Young Writers Society

Thank you for the advice. It's just a little bit embarrassing when I see all the mistake I made X^) I also learned about my comma addiction.
@ mandapanda- hey, that's cool. How do you spell you're cat's name? I just made up the name Kierra (I'm sure it's a real name but I just thought of it on a whim one day), so I don't know any real way to spell it. And Kierra's back story will be explained in later chapters.

Thanks again. I fixed up my story so... yay!

Lol my cat has the sam name. REVIEW TIME! At first I thought she was a wolf or something, but then I figured out she was a dog. I'm curious about what happened that made her mouth bloddy or whatever. Maybe you could add something that explained what happened to her before she was out for two weeks. Maybe you could add some deital to, describing you know. Also where is she? Ok, I'll cut to the chase. I've copied and pasted your whole story on here and now I'm going to put all my corrections in red. #FF4000 ">Watch out for fragments

#FF4000 ">You've been spelling her name wrong, but sometimes that's personal preffrance.

The blast of cold air that flowed into Kierra’s lungs as she breathed in let her know she was awake. Her throat burned with thirst so that it hurt to swallow. She could feel the hard ground beneath her, every rib pressing hard against it. She opened her eyes. For the first time in weeks, she saw the sunlight filtering in through the trees and into her shelter. It burned her eyes and she blinked to get used to the brightness. She scrabbled to stand and wavered on unsteady legs, admiring the blood that had dried around where she had been lying. It had faded to an ugly brownish color#FF4000 ">colour.

Kierra sniffed the air. It smelled wet, as if it had just rained. She licked her lips in anticipation and could taste the dry blood around her mouth and nose. Stumbling out of her shelter, she took a view around her. The woods were peaceful#FF4000 ">; the only living things in sight were the birds flittering through the tall, solid trees. The air was thick with moisture, and the ground was dotted with clear puddles. Creeping to one, Kierra looked at her reflection.

She was a sight. Her head was just skin draped over a skull#FF4000 ">; her fur turned a dull yellow and matted with blood. Her eyes seemed sunken into her head and lifeless; for a moment, she thought she was looking at a carcass. She shuddered at herself.

No matter, she whispered to calm her rising hackles. I survived, didn’t I? I can be back to my normal self in no time. She lowered her head and gratefully lapped her fool of the cool, fresh water. Then she rolled in it, trying to rub the blood off her face and the mud and dirt off her body.

She sat down, letting the sun dry her and wondering what to do.

I don’t even know where I am. How long have I been unconscious? Days? Weeks? I can hardly walk; I can’t just go looking for someone to help me... Her stomach growled and she whimpered, wishing for food.

Suddenly, a strange but alluring scent swept past her. What was it? By the way her stomach’s cries grew louder, she guessed it was food. She stood up shakily,#FF4000 ">and then sat down again. Who was she kidding? She couldn’t go off in search of that smell. She sniffed the air again, longingly.

To her surprise it was stronger this time, closer. Her tail began to thump in anticipation. What was this delicious thing and why was it coming straight towards her? Then a new scent hit her- dog. Her shoulders sagged, disappointed. It was just a dog and his meal.

“You’re awake!” A sharp cry of surprise made Kierra whip around. A massive dog was standing there, mouth open and an unidentifiable piece of meat at his paws where he had dropped it. He was the biggest dog Kierra had ever seen. Tall and stocky, had he been standing next to her he would have towered over her. His fur was a dark brown that darkened into black on his short, thick muzzle. His dark brown eyes glittered out at her a face peppered with age.

“Who are you?” she croaked, then recoiled at the odd, c#FF4000 ">rackly sound of her voice. She hadn’t heard herself speak in awhile

The dog seemed to compose himself, his excited eyes clouding over and his mouth sagging in grouchiness.

“Don’t you remember me?” he snapped. “My name’s Stone. I’ve only been watching over you, that’s all.”

Kierra closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. She remembered now; his solid body as he guided her to the shelter, where she collapsed into darkness.

“Yes,” she said warily. “You led me here.”

Stone just nodded. “Real sick, you were. I’ve been watching over you since. After two weeks, I thought you’d be dead, but I guess you pulled through.”

Two weeks? Kierra bristled. How had she been out for two weeks?

“Anyways,” Stone grunted. “I found this chicken in someone’s garbage. It’s kind of old, but you can have it if you want.” He backed away from the meat and sat down.

Kierra crept forward, practically on her belly in case the dog decided to change his mind and attack her. He didn’t, and she began to quietly eat, chewing the meat off the bones and then discarding them. Stone was right- this meat was old. But to Kierra’s starving body it was like fresh rabbit.

“Thank you,” she whispered when she had finished, and crept back.

“For what?” Stone snorted. “You barely ate any.”

He bent down and began to devour the chicken in huge, greedy gulps.

“So, how’d ya get so sick?” he asked between bites, his eyes bright with curiosity. “Some bad food?”

Kierra just shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. Her voice still sounded like a dying crow. “I cam#FF4000 ">e from South, about 100 miles-”

“Long journey.” Stone interrupted.
“Yes. Anyways, I got really sick all of a sudden, and that’s when you found me. I don’t know what was wrong with me though.”

“Welp#FF4000 ">I'm not sure what you ment by this, but fix it.” Stone pushed away the skeleton of the chicken and stretched out on the ground. “Now you’re nothing but skin and bones, and your fur has lost that pretty glow.”

Kierra’s ears went hot with embarrassment. Why did Stone have to bring up how bad her fur looked?

“In any case,” Stone continued, not noticing Kierra’s offence. “You’re in no state to make a living out here. You can stay with me, until you’ve got some meat on your bones.”

“Oh, thank you sir!” Kierra gasped. She couldn’t believe that this dog would be willing to shelter and feed her for however long it took! She flattened her ears and snaked out her tongue to lick his chin and show him how grateful she was.

“Oh, none of that submissive stuff!” he growled, pushing her away. “It’s no trouble, really. You just go and sleep some more now.”

Kierra nodded and obediently stumbled back to her little shelter, just an opening between two boulders. She was already exhausted. She curled up happily. She would be safe now; Stone would take care of her. But as she drifted off, she couldn’t help but remember the reason she had headed #FF4000 ">northNorth. The thing she conveniently forgot to mention to Stone.[/color]

Ello Chicken! Welcome to YWS! :D I'm here to review your piece and hopefully you're doing the same for others to get points and a better chance for more others to review you. :] Let me tell you how I review first: Spelling/grammar corrections are in #FF0000 ">red, the original text in italics. Questions/comments are in #0000FF ">blue, the original text in bold. And things I liked in general in #00BF00 ">green! :3 I will be quoting sentences in need of correction in the order of which they were written for easy finding. Let's start!

Her throat burned with thirst so that it hurt to swallow.#0000FF "><-- After 'so' I would suggest putting 'intense'

She could feel the hard ground beneath her, every rib pressing hard against it.#0000FF "><--How about 'rough ground' instead of 'hard ground' since you used 'hard' twice in the same sentence.

She scrabbled#0000FF "><--I think 'struggled or scrambled' would be better then 'scrabbled' to stand and wavered on unsteady legs, admiring the blood that had dried around where she had been lying.#0000FF "><--She admired?! She was proud of the blood?

It smelled wet, as if it had just rained.#00BF00 "><--I love the smell of a passing or coming rainstorm :]

She licked her lips in anticipation and could taste the dry blood around her mouth and nose.#0000FF "><--Anticipation of what, exactly?

The air was thick with moisture, and the ground was dotted with clear puddles.#FF0000 "><--I think the comma after 'moisture' isn't needed.

Tall and stocky, had he been standing next to her he would have towered over her.#0000FF "><--Instead of a comma after 'stocky' how 'bout you put an 'and'.

His fur was a dark brown that darkened into black on his short, thick muzzle.#0000FF "><--'deep brown' instead of 'dark brown'?

His dark brown eyes glittered out at her #FF0000 ">comma a face peppered with age.

“Thank you,” she whispered when she had finished, and crept back.#FF0000 "> <--I don't believe the comma after 'finished' is needed.

“I cam #FF0000 ">came from #FF0000 ">the? South, about 100 miles-”

Anyways, I got really sick all of a #FF0000 ">'the' instead of 'a'?sudden, and that’s when you found me.#FF0000 "><--Again, I think the comma after 'sudden' isn't needed.