Published February 3, 2007
The cold kiss of a blade,
The sharpened edge descending
His life, my love, is ending
It’s too late for love my dear.
Sorrows stream down my face,
Endlessly descending, dripping
To land in my lap, silent weeping
For one too good to die.
Desperation rears its dark head,
Unhappy hate is its shadow
Bearing the evergreen meadow,
He cuts away his life.
Pure goodness wells from the wound,
Dripping, slowly seeping, a stain
Is spreading, there is none to heal the pain
And weeping, silently weeping…
Four minutes pass, silence ever after,
He is gone, his heart has beat its last
All words, after this, it is in the past.
My life, my love, my heart.
Gone, beyond Deaths door
Life is dull, grey, bland hereafter
And I reach, rope, for the rafter…
He is gone, we are apart,
Yet not for long…
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Really beautiful word usage. I loved how the lines were played out, the grammar and spelling were alright as others have already commented on, but altogether, I loved this.
Keep at it!
-Rieda
I agree. While certain things aren't up to standard and it certainly doesn't feel very polished, that's the charm of this piece - raw emotion. It touches something in me that causes a definite wave of empathy. Beautiful. You are an excellent poet.
A gemstome before it's cut or polished. I like that. There's something raw, yes endlessly beautiful, something naturally aesthetic about emotion scarcely contained by form or language.
My lady, a beautiful poem. Rhyme, at times, was effortless, and rhythm was fluid, like tears. What can I say? Poignant, and perhaps just a little bit empathetic.
I know it doesn't have much punctuation....for one I was crying as I wrote it.
No, his life isn't ending -because- of the blade, but -by- the blade. He actually tried to stab himself through the heart... fortunately, he missed, and all major internal organs as well. But yeah....I wasn't thinking too well when I wrote it, understandably.
Its basically the emotion in its purest form, without being dusted, trimmed, shined and made presentable. Like how a gemstone looks before it's been polished. Although that sounds rather vain...
Thanks for the crit by the way ^_^
~Chibi
I really liked the rhyme here. It was very un-forced and enjoyable.
I say take out the ellipses, first of all. Putting them in either makes the piece sound drifty or as though you've left something unsaid. A period will certainly do.
The ending hit me. It's nothing new, that idea, but I think you pulled it off well. Of course, "He's not with me, but not for long because I'm going to kill myself in grief," is rather cliche, but it did fit with the tone of the poem.
I would definitely like to see some punctuation. Many of the stanzas were single, stretched-out sentences. Punctuation will make the meaning much clearer and the phrases will be easier to read.
The last stanza being five lines really annoyed me. Why have this pattern of four and then screw it for some short, dramatic last line? Just move that line up to the one before it.
I didn't really understand the blade. Is his life ending because of this blade?
"Sorrows streaming...": come up with a more original way to say it.
You used descending in the stanza right before that. It's just plain awkward. In fact, a lot of words are used over and over again. I say get out that good ol' thesaurus or the stanzas will start to sound all the same.
No apostrophe in "its" because it shows possession.
Are none? Either way, sounds awkward. "There is nothing" sounds much better. Of course, this would throw your meter off.
Is there a significance to four minutes or is it just a randomly chosen time?
Probably my favorite line. Perhaps nix the comma after "reach" so it reads "And I reach rope for the rafter."
Good work!
Colleen