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Friends?: Scene One (Edit version)

by Chibigirlygamer


Scene One:

On the stage, is a trashcan and a locker set. MAY is behind the trashcan, hiding.

MAY: (Softly) I can make a friend today. I can make a friend today. For mama and papa and for myself. I have to make a friend today.

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 walk on the stage chattering about gossip that happened that day. MAY peeks from behind the trashcan and watches them)

GIRL 1: (sad) But why would he break up with her through! I thought they had a deep connection.

GIRL 2: She said it’s because he was obsessed with her. Stalking her and not allowing her to see her brother!

(MAY leans closer to GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 and listens)

GIRL 1: (disappointed) Oh right. But why didn't she call the police?

GIRL 2: I am not sure why she didn’t.

(Phone ringing)

(GIRL 1 looks surprise and opens her purse and grabs her phone)

GIRL 1: (Looks at phone screen) Crap!

GIRL 2: What?

GIRL 1: Shelbe is calling me!

GIRL 2: Answer it then.

GIRL 1: But what do I say?

GIRL 2: Hello.

GIRL 1: Okay. 

(GIRL 1 looks around the hallway)

GIRL 1: But not here.

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 head towards the bathroom and enters)

MAY: I wonder if they were talking about Shelbe and Harris breakup. Cause I didn't know that Harris was stalking her.  A stalker case? Cool, but I wonder if that is the truth. Harris never seemed to care for Shelbe that much.

(GUY 1 walks by the trashcan and notices MAY sitting there)

GUY 1: Excuse me?

MAY: (Ignoring) I wonder if Shelbe is upset. But I can’t ask her if she is. I’m not her friend. Gosh darn. If only I had friends.

GUY 1: (Annoyed) Girl, why are you hiding behind a trashcan?

(GUY 1 touches MAY on the shoulder)

MAY: Huh? (Turns head) Who are you? (Realizes where she is.)

MAY: (frighten) I am doing! (Jumps up) Nothing bad I sure of you!

(MAY looks scared)

GUY 1: I am not going tell on you.

MAY: Um, okay. (MAY grabs her arm and pulls at it)

GUY 1: So since I'm not, why were you hiding?

MAY: Eh?

GUY 1: Why were you hiding?

MAY: EH?! (She let her arms fall, but now hands in knuckle form.)

GUY 1: Um, are you okay?

(MAY look at him in the eye, and then looks around.)

MAY: No. Goodbye. 

(MAY dashes away towards the other side of the stage)

GUY 1: HEY! WAIT! Where are you going?

MAY: AHHH!

(MAY hides behind perfectly place trashcans)

GUY 1: (yelling) I can still see you!

(MAY covers her head and GUY 1 shrug this off and walked off the stage)

MAY: That was so stupid of me. People are bound to notice a teenage girl hiding behind a trashcan. 

(Looks at trashcan she is hiding behind)

MAY: Why am I so stupid? 

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 can be heard as muffled voices in the bathroom.)

MAY 1: I wonder what they are talking about? I could become friends right with them if I went in.

GIRL 1: Shelbe! Where are you?

(MAY stands up and heads towards the bathroom door)

MAY: I wonder?

GIRL 2: Where are you Shelbe? What was the real reason you cut school today?

MAY: I can't become their friends today! They are neck deep in drama right now! 

(MAY place hand on the doorknob)

MAY: If I can't make friends today, then why not spy on those who do have friends already? 

(MAY walks into the girls’ bathroom)


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16 Reviews


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Fri Sep 30, 2016 3:49 am
thepapermonster wrote a review...



This is adorable. I like May, her being so painfully shy is relatable to me, honestly. But I don't try to make friends, she's desperate for some. I think it's okay, I guess, but what exactly are you aiming for? What genre is this, who is the audience, what are you trying to say? Are you May?
I thought this bit was wonderfully silly/funny X): (MAY covers her head and GUY 1 shrug this off and walked off the stage)

BTW.

"GUY 1: I am not going tell on you." - (to)

"(She let her arms fall, but now hands in knuckle form.)" - I don't understand this line too well. Do you mean her hands are in fists?




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Tue Sep 20, 2016 6:56 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King here

You have been here since a week and a bit more but I hope it is still acceptable to say you are a new member. If yes, welcome to YWS and hope that you have fun being here. In general, I will try to explain you some jazz and we will talk about what we can do to make your writing looks better and your style to improve. All my edits will be my own personal opinions and thoughts. I personally am not into the style you are writing in but that does not mean I will be correcting it because I usually do not see it around the site or anywhere else, I find it refleshing to see something a bit unique and different from the crowd.





On the stage, (I do not find a reason this comma to be here) is a trashcan and a locker set. MAYMay is behind the trashcan, hiding. (I think that this is her name? I just wrote it with only one capital letter)

MAY: (Softly) I can make a friend today. I can make a friend today. For mama and papa and for myself. I have to make a friend today.

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 walk on the stage, chattering about gossip that happened that day. May peeks from behind the trashcan and watches them)

GIRL 1: (sad) But why would he break up with her through!? I thought they had a deep connection.

GIRL 2: She said it’s because he was obsessed with her, stalking her and not allowing her to see her brother!

(MAY leans closer to GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 and listens)

GIRL 1: (disappointed) Oh right. But why didn't she call the police?

GIRL 2: I am not sure why she didn’t.

(Phone ringing)

(GIRL 1 looks surprised and opens her purse and grabs her phone)

GIRL 1: (Looks at phone screen) Crap!

GIRL 2: What?

GIRL 1: Shelbe is calling me!

GIRL 2: Answer to it then.

GIRL 1: But what do I say?

GIRL 2: Hello.

GIRL 1: Okay.

(GIRL 1 looks around the hallway)

GIRL 1: But not here.

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 head towards the bathroom and enters)

MAY: I wonder if they were talking about Shelbe and Harris's breakup. Because I didn't know that Harris was stalking her. A stalker case? Cool, but I wonder if that is the truth. Harris never seemed to care for Shelbe that much.

(GUY 1 walks by the trashcan and notices May sitting there)

GUY 1: Excuse me?

MAY: (Ignoring) I wonder if Shelbe is upset. But I can’t ask her if she is. I’m not her friend. Gosh darn. If only I had friends.

GUY 1: (Annoyed) Girl, why are you hiding behind a trashcan?

(GUY 1 touches May on the shoulder)

MAY: Huh? (Turns head) Who are you? (Realizes where she is.)

MAY: (frighten) I am doing--- (Jumps up) Nothing bad I assure of you!

(May looks scared)

GUY 1: I am not going tell on you.

MAY: Um, okay. (May grabs her arm and pulls at it)
(grabs her own arm and pulls it??)

GUY 1: So since I'm not, why were you hiding?

MAY: Eh?

GUY 1: Why were you hiding?

MAY: EH?! (She let her arms fall, but now hands stayed in knuckle form.)

GUY 1: Um, are you okay?

(May look at him in the eye, and then looks around.)

MAY: No. Goodbye.

(May dashes away towards the other side of the stage)

GUY 1: HEY! WAIT! Where are you going?

MAY: AHHH!

(May hides behind perfectly placed trashcans)

GUY 1: (yelling) I can still see you!

(May covers her head and GUY 1 shrug this off and walked off the stage)

MAY: That was so stupid of me. People are bound to notice a teenage girl hiding behind a trashcan.

(Looks at trashcan she is hiding behind)

MAY: Why am I so stupid?

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 can be heard as they continued to muffle in the bathroom.)

MAY 1: I wonder what they are talking about? I could become friends with them if I went in.

GIRL 1: Shelbe! Where are you?

(May stands up and heads towards the bathroom door)

MAY: I wonder?

GIRL 2: Where are you, Shelbe? What was the real reason you cut school today?

MAY: I can't become their friends today! They are neck deep in drama right now!

(May place hand on the doorknob)

MAY: If I can't make friends today, then why not spy on those who do have friends already?

(May walks into the girls’ bathroom)




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Points: 5430
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Mon Sep 12, 2016 8:53 pm
Gummy wrote a review...



Well, I'm glad you actually bothered taking the first step, at the very least. Hello, my name is Gummy and I'm here to review this lighthearted piece of yours. I'll be reviewing your work in the same format I always use to review any other user's work: I'll start by pointing out some of the good parts of this story before continuing with the rougher patches later on. I'll stop beating around the bush; I'm beginning the review right here, right now.

Alright, so the situation presented is an appropriate one for the mood this piece is overall trying to convey. It reminds me of a slice-of-life school anime... Judging by your profile picture and your username, I'm pretty sure that was your original intention. :P

I don't know if it was intentional, but there is a section of this skit that forced a chuckle out of me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the following lines:

GIRL 1: Shelbe is calling me!

GIRL 2: Answer it then.

GIRL 1: But what do I say?

GIRL 2: Hello.

I interpreted these lines as a sort of sarcastic humor that I find pretty funny.

As for the rough patches, I'll list a few of them, but I'll try not to go overboard. You're still getting your feet wet, after all. The big issue I found regarding this piece refers to the way the characters interact with each other. I feel like the conversations between the different characters, mainly Guy 1's conversation with May. Sure, the situation that's going on is especially embarrassing, but I believe May's surprise and subsequent waterworks was way too overly dramatic... and let's not talk about the guy shaking May roughly; that's practically illegal in most scenarios. Some of the lines sound really awkward, which makes me wonder if you--the author--are native to a place where English is not the native language... No offense.

In the end, I believe styles like the one used in this piece should be used more often. Being the Young Writer's Society, we see a lot of dramatic and deep works, and it's nice to see a humorous, happy-go-lucky story every once in a while. Welcome to YWS, by the way. I hope you enjoy your stay and learn a lot while you're at it. If you're looking for material to continue honing your skills, I suggest browsing the forums for a while; there's tons of tutorials that can help jump-start your career. You'll be glad you gave it a shot. I hope to see you again around these parts; I'm rooting for you!

Best of luck,
Gummy~




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Mon Sep 12, 2016 8:09 pm
Que wrote a review...



Hello, welcome to YWS!

I very much appreciate skits and such, as I am unable to write them myself, but from the standpoint of one who writes stories often, this needs a bit more of a plot.

Obviously there's a bit of conflict- May needs to find friends for herself and for her parents, and she is freaked out by a random guy. However, there needs to be a larger, ongoing conflict with smaller side conflicts. I get that this could be one of those- I feel like it could be the first part of a larger script- however, you still need a beginning that grabs readers. While a girl sitting behind a trash can is interesting, sort of, all of the mystery is instantly taken away because we know what her goals are. If this is just meant to be a single piece, then I would suggest making it longer, with a larger conflict or a few more characters- definitely more about May and her school- and if this is only the first part, then I would still say spice it up a bit and make readers eager to go on to part two. Other than that, there are a few grammar and spelling errors to point out.

(GIRL 1 and GIRL 2 walks on the stage chattering about gossip that happen today, MAY peeks from behind the trashcan and watches them)

Since there are two girls, walks would just be walk.

GIRL 2: She said it’s because he was obsessed with her. Staking her and not allowing her to see her brother!

I do certainly hope you meant stalking!

MAY: Huh? (Turns head) Who are? (Realization what she is doing,)

You might have wanted "who are you?" and realization should also be realizing. You probably don't need the comma at the end either!

Anyway, there are several more mistakes like these throughout, just make sure to reread your work and check for these little errors. Don't worry, everyone makes them!

When you go in to edit this in terms of plot and characters, just think about your favorite plays, musicals, or books and how they make you love the characters (or hate them), feel suspense, and build tensions and conflict. Often other authors are the greatest examples! :) Good luck in all your future writings, I hope to see more from you!

-Falco




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Points: 205
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Mon Sep 12, 2016 7:52 pm
Allia says...



Are you writing a skit, or a story?






A skit.



Allia says...


Hehe, everything makes sense now. Looks pretty good! Might want to run it through a spell checker, though.




We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy