Published May 14, 2008
Before you read, I'd like to give a note that this was written a few years ago, and is a tad cliche. If you've got any advice on how to improve it, I'd love to hear it!
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Once so young and starry-eyed,
you made me trip; took me on a ride.
You made me lose that innocent blush;
I can't believe you took so much.
Now you play the part of "ghost"
and take from me what matters most.
I should have seen and heard the signs
and left you standing far behind.
Leave me;
take what you will and
leave me.
I'll run until you
leave me.
I'll run so far from here.
Once so young and innocent,
I believed you heaven-sent.
Your voice so raw like molten gold
whispered secrets yet untold.
Now you haunt my ev'ry breath.
Who would save me from this death?
Running;
So hard and fast, I'm
running.
Till tears have passed, I'm
running.
I'll run so far from here.
Now so old and broken down,
I'll shiver when I hear the sound;
your voice, an angel from dark hell.
To think I thought I knew you well!
To think you haunt me night and day;
my heart still shouts "Be gone! Go away!"
In the night, my demon sings.
Why can't I stop remembering?
Leaving;
I wish you would start
leaving.
My heart so fixed on
leaving.
I'll run so far from here.
Why do you taunt me
follow me; haunt me?
What do you want,
my ghost?
Why won't you leave me,
you only deceive me?
What did I do,
my ghost?
Dreaming;
I want to think I'm
dreaming.
A nightmare; now I'm
screaming!
I'll run so far from here.
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141,488 Literary Works • 674,524 Reviews
Hmm, I'll ignore clicheness, this just seemed more like a song. A lot of this would be saved in song format. So my advice, rewrite this as a song format, which shouldn't be too hard as you've basically almost did it.
Overall: This is lyrics, not poetry.
Good luck
VSN
Oooooh. Very good. I like that kind of...I don't know sad kind of tone to it...But hey, I'm goth, I'm like that! Anyways, I don't think I saw ay spelling errors or anything like that.
Death
I think this is really good! It seems a bit repetitive some places, but really heart wrenching, especially because I know where it's coming from. It was really good. I didn't really see anything else wrong with it except that it seems a bit repetitive sometimes. XD
Jamie
Very good! I liked it lots.
It seemed more like a song to me than a poem
somtimes though.
Just with the way that the stanzas kept changing in size. For me it was a tad to much punctuation.
And I wasnt a huge fan of the repetition of the main lines just changed.
I thought it was great
You used punctuation! Thank you.
I liked this a lot. It flowed well and I liked the discriptive words you used.
I don't normally like kind of long poems but this one is an exception. I think you did a really good job.
~Rachael