Published September 5, 2011
OK! This is my first post on the website because I only joined a few weeks ago! And this is only the very beginning of the story so don't worry this isn't all of it!! Hope you like it. 
“Oh for goodness sakes Lauren, what’s taking you so long?” My mum shouts up the stairs. “COME ON! You’ll be late!”
“Whatever?!” I shout down to her.
“LAUREN! NOW!!” she shouts up, getting really annoyed.
“WAIT!! I’m only doing my makeup! Gosh!” I was getting annoyed to, this happened every morning even on Saturdays and Sundays, which by my watch are days you don’t have to go to school or work so there is no need to get up early, right? But no my mum always finds a way to get me up early whether its for shopping for new clothes and morning breakfast at Milano, going to the supermarket to ‘beat the morning rush’ as my mum says, church or just to go jogging. And frankly I’ve had enough!
“LAUREN!!! NOW! Why do you need to wear makeup to go to school?!” She’s just going over the top now, I always wear makeup to school. Why does she only comment now?
“Because I want to, HAPPY??”
“NO! You know I’m not happy get down hear this second!!” There’s no point fighting it now, it’ll just make more trouble later.
“Happy now mum, I’m ready, oh wait I just need…”
“NO! NO! NO! We’re going… NOW!!”
“Yes mummy.” I say sweetly and walk out the door.
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138,282 Literary Works • 672,096 Reviews
You know your story focuses only one situation which is how the girl is struggling with her mom every morning. This makes your story quite missing lots of stuff other than complaint. You definitely need to add more to your story; a more depth in the relationship between the mother and the daughter, how the rest of the day goes, does the daughter love her mom despite of what happens every morning.
Hi there!
This is a good piece, it has a lot of good dialouge. You didn't use much description which means your dialouge would've had to be top notch. You really brought out the character's personalities in their words, giving us a good idea of their relationship through how they react to each other.
The ending of this made me laugh.
I do think you could've added some imagery in there. Paint us a picture. What kind of makeup is she putting on? What color is her eyeshadow? Add a little bit of imagery to help the reader visualize what is happening better. Also, when you write dialouge, you should break it up by creating a new line. When you're switching from Lauren to her mother, write it like this:
Lauren: "Says something."
Mother: "Says something back."
Lauren: "Says something else."
Overall I liked this. Keep writing!