Published December 20, 2006
When the Clock Struck.
When the clock struck half-past midnight,
The faintest glow of blood-red grew
Out from under the street light.
It throbbed and pulsed with a sinister life
And oozed up to seep under the front porch light.
Sliding through the keyhole in the doorknob,
The glow hissed and faded into the shadows
Of the blissfully sleeping mind with the heart throb--
And changed the dreams of joy to screaming,
Screams of the blood-red, nightmare blob.
With a silver breeze the nightmares develop,
Deep within the restless mind of the uneasy sleeper.
Angry thoughts flit about while the restless mind tries to cope.
A slender tendril, a crimson stream, extends to touch the dreamer
A tiny gasp as the final sigh drifts away, gone from life.
A ghostly chuckle echoes through the house,
While the sleepers soundlessly scream--
Their happy lives are stolen by a sinister louse.
As the clock strikes one, their lives do end
And the glow leaves not a thing alive, not even a mouse.
Slipping silently out the door, the glow does flee
Back to the nether world from which it spawned.
Filled with sinister and evil glee,
Sated and content with the lives it has stolen
Brand new slaves, for all eternity.
First off, I -know- that the second verse doesn't quite flow right...I've edited but I don't know how else to word the first line, which is where the hitch is...otherwise, crit away!
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Blue is suggestions, green is the points of interest/problem. I'll finish later, didn't have too much time.
The 'blood-red' offsets the flow, why not just stick with red. Or to change the whole line you could put 'under the street lamp, a glow red as blood began to grow' just suggestion. Also the word life just seems out of place (possibly check for some synonyms or you could make it 'pulsed sinisterly'). Also the last line might needs a little re-wording, and you could also make that into two lines to make it flow easier.
Third line of the second stanza, the last part should probably be separated into two lines. Also the fourth line should be split into two and the sentence ended. Also 'nightmare blob' ? Change that, to something more frightening, 'blob' just seems to make the thing comical.
In some of the stanzas, you maintain this A-B-A-C-A rhyme scheme. It's fine in the first stanza. Second stanza...well, blob makes it seem silly. In the third stanza, it doesn't even exist. Develop-cope-life? Nope. It's awfully forced in the fourth stanza. It's okay in the fifth stanza.
The meter in this piece really needs to be worked on. It needs to be read out loud several times. Here are some lines that were especially painful:
Other than the meter and rhyme issues, this was a great piece!
Thank you for your time.
Colleen
I liked this poem...it's creepy and chilling. That's what you meant to do, right?
First of all, some of your rhyming pattern is a little awkward. I lost sight of where it was rhyming on some of the verses. For instance, in the third paragraph. I really got confused here as to whether it was really rhyming or not.
One other thing - a slight cheesy rhyme.
"A ghostly chuckle echoes through the house,
While the sleepers soundlessly scream--
Their happy lives are stolen by a sinister louse.
As the clock strikes one, their lives do end
And the glow leaves not a thing alive, not even a mouse."
You rhymed 'house' 'louse' and 'mouse'. They are all kind of...immature rhymes. I know it's hard to find something that rhymes with 'house' that's NOT cheesy...so maybe you should change 'house' and follow through with the other words. "A ghostly chuckle echoes through the halls' or something like that. Anyway, nice work!
Hope this helped,
It's good.Very mysterious.You're right about the 2nd verse.It's quite hard to digest.I don't really get what it's about but it sounds really good