. She can take care of herself, she’s smart, she helps everyone she comes across who needs it. What evidence of this do we have but the character’s own ramblings with nothing to back them up; how does the reader know she isn’t just extremely arrogant? More importantly, does she never feel any pain or suffering? She’s had reason to feel it, and yet it seems that nothing affects her at all – like a statue, she stays the same and doesn’t grow and develop. How did she come to be so good at taking care of herself? Was it not difficult, at first? There are hints of this here – she feels that she can’t trust anyone – but not nearly enough. Clearly she isn’t weak, but even the strongest of people feel pain, suffering and doubt.
The chapter is unbalanced – there’s not nearly enough depth of the characters’ experiences, and far too much on unnecessary details which don’t matter, at least not yet. Things which could show more depth to Latsse are skimmed over. Then, perhaps the following chapters will become better and come to life more. I hope that they do. There may be some tiny parts of this which actually develop the character and show her experiences, but most is meaningless rambling. It needs a lot of work.
I’m sorry if this seemed overly critical; this is just my own internal reaction to the chapter, and I really hope that some of these points might help with improving it. With work, perhaps the rough sketch could form detail and colour, becoming more alive and in doing so leaving more of an impact on the reader. Good luck.
~Niebla
Hi, SharraeWilson. This is Pinkie here for a review.
I love this chapter. This is an enjoyable masterpiece. The narrator is very interesting and realistic. Also, the plot is very interesting. It made me want to see more and don't want it to end. However, it has nitpicks on here. Well, FigureOutLife already did the point-out-the-errors-part so I will forget about it. Anyway, I enjoyed this chapter. I love to read more from you. I will ready for the next chapter. Have a great night!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Hello there! I'll start off with some grammar and nitpicky stuff.
At the beginning, I think you should narrow down the spacing just a bit. I like how you have the paragraphs separated like that, but if it was just a tad less it would be perfect.
There she is, in the backyard playing with her toys. Looking up, she sees her parents walking towards her so she stands.
-Add a comma after 'her'
She kissed her daughter's forehead. “I know baby,” is all she said, then they sat down and played with the toys.
There should be a period after 'baby'
“Already?” She ask, the man just nods and walks away.
Should be 'asks'
I know you're only five and you don’t know how to protect yourself nor fight so just run.
Comma after fight
Couple of more days before I’m 16, before my change comes.
I think at the beginning of the sentence you should have something like 'There's only a.'
I look from the window to the woman looking at me through the mirror over her head. I don’t talk much, hardly at all, so I nod then get off the bus quickly.
This sentence is just a little too wordy at the beginning. I would change it to something like - 'I look from the window to the bus driver, peering at me through her mirror.'
I have no home, I move to much for that.
Should be 'too'
“How may I help you?” The man ask nicely.
'Asks'
Hmm I already been to California and New York, so I need somewhere.... “to Nebraska.”
I would take out the 'hmm.' It's just a little much in my opinion. I would also change it to 'I had already been to California and New York, so I needed somewhere new.
Something’s telling me to go to Nebraska so that’s where I’m going.
Comma after Nebraska
I am smart and everybody I’ve crossed paths that needed help. I, Latsse Msspa, has helped them.
'I am smart. Everybody that i've crossed paths with that needed help, I helped them.'
The way you had it was just a little too wordy.
“Would you like something to drink.” The flight attendant ask, pulling me out of my thoughts.
Question mark after drink.
I also think you should have some sort of transition here, where she boards the plane. I thought she was still walking through the airport, or even sitting at the gate. Try to describe her surroundings and movements more, to give the reader a better view of whats going on.
I know the effects are starvation and dehydration which will soon lead to death, but I haven’t died yet.
Comma after 'dehydration'
I’m so not looking forward to finding mines.
Take out the so, and change to 'mine'
After using the bathroom, I cross over to the mirror. Hate to say this and sad to admit it, I look like my mother and I don’t like it.
Add a 'but' or something like that after 'admit it'
My ears poke out when they’re not hidden by my hairs.
Change to 'hair'
My legs are longer than my arms, but isn’t everybody's?
Change 'isn't' to 'aren't'
What I mean is, I have medium length arms with long legs, hints my height. Others would say I look small and petit and they’ll highly underestimate me.
I understand what you're trying to say here, but try reading it aloud for a smoother sounding sentence that makes more sense for the reader
Hope my wolf realizes that when she finally comes out to play with me.
Add 'I' before 'Hope.'
Overall, it was enjoyable to read! In order to make it better, I think you should read it aloud to yourself and make sure to proofread. Especially when you read it aloud, it pulls attention to the sentences that are wordy and/or don't make sense.
You've got a really good story line here, and I can't wait to read more!
Hope I helped!