Tired, weary but proud.
Wounded and injured, but standing tall.
Proud of what they’ve done for their country
Fought for our freedom
Defended our safety
Protected our lives
Without them we wouldn’t be free
And to have them come home from the hours of fighting
To have them step proudly out of the gunship
Even if a brother has to help them,
Is the moment that their families have been waiting for
They’re welcoming home a father,
A brother,
A sister, a mother
A cousin, an uncle
An aunt, or even a grandparent
But no matter who they’re waiting on the landing deck for
No matter what loved one is about to step out of the plane
They all know one thing:
They’re welcoming home a hero
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Chie. I started reviewing this nearly a year ago but never got back around to it then found it while sifting through drafts. Yeah now is probably a good time to finish this up.
Better late than never, right?
Wrote a good bit of this before so my apologies if it repeats a lot of what the other peeps have said.
First thing: stanzas. Very useful things in the poetry/other world and would definitely help with the flow of the piece. There are already some pretty natural breaks in place and wouldn't make much difference to separate them with a dash or whatever the heck these things (~~) are called. I like to always have things split in at least half of the length of the original because that seems tolerable to the eyes. Further splits, just associate the themes better and connect the emotions more than before.
The military and Fourth of July theme is good, especially for me, coming into this from a very long line of soldiers and sailors. The last line was a very powerful way to connect the sort of distanced, previous themes scattered through the lines. But more on the flow cause I'll be back to content in a bit, you need some punctuation. The poem is very rushed and I feel the lines flying by me before I ever get a chance to focus on the previous line, not a good emotional feeling to draw from a work. I'd like to see you change it up a bit with some more stops here and there.
Overall, just know that I loved this poem a lot. There's just one more thing I'd like to recommend then I'm gonna bounce out.
If you possibly wanted to add a bit more pep and start with something strong, swapping the comma after tired for an 'and', would lead to some favorable repetition. It would be more similar in formatting the next line and a bit more pleasing to the eye to fully stretch out the point in your mind. Just one more thing to think about.
Alright. So if you have any questions about the review, shoot me a pm either here or on Discord.
Good day to you.
~Lady Lizz
Hey, ashlingwolf here! Happy review day!
I really, really liked this poem (I think it's a poem, but it is in other so I can't really be sure. Is it?). It has a great message and is really impactful on the heart of the reader reading it. It was certainly very powerful for me.
To me, the voice in this piece is one of the most important things. The idea of "But no matter who they’re waiting on the landing deck for" really seems to say more than just that- to me, it means that just because a soldier didn't win the medal of honor doesn't mean they should be any less respected. That all soldier, no matter where they fought, what they did, is a hero for risking their lives in a job that's important, so that was very powerful. Also, listing all the different family members just sort of made me think about how most soldiers have families, and that they aren't just pawns for the government. They have lives when they aren't fighting (which is actually why war games bother me so much.)
There should be a comma after "a brother," but after that, this piece is very clean when it comes to grammar and spelling.
All in all, this was just a very powerful piece. Thank you for writing it.
-ashlingwolf
-
Thank you!
Hey there! clogs here to review!
Not sure why this is in the "other" category, because it sure reads like a poem to me. I think that part of the reason it still might be sitting here with no reviews is because people tend to click on the "poetry" tab when looking for poems to review, but there isn't an "other" tab. So I'm going to be reviewing this as a poem.
You don't really reach the meat of the poem until about halfway through. Up to that point, it's just kind of the same "support the military" stuff that I've heard a thousand times before. Have you ever heard of the term "cliché"? It means a phrase that has been used so much that it no longer has an emotional impact on the reader. Phrases like "fought for our freedom" are cliché because they're used EVERYWHERE, in pretty much any pro-military thing you can imagine. Make sure you avoid clichés and know how to spot when you're using them. They prevent you from writing your own, original imagery that gives the reader an insight into your unique perspective. I can tell from the comment below that you're writing from experience here, so make it shine through in your writing.
All in all, that paragraph was a very long way of saying: Work on your imagery in the first half of the poem. Don't just use stock phrases about the subject, instead come up with something that puts your perspective into the writing. Here's a lovely KB article on imagery to use as reference:
Imagery
The second half was where it started to get the emotion across more. "Even if a brother has to help them" was a great, but subtle way of referencing wounded veterans that was also very emotional.
A few things about this part: I'm not sure those line breaks are doing it for me. It just seems kind of list-y and forced. I think it works better than listing the family members without the line breaks, but it'd be even better if you could find a way to get this across without listing at all.
Also, I felt like there was some confusion with the pronoun "they" in this part. In the first half of the poem, "they" was referring to the soldier, but suddenly you've switched it to be referring to the family. Maybe try something that takes away "they" to refer to the families, like, "Their families have been waiting to welcome home a father". Just try to remove the confusion.
I'm not really buying those italics in the last line. I think that the power of the phrase stands well enough on its own, and the italics just make it slightly over-the-top.
Now, I want to talk about perspective for a minute. This entire piece is about the emotions of the soldiers. What "they" are feeling, what "they've" done, what "their" families are waiting for. It's all from the third person. I think that that's why it comes off as generic at times: because you're not writing from your perspective. You're talking about the emotions of the soldier instead of your own emotions, when in reality, the only emotions you can be 100% sure of are your own. I think that your poem will be more specific to you if you talk about your emotions and your experiences, rather than those of someone else.
Also, you've kind of lumped all soldiers into one, proud, homogeneous mass. It's hard not to be generic when the poem itself is generalizing a very large, very diverse group of people. I think that maybe the third person could work if you based it on one person who you knew very well, like a family member, instead of just one person.
I feel like that wasn't very clear, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask! ^^^
Next, I want to talk about capitalization. There are lots of capitalization styles in poetry. The one you're using is perfectly valid, but I just wanted to let you know that you're free to explore lots of different options! Here's a KB article detailing these styles to you.
Capitalization in Poetry
You start out with pretty solid punctuation, but then it kind of goes away later on in the poem. For consistency's sake, I'd recommend going back and changing that. There are also lots of different punctuation styles, as this KB article will tell you.
Punctuation in Poetry
The one that you seemed to be starting off with was sentence punctuation, so that can help you if you want to use that style for the entire poem.
I hope this review was helpful, and keep on writing!
Thanks for the review! I didn't mean it as a poem because it's just some thoughts I scribbled down. But thanks for the advice!
WOW. This was....wow. Knowing your military background, and me having military in my family, this is very touching. I'm sure if defiantly brought some memories up for you as it did for me. Great job.
Thanks.