Punctuation is a little messy, but this was well put...Erm...Repittion usually doesn't fit, but it worked for this piece...
Death
Reality today is never quite just as it seems;
Naught is left but masquerades and piles of broken dreams.
Faced with world’s conformity, it’s often “do or die”.
Men have long forgotten truth, so cloaked in baseless lies.
Remember what you stand for, and all that you believe
Remember what's worth fighting for and all that is perceived.
Remember to laugh when you're joyful and heal from all the scars.
Remember what I'm telling you, and the heart of who you are.
Who you are is who you become when no one is around
Who you are is who you’ll be when your world comes crashing down.
Who you are is who you are when dancing to life's song.
Who you are is who you’ll be when set against the throng.
Remember who you are when you take the hardest fall.
Remember who you are when you think you've lost it all.
Remember who you are when you’re faced with glass-like stars.
Remember what I've told you and you’ll go so very far.
Remember what you stand for when others disagree.
Stay firm in you beliefs and in your personality.
Don't be a shadow on the wall, stand up and raise your voice.
Tell them all what you believe and make your life your choice.
Remember who you are when you face the boist’rous crowd
Remember who you are and let your courage be your shroud.
Remember who you are, when all efforts seem to fail
Just be yourself and no one else and you will soon prevail.
So listen well, and time will tell if lessons you have learned
will someday lead to brighter paths when bridges have long burned.
And when all around you masks are worn and giants seem so tall,
Remember who you are, my friend, and you’ll rise above them all!
Punctuation is a little messy, but this was well put...Erm...Repittion usually doesn't fit, but it worked for this piece...
Death
Hey!
Mind if I take a look...? I thought not:
I found that this just wasn't dramatic enough. By all means, repetition can be great, but not in this amount. Poems aren't just about structure and cool literary devices. We need some imagery here, some metaphors, similies. What does your character feel like? Her mood? Expressions? I personally am not a huge fan of rhyming, and you have some good stuff here, but others appear a little cheap. You do not need puncuation at the end of every line, but a little would help - since you have such long a lines, a comma here and ther wouldn't go amiss. Also, the start of every line doesn't have to capital! Only if it is a new sentence, or proper noun. I also see no emotions, due to the fact you just tell us about them.
-Mark
I agree with Vernon, a tad to shouty for my liking. But between, and indeed within the lines there is real potiental. Some great imagery, good word choice and rhyming scheme.
The concept is good, but the structure and repitition is dragging it down.
And welcome to YWS!
This is *blinks* Too Preachy! You just go on and on, I saw some potential to begin, but you just keep repeating. It is as living said 'been there, read that'. It's not an original topic or even written that original. You just tell us. Remember show don't tell. Show us everything and kill the repetition please!
Overall: Remember show don't tell and kill the repetition.
Good luck
VSN
Hello!
Just wanted to let you know that here on YWS we ask that you do two reviews before posting your work on here. Keeping a 2:1 ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feedback.
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OverEasy
I absolutely love it! It's really and wonderful! I don't know what else to say except WOW! I love this! Can't wait to read more!
Jamie.
Okay, first I must say... that repetition hurt. I seriously have a headache right now. Repetition works, it helps make a point, but not when you do so many, many many, many many many times!
I like the topic. It's very nice. But your word choice is just too... overused. Been there, read that.
Also, I feel your rhyming was forced. That hindered me from getting full enjoyment out of this.
Some lines I did like though are:
Who you are is who you become when no one is around
Who you are is who you’ll be when your world comes crashing down.
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