Published May 14, 2008
Wake me up
I must be dreaming
It's not real
this can't be happening
You're not here!
What are you doing?
This can't be reality
Wake me up.
Sun's on my face
too bad it's night
Where am I?
I'm just dreaming, right?
I think I'm dying
recalled to life
This can't be my destiny
Wake me up.
Terror rising
but I'm sleeping
Claws are slowly
surely creeping
Nightmare's grip
is unreceding
This can't be forever
Please wake me up!
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
This is too vague. The emotions are undeveloped. I feel all you did was scratch the surface. This needs deeper meaning... and originality.
One part I did like was the last stanza. although those same exact words were probably said somewhere else, whether you were consious of that or not. It was pretty nice and I loved the flow.
Hope to see more of you!
This part:
and
this part:
are really weak. Try to find a better way to end those stanzas.
I agree with Incandescence. This is all telling and it's really boring, no offense. You constantly tell us about all these nightmares none of us (or at least me) care about. Try adding more feeling into it rather than telling us about all these things.
This poem reminds me of, like October Girl said, "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. Maybe it's because of the "wake me up" part. It's okay since there is only that one similarity but try to stay away from making your poem too alike.
I think the first stanza's fine. I'd take out the rest and restart from there.
Hope this helps,
Summerless <3~
oh my goodness I'm completely in love with this poem! It's just so.... deep it does remind me of the song Bring me to Life. I don't know but I just wanted to say good job and I hope to hear more from you!!!
-Max
It was interesting yet simple. I liked it but the punctuation wasn't so great. I kinda wish you would of gone deeper into the dream itself.
I would have to agree with Brad, I didn't really gain a deeper insight into the subject of dreaming or nightmares by reading this. The imagery is very juvenille, and the flow is a little off on account of your bad punctuation.
Maybe put this is a drawer for a while, work on something else and then come back to it, and see what description and language you can add to the piece.
Good luck,
Eimear
ChildofEden,
What is the reader supposed to take away from the piece? Am I supposed to be moved, to empathize with the plight of the narrator, to enjoy it purely as entertainment, to have a new view of nightmares?
None of those things happened, at least for me. The (primary) reason is that your poem basically ends after the first strophe, and the rest is a repetition of stock images of nightmares ("Claws slowly / surely creeping"? really? you couldn't have a nightmare that is actually interesting and not available on DVD?). What I'm guessing is supposed to be desperation--"Please wake me up!"--comes off as corny, stilted and boring after the first use. The problem is that it doesn't develop into anything more than what a five year old would have attained from watching aforementioned DVD.
I would recommend scrapping this and starting over.
Best,
Brad
I really like this! I like how you repeat "wake me up" at the end! It's really good! Keep up the good work! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. =*(
Jamie