Published September 22, 2009
It is exactly noon and we are wrapping up.
I close my notepad for lunch and the
Secretary comes in and opens the blinds.
I am now in the break room and
Sipping the last of my purified water from its recycled bottle.
I have just discovered a baby grand piano under the—
No, wait—that was last night—after a few too many glasses of red wine, I
Was needing hydration, and all I remember is holding onto the bedpost and—
Lunch is already over? I press down the crease on the plastic bag that seals my
Bologna sandwich and I slip it back into my grocery bag in the refrigerator.
Back down the hall, Williams has gotten up to speak again so I open my notepad again and
Start doodling in the margins.
See, I fit quite perfectly into this office chair.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I really liked your plot shifts, from the red wine and gripping your bedpost right back to the office chair. Kind if gives the reader a sense of whats inside your mind. I liked the ending too, clever little line. I enjoyed this, looking forward to your next piece!
Ummm... I'm new to this form of poetry. You just sort of listed random thoughts? Is it supposed to be a non-sequitter? I'm rather in the dark with the purpose of this little piece. The construction of sentences packed together makes it (for me, at least) very confusing. It sounds like random parts of an essay linked together without any sort of structure. I loved the description, though. It's rather like the sequence of events in a dream, and I thought it was about a dream, but then at the end you're writing sitting in an office chair? I'm very lost. I'm sorry to be so critical. I'd love to find out what this type of writing is called... Please PM me, if you wish, to explain this?
Thanks!
-Voxina
I really have nothing useful to say because god, I love this. I love the narrator, and everything that goes utterly unsaid, and the imagery which is outlined but not filled in. I did feel like you might want to play with the last line, though; just a touch too obvious, and the breaking of the fourth wall feels strange after that gorgeous, mundane, tantalizing chain of thought.
Yeah this is great, really a refreshing take on a already depressing topic.
The only thing that I did not enjoy was the use of again twice in the third to last line, but I could see how because it reads differently you would want to include it. Great poem.
continue
This was entertaining and confusing all at once! It definitely was not a typical poem. I'm a fan of the sad rhyming and gloomy poetry, but this was a nice break from that. I liked how the speaker would interupt themselves, and I love how you leave the part about the bedpost at a nice cliff hanger. Good job.
Hey. This was good but I won't lie, at first, I didn't understand it at all. It wasn't until someone said 'sex scene' that I was like...oh, he was drunk. Once I completely and totally understood it all, I can say that it was really good(: Interesting as well.
-Rena-
I enjoyed it as well- it was fairly conventional but had enough of an offbeat quality to throw the reader and provide a memorable reading experience. I generally echo Snoink's suggestion to cut the length down slightly. More in-depth comments follow.
Spoiler
Everytime I reread this, I feel like you're referring to a snack wrap. Could it happen?
Can the secretary have a name? Right now she's just wall paper but if our hero called her by name, doesn't it add a bit of chauvinism and a sexual element as well? Consider:
I close my notepad for lunch and
Helen (our secretary- in a bright red skirt)
Opens the blinds.
Perhaps that's too much. But I want there to be more to this secretary.
Woah. Did we just change scenery? Or is he now only explaining his location? This line seems abrupt and bizarre. Why is it necessary? Cut?
I feel as though, wonderfully surprising as this is, it could be handled more artfully. Can the first line not be more sexual? And I'm not getting the business with the piano. He is daydreaming to the previous night? Why a piano? Can it be smoother? How about something more like:
Licking sauce off my fingers in the break room,
I notice that the couch can fold out
And become another bed, because all I remember about last night
Was holding on to the bedpost and trying to suck all that red wine off of her-
Or something more in that vein. Take bigger risks.
I want Helen back.
Back down the hall, Williams is speaking again, and Helen gives me a wink.
I start doodling aggressively in the margins of my book.
I'm trying to frontload more sexual tension here.
The phrasing of this bothers me a tiny bit. I feel like
This office chair fits me well.
... adds a bit more contentment and complacency into the tone. The speaker does not fit into the chair, the chair fits him. More arrogant? Good work with this anyway.
Hey, that was really well written and I really enjoyed this poem. I loved how you changed from his drunken night to his day at work!!! Keep it up!
Hay this is really good. I agree with Snoik's way of setting it out. It is a lot easier to read that way.
Also I like the way you make the sex scene just a filtering vague moment, it makes me think of the night that he could have had. It has possibilities for the nights events.
I love the contrast between the drunken night and the normal somewhat boring day.
Sorry its not a big critique, hope it helps.
Hey Chevy! Great to see you here again.
I actually really liked this work. The main thing that I would probably do with it would be cut down some of the words.
It is exactly noon and we are wrapping up.
I close my notepad for lunch and the
Secretary comes in and opens the blinds.
I am now in the break room and
Sipping the last of my water
I have just discovered a baby grand piano under the—
No—that was last night—after a few too many glasses of red wine, I
Was thirsty, and all I remember is holding onto the bedpost and—
Lunch is over? I press down the crease on the plastic bag that seals my
Bologna sandwich and I slip it back into the refrigerator.
Back down the hall, Williams has gotten up to speak again so I open my notepad again and
Start doodling in the margins.
See, I fit quite perfectly into this office chair.
...I have no idea whether those edits are good or not, but that is what I would probably do, if I were the writer. So ignore what you hate and so on.
Also, a couple of questions... the sex scene seems a bit too short here... it's barely existent, and I keep on thinking of, "The Naming of Parts" because you go from a rather sterile environment to a kind of alcohol-induced madness, so I sort of want you to go back there and give us a better picture of what's actually happening.
I do like the picture of the office. It was very... typical. Made me remember my short stint as a secretary.