The Four - Chapter One

by CherryScriptAMK

Published June 24, 2026

E - Everyone

In The Four

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In a west coast city called Sterling Harbor, there lived a girl named Annette Ellis. Annette seemed like an average twelve-year-old girl with brown hair always kept in a single French braid, light brown eyes, and a well rounded nose and mouth. But as many discover along the course of life, many things are not quite as they seem. This was certainly true in Annette’s case, for she was quite advanced for her age. But other than that, she lived a fairly unremarkable life.

In that particular moment, Annette was strapping on her beige backpack. She was planning on taking a stroll to a nearby library, something she did often, as she loved to read. In one swift movement, she snatched her treasured library card off of her desk, slipped it in her pocket, and was ready to go. She was dressed in a well-made brown sweater that she had even knit herself, her special golden locket that had a picture of her and her parents inside, slim-fit khakis, and her favorite dark wash canvas sneakers with faded doodles on the rubber toes. Out the door of her apartment she went, softly humming to herself.

On the crowded street called Harbor Front Way, quite possibly the busiest street in all of Sterling Harbor, things were looking pretty strange. Of course, on a busy street, things were always bound to look at least a little strange, but Annette thought this was a bit stranger than usual. There was a black van parked directly in front of her apartment with the words “Glass House” and a little magnifying glass logo printed on it. Annette slowed her pace to examine it. She wondered what it was doing in front of her apartment, but having not come up with an answer, didn’t linger on the subject, as there were many other things to think about. One of those things was the two peculiar men a few yards in front of her. They were dressed in reflective sunglasses—which Annette deemed odd because it was cloudy outside—and nice silver suits—almost too nice, Annette thought, for the suits were perfectly pressed and didn’t have any noticeable sign of wear. When light hit them, they seemed to shimmer with a faint, oily rainbow effect that reminded Annette of a polished shard of glass. The men seemed to be in some kind of argument.

“Are you sure this is the right coordinate, Stryker? We don’t have time for another dead end, thanks to your lousy map reading,” the taller one said in a gruff sounding voice, motioning to the apartment. He had black hair that was slicked back tightly and eyebrows that were so well pruned and thin that they reminded Annette of needles.

“Course. That’s what the Doctor said. He’s never wrong, you should know that by now,” replied the second one, a shorter and rounder man that had bushy brown eyebrows and hair that clearly hadn’t been combed recently. Annette was under the impression that he was much clumsier than his stern friend.

She was approaching the men and began to step to the side to avoid collision, but the shorter man suddenly slid right in front of her. He grinned, which was an unsettling sight indeed. His lips were noticeably puffy and when he smirked, he resembled a puffer fish.

“If you would excuse me, sir,” Annette said, and tried to step around him.

The man just chuckled and said, “Oh, no, pumpkin, you’re coming with us, aren’t you?”

Coming with us? Were they actually trying to kidnap her? Annette just shook her head and tried to continue on her way, but it seemed the men were serious.

“Now if you would just be a good girl and get in the van,” said the tall man, his lips tight.

“No thank you, I’d rather not,” Annette said, scanning the two men. They had stepped closer to her, nearly pinning her against the side of the Glass House van—and Annette suspected that the black van was theirs—and although the street was bustling with people going to and fro, no one seemed to take any notice of the men potentially kidnapping her. She wondered if the men were specifically interested in kidnapping her, or if just any girl passing by would do. Well, the van had been parked in front of her apartment, but the answer was not yet clear. Annette figured she would find out soon, whether she wanted to or not. Again, she tried to walk past the men, but they didn’t allow it.

“Let me rephrase that,” said the taller man. “You’re coming with us. You can either take the easy way, or the hard way.”

“Ooh, the hard way is quite fun,” said the shorter man, grinning again. “For us, anyway. You might find it enjoyable too—that is, if you like vipers.” At the word ‘vipers,’ his grin got bigger. “It’s a rather good thing I brought William Snakesphere, now isn’t it, Webb.”

The tall man, apparently named Webb, said, “I suppose. Now will you please hurry up and find the keys for the van? Last time I saw them, you were stuffing them in your pockets.”

Annette’s eyes widened and she took a couple of deep breaths. She figured that there was probably a 50/50 chance the snake was just a threat, but it still made her nervous. If there were any chance of getting out of this—which there hopefully was—she had better calm down and think. There was a slight gap between the men. Annette contemplated trying to squeeze through and bolt away, but the plan seemed unlikely to succeed, for the men were actively closing the gap as she thought. Her heart raced. Should she yell for help? No, the men might gag her or do something even worse than this William Snakesphere.

“Stryker, open the door. I’ll watch the girl. And for once, please do try to follow instructions properly,” said Webb, in a cold, down to business voice. He stepped even closer to Annette and put his cold, clammy hands on her shoulders, holding her against the van.

So this Stryker can be rather careless, Annette thought, trying to subtly squirm free from Webb’s grip, which he responded to with a sharp eyebrow raise, making her quickly stand still. Still scanning the men, she tried to use this information to form a plan, but to her distress, none came. Usually, she could effortlessly come up with a plan. So why not now? Annette clearly had no time to reflect on this, for Stryker was propping open the door and rooting around for something—something that hopefully wasn’t a reptile—in the van. If she was going to escape, it was going to have to be now. She scrambled to form anything even resembling a plan. The only thing that occurred to her was to run, which was out of the question given that she was being pinned against the van.

A blur of neon pink slammed into the scene. Annette was thrust away from the van, and ended up sprawled against the concrete a few yards away. She rubbed her head and sat up. Webb was now on the ground next to the van, struggling with a young woman wearing black boots and a neon pink jumpsuit. Apparently, she had knocked Webb down; she had come in so fast that she appeared only as a pink flash, at first. Annette lost no time in getting up and surveyed the situation from a reasonably safe distance. Stryker was presumably still lost somewhere inside the van, unaware of the chaos happening outside. Webb and the mysterious woman were still engaged in a struggle on the ground. It seemed the woman was winning; she almost had him pinned down.

It was at that moment the woman looked up at Annette. Her red hair, which had been put up in a braided bun, had come loose and messy tendrils stuck out in many places. “Run,” she said, in between grunts and deep breaths. “Go to the Fisher’s Footpath bridge. You’ll be safe there, trust me.”

There was something in her voice and expression that Annette felt she could trust. Perhaps it was the desperate look in her eyes, or the fact that she just saved Annette from being kidnapped, or both. Whatever it was, Annette decided to follow her instructions. She nodded at the stranger—who had completely pinned Webb down by then—and broke into a jog. Practically everyone who lived in Sterling Harbor knew what the Fisher’s Footpath Bridge was, a smaller walking bridge on the Argent river, a river that flowed into the ocean. It overlooked the sea, and true to its name was a popular fishing spot. There were usually a few people there, either aspiring fishers, people hiking on a trail that required the crossing of the river, or folks wanting to enjoy the view. Annette couldn’t imagine why the woman wanted her to go there, but she decided to find out. Besides, nearly anywhere was safer than around those kidnappers. The library would have to wait.

--------------------------

Next Chapter:

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=16...

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
noridori
Review
noridori wrote a review Review · Aug 1

hello! i have to mention i personally love when a story takes place in a coastal city, but i might be biased because i live in one...

anyway, let's get into this review!!

i like the opening, though i do think the first line could be a bit stronger. you already have some intrigue in the paragraph, like annette not being the average twelve year old girl she seems to be...

you always hear how hooks should grab the reader's attention, and you might think that means it has to be spackled with action, but i disagree! there are tons of ways to write a good hook while keeping that cozy, contemporary feeling. like 'I write this sitting in the kitchen sink' from I Capture The Castle!


...and a well rounded nose and mouth


i'm a little unsure what you mean here? i've only ever heard 'well rounded' refer to someone who has a balanced set of skills or knowledge in a lot of areas. if you meant that her nose and mouth are really round, maybe something like very rounded would fit better? if you meant that she has a good sense of smell and either good taste/silver tongue, i'd probably try to phrase that a bit more clearly.

In one swift movement, she snatched her treasured library card off of her desk, slipped it in her pocket, and was ready to go.


this sentence is pretty long and i think there are some good ways to shorten it. perhaps you could say something slightly differently to reduce the amount of actions?

She was dressed in a well-made brown sweater that she had even knit herself, her special golden locket that had a picture of her and her parents inside, slim-fit khakis, and her favorite dark wash canvas sneakers with faded doodles on the rubber toes.


this sentence is really long, and i wonder if all of this information is necessary. for example i love the details of her locket, that she knit her sweater herself, and that her sneakers have doodles. it tells us a lot about her! but 'her favorite dark wash canvas sneakers' instead tells us a lot about her shoes.

On the crowded street called Harbor Front Way, quite possibly the busiest street in all of Sterling Harbor...


i would cut the 'crowded' in this sentence, since it doesn't really convey any information we don't get from the second sequence.

...things were looking pretty strange. Of course, on a busy street, things were always bound to look at least a little strange, but Annette thought this was a bit stranger than usual.


hmm, i wonder if there's a way to phrase this part to avoid repeating 'strange' so much? maybe something like 'it was looking pretty strange. of course, that wasn't new, but today it was more so than usual'?

There was a black van parked directly in front of her apartment with the words “Glass House” and a little magnifying glass logo printed on it.


oh no! i knew she was in trouble as soon as you mentioned this... :( look out, annette!!

She wondered what it was doing in front of her apartment, but having not come up with an answer, didn’t linger on the subject, as there were many other things to think about.


to me, the structure felt a bit odd here, and it's a bit long. i like the tone, but i think there are clearer ways to say it. maybe something like 'she wondered what it was doing there, but didn't come up with anything so she didn't linger on the subject. after all, there were many other things to think about'?

They were dressed in reflective sunglasses—which Annette deemed odd because it was cloudy outside—and nice silver suits—almost too nice, Annette thought, for the suits were perfectly pressed and didn’t have any noticeable sign of wear.


this sentence is also really long, and the use of em dashes throws me off a bit. also, what does 'reflective sunglasses' mean? to me it sounds like these are sunglasses made of some unusual material to be reflective. if you meant they are simply dark enough to catch the light, i think you could say that directly (though i agree with annette... who wears sunglasses when it's cloudy outside???). i like the way you talk about the suits, but i think that could be broken off into its own sentence.

When light hit them, they seemed to shimmer with a faint, oily rainbow effect that reminded Annette of a polished shard of glass.


i feel like the adjectives here are competing with each other. i'm also not sure what exactly to picture? at first i thought of something iridescent like a soap bubble, but i don't associate that with polished glass, which i believe is clear and glossy, or maybe reflective if anything.

...the taller one said in a gruff sounding voice, motioning to the apartment.


i'd cut the 'sounding' from this sentence, because 'gruff voice' already means a voice that sounds gruff (eek, outside her apartment! annette... you might be in some big trouble...)

Coming with us? Were they actually trying to kidnap her?


i would add quotation marks around 'coming with us' since she's technically quoting them in her head (annette, sweetheart, you need to SCREAM!!!!1).

She wondered if the men were specifically interested in kidnapping her, or if just any girl passing by would do.


i love that this is what she's thinking about right now! it sort of gives me the same vibes as 'would you love me if i was a worm', in a way.

They had stepped closer to her, nearly pinning her against the side of the Glass House van—and Annette suspected that the black van was theirs—and although the street was bustling with people going to and fro, no one seemed to take any notice of the men potentially kidnapping her.


this sentence is really long. is there a way to break it up? (annette, my sweet sweet angel, you need to SCREEEEAAAAMMMMM)

“It’s a rather good thing I brought William Snakesphere, now isn’t it, Webb.”


snakesphere! aww, i know he's a snake, but the name makes him sound so... cute! i find it funny that these two villains named their snake william snakesphere, what a great detail to deepen their characters!

Should she yell for help?


yes [><]

If she was going to escape, it was going to have to be now.


'going' twice. this is a teensy weensy nitpick but you could say something like 'it would have to be now' to avoid repetition.

A blur of neon pink slammed into the scene.


aah! what a plot twist! i was so certain this poor girl was going to be kidnapped :( though the action felt a bit vague to me. 'slammed into the scene'... what exactly does that mean?

Annette couldn’t imagine why the woman wanted her to go there, but she decided to find out.


i want to find out as well!!!!

The library would have to wait.


wonderful way to end the chapter by tying it back to the opening!


overall this was a great piece, there was only one thing that bothered me. i don't understand why annette wouldn't scream? it felt a little frustrating seeing her scanning her surroundings and trying to orchestrate a plan instead of doing what would actually, probably, help her in this situation. maybe you could add an element that stops her from screaming? maybe there's some sort of magic that means the other people can't see them? or she's absolutely frozen in fear? or maybe the street was completely empty instead of full (i think it's a liittle bit unlikely that there are so many people moving on this street, and no one takes any interest in the situation. even just one look would probably be enough to tell something is wrong, and i think most adults would step in to try and stop a potential kidnapping).

also i have to clarify that when i give examples of how to change a sentence, you absolutely don't have to do exactly that! this is still your text, and i should not be trying to write it for you. the point of them is only to give examples to assist my arguments, so i hope they don't feel too intrusive!

but other than all that, i thought this piece was really good! i didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, kudos! the characters are all distinct and interesting, and i look forward to seeing how they develop! great work and thanks for sharing :D

User avatar
itzznandinini
Review
itzznandinini wrote a review Review · Aug 1

Hiyaaaaa! Today I'll be using the Chicken Sandwich Review Method



Top Bun: First impressions
Upon beginning, I got a lot of "Matilda" or "Rory Gilmore" vibes and the name Annette itself feels to emphasize on it. I also loved you classic style of beginning. Not the most impactful but it has a sense of comfort to it which makes a lot of sense. It also adds onto that aesthetic I got in the beginning. Overall, I love it.

Slightly Wilted Lettuce: Critiques
Sometimes the lines get too long which can dull the course of actions that happens. And with my short attention span, it makes me skip the paragraph altogether😭

They had stepped closer to her, nearly pinning her against the side of the Glass House van—and Annette suspected that the black van was theirs—and although the street was bustling with people


Genuinely not bad but it slightly throws me off.

Crispy Chicken: Favourite details
I love the OG egoistically smart- kinda dumb duo of men in suits. It's something I haven't read in so long, but I love it nonetheless.
I would love to see some funny moments from the duo!

Bahahahaa
It’s a rather good thing I brought William Snakesphere

Sn-sh- sssss- Shakespeare at his finest

Mayonnaise: Advice for improvement
I really really would love if you emphasized on the panic Annette was in when she was potentially getting kidnapped. You did some great work describing all the character's actions but I am dying to see some racing thoughts, fumbling around etc.
Same goes with the intro of the mysterious lady
You could show the hesitance but her eagerness to get out of there anyways

Bottom Bun: Closing thoughts
I've been doing some light reading that doesn't confuse the hella out of me and is js comforting to read. I am definitely reviewing the next chapter

love,
N

User avatar
LadyMysterio
Review
LadyMysterio wrote a review Review · Jun 25

Hello! It’s LadyM here with a review : D

I really like this introduction! It feels like some of the older books I've read and gives me a nice sense of nostalgia as well as gives me a good idea of the “vibe” of the character and the setting.
I feel like you could cut the “ready to go” part out of the end of this sentence. We already get the sense that this is the last thing she does before leaving. In fact I would say you could swap it so it's the last sentence in the paragraph. So it comes after the one telling us what she is wearing. “In one swift movement, she snatched her treasured library card off of her desk, slipped it in her pocket, and was ready to go. “

So maybe structure it like this :
“ She was dressed in a well-made brown sweater that she had even knit herself, her special golden locket that had a picture of her and her parents inside, slim-fit khakis, and her favorite dark wash canvas sneakers with faded doodles on the rubber toes.
In one swift movement, she snatched her treasured library card off of her desk, slipped it in her pocket. Out the door of her apartment she went, softly humming to herself. “

I really like how you describe these men, those suits sound neat too! This main character seems young, maybe fourteen or so? I'm curious what age range this is aimed for.
“One of those things was the two peculiar men a few yards in front of her. They were dressed in reflective sunglasses—which Annette deemed odd because it was cloudy outside—and nice silver suits—almost too nice, Annette thought, for the suits were perfectly pressed and didn’t have any noticeable sign of wear. When light hit them, they seemed to shimmer with a faint, oily rainbow effect that reminded Annette of a polished shard of glass. The men seemed to be in some kind of argument. “
I’d also recommend putting a comma after “One of those things,” And a period after “almost too nice, Annette thought.”

I LOVE The snake's name bahhaha “William Snakesphere, “ Is awesome.

Ooh and I love this new character, the women in neon~
Everyone feels like their own unique character that I can picture in my head. The pacing is nice too. The only real critique I have is possibly looking at rearranging a few sentences(like the one above) and maybe looking at adding some periods to a few long sentences.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this and I'm super intrigued by this, I hope you plan on writing more!

User avatar
HMMHhehe
Review
HMMHhehe wrote a review Review · Jun 25

Hello!

Wow, this is a great text!! I can totally relate with Annette, I also love to read.

For "Out the door of her apartment she went": I love the phrasing, this is a style of writing that I really like; but wouldn't it be "Out -of- the door of her apartment she went"? That would be a lot of 'of's, though, so maybe you're right (I'm not an expert in grammar...) And if so, please ignore this!

"Of course, on a busy street, things were always bound to look at least a little strange" - this is really good! It builds up good detail as well as helping with the story. Nice!

I also like the mysterious argument between the two mysterious strangers; how they're pointing at Annette's apartment... And, how Annette links the stranger with a pufferfish: it's really funny, I love it! But then, they suddenly want to kidnap her, and the atmosphere in the text changes from relaxed to tense. What I find a bit strange is, the two men didn't talk to each other about her, they were talking about the place; and Annette didn't notice them looking at her at all. If she's this important, why would they have been talking like this in front of her? But it isn't a big problem, just a small thing that I found strange - but then she wonders if it really is only her they want, so then it's fine, so please ignore this too if you want to, because it anyways gets cleared ^^

The way the adrenaline in the text builds up is very well done, we follow Annette in her thoughts of escaping as she panicks, but it's not rushed either, with the good amount of detail about the men; and I like the wordplay, William Snakesphere XD


On "Annette clearly had no time to reflect on this", I would have replaced it by "But Annette had no time to reflect on this", but just a suggestion.

Oooh, I love the mysterious woman appearing to help her: Annette probably has some unknown allies somewhere! There's a lot of mystery in this chapter, I really want to continue reading!!! The ending is great: "The library would have to wait." It sounds like a 'dun, dun - duuuuun!' But, of course, you couldn't write "DUNDUNDUN" at the end because... reasons. That would not have been smart.

Overall, there was a lot of great use of techniques in this (metaphors, going into the thinking, techniques who's names I don't know, etc.) It was really great!

Thank you so much for sharing it with us on YWS, keep writing (because it is not allowed to just leave us hanging on this cliffhanger - I want more of The Four!) but most important of all have a lot of fun writing and have a wonderful day!!!!!

-HMMHhehe the potato

Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. Yeah, I see what you mean by the out of the door; I'm definitely not a grammar expert either, so I'll have to research that. Thanks again! :)



I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights