Young Writers Society

Thanks so much, both of you, for the reviews! I edited it a little and I hope I've implemented some of your suggestions, for they were all very helpful.

Thanks again!

This is a very interesting story. The characters are very mysterious, and draws one into the story.

It's very hard to keep straight each of your characters, I keep getting confused as to who is who. Especially with the man who comes to fetch Lisk and Chane. Part of this is that you don't have enough clarification for people to distinguish one from the other.

‘Lisk? Tell me you are there. Please.’ The voice bounced down the chimney and flitted around the room, searching for the dodging, sprite-like girl.

Hey ChernobyllyInclined! Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Things/words/sentences that I believe would work better.

ChernobyllyInclined wrote:'Tis my first fantasy.

Any and all feedback is terribly appreciated.

_________


A spark spun upwards and then floated back down again, coming to rest in her outstretched hand. Two sharp lights slipped into her wide eyes and she laughed; the spark danced, did his best to please her, and then went out. Try not to end this paragraph with a runon sentence. Split it up. I love this description

‘Lisk? Tell me you are there. Please.’ The voice bounced down the chimney and flitted around the room, searching for [s]the dodging[/s], sprite-like girl.

‘Yes, Chane.’ She paused. ‘I’m not alone, you know.’

‘I’m coming.’ He felt no need to believe her but the possibility that she spoke the truth invaded his consciousness and he knew he would not be satisfied until he was certain. Again, run on sentence. Sliding down off the roof, he fell gracefully [s]at the doorway [/s]on his feet in front of the crumbling castle, [s]that was somehow not much the size of a castle at all[/s]. The walls dripped with words and careless lines meandered into puddles on the floor. interesting language here but I'm not quite sure if I understand it. Words and lines are dropping onto the floor? A table leaned against the [s]hallway[/s] wall and as he turned the corner there she was, sprawled on her back, laughing at the ceiling as if it had told her an especially amusing joke. Again, run on sentence. Try to avoid them please. Maybe first have a sentence about the table leaning against the wall and then him turning the corner. Then have another sentence that describes what he's doing

‘Darling. [s]Who is it that -[/s] who is [s]it that was [/s]keeping you company?’ A ray of light crawled through a crack in the ceiling and darted in and out of the boy's rust-colored hair. A figure in the corner feigned hesitance Feigned hesitance seems awkwardly worded here. Try to think up a better way to say timidly or something and then slipped into the light.

‘Only me. But I’m sure I could never refer to myself as company for -’ he looked at her, a smile pulling up the corners of his mouth ‘- for this silly little girl.’ His words seemed to come out insidiously, but Chane assumed this was simply his over-protectiveness. Okay, too many hes in this paragraph. I noted that you use pronouns a lot. It's okay when there's only two characters but when you introduce a third it gets confusing. I know that the first he refers to the shadow so instead say the shadow, don't say he because Chane is also in this paragraph

‘And you are?’

‘Well, a man, of course. I feel that would have been obvious!’ He laughed [s]carelessly[/s] at the puzzled look on Chane’s face and sat down next to the girl, letting his hand rest on her forehead.

‘Yes, of course. But who are you? And how do you know Lisk?’

‘Oh, is that her name?’ He stroked her forehead and she traced the lines in the ceiling with her outstretched finger. [s]The lie was pointless[/s]. ‘She wouldn’t tell me her name, for some reason or another.’

Chane was beginning to grow impatient. Impatience really doesn't come to mind for me in this scene. More like unease, or anger or being a little creeped out He knew this thing sitting next to Lisk knew exactly what he wasn’t answering, and why, but he wasn’t going to give up information easily Again, runon. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE make your sentences a little shorter because they can get confusing if there are too many ideas in one . There was an odd tilt to his head and the color of his coat acted as if it were black but somehow managed a grey that seemed to be unrelated to any color. Watch out for the hes.Shiny dark curls fell into his eyes and his lips were [s]bloodless[/s] instead pick a color. no color except white comes to mind when I think of bloodless and I don't think that's the color you want us to think . With every blink Chane became more unsettled. ‘I’m Chane [s]something-or-other[/s]. I just happen to be the owner of this quite godforsaken house she chooses to rent. I would feel more at ease if you would be so kind as to state your business here.’ He thought he had been careful not to offend the near sinister man on the floor in his house, but when he truly considered it later, it wouldn’t have mattered either way This sentence feels very unneeded. I recommend taking it out because you don't want to give away too much but that's just my opinion .

‘I apologize for being - how would you say - mysterious perhaps? No, meddlesome…dodgy - ha, no. More…insidiously inexplicable. Does that sound [s]about [/s]right?’ He smiled and seemed to be [s]much[/s] too wrapped up in [s]a way to[/s] describing his ambiguity that he forgot to explain it. Chane gazed at him, [s]sincerely[/s] confused [s]and very nearly startled by his own surprise and frustration [/s]- who was this oddity and where could he possibly have come from? ‘At any rate, I seem to be aggravating you, which I will also gladly apologize for, but I’m sure if we examined the situation more thoroughly, less questions would be called for. Now - where was I going with that? I suppose it couldn’t have been too important if its flown away so suddenly. Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say that things that fly away are unimportant…Isn’t this young lady such an excellent example of the importance of something that can vanish - so - suddenly?’

Before Chane was even altogether sure as to what the man had said, Lisk was on her feet, shaking her head ardently, a shadow in her eyes What do you mean by a shadow? . The illusion of waning light brought the patter of rain [s]to the scene[/s]; the [s]colorless[/s] man laughed. This last sentence was very awkwardly worded. Are you saying that the way that the light is being reflected it creates a rain-like patter on the wall or something?

‘Not my fault. It wasn’t. I recommend you say: It wasn't my fault. But you can keep these two separate sentences if you want ’ She was certain Show us how she is certain. Maybe she looks at Chane with a defiant light in her eye or something. Don't tell us she was certain . Chane snickered at her lack of an argument in a conflict he couldn’t see. How does he find this funny? Even he can't understand it and he should be very uneasy at this point, I mean a creepy man is sitting with her in this old castle playing mind games.

‘Hmm…Not your fault, you say?’ The man stood and she watched him with wide eyes, her fists clenched at her sides. ‘I would say that fault is quite often something difficult to calculate, with the small exception of you, my dear. Your case was -’ he paused, glancing at the ceiling and taking a few languid steps closer to her. ‘[s]Your case was [/s]undoubtedly [s]most[/s] very unique. You assume that everyone is easily taken in by your flighty, forgetful [s]act[/s]self. I am not. Although I admit that when you saw me and your face betrayed no recognition whatsoever I was utterly impressed with your performance.’ He had teeth missing Instead here I would say something like: He smiled wickedly, a large black gap where his front teeth used to be . Chane took a step toward the door, suddenly more frightened of this creature than protective of the girl. He never seemed really protective of the girl. Try to develop that more previously. He doesn't seem to be that worried about her. He actually didn't seem that worried at all

‘I don’t pretend. I imagine. Chane, tell this man to leave, I don’t - I don’t want him here.’

Chane was not at first sure how to carry out her request, [s]certain that telling this man to leave would help neither of them and yet at a loss for what else to do[/s]. ‘Um…Sir, it seems that you are not welcome at the moment. Apparently this is a bad time. Come back…another time perhaps?’ Chane knew that his attempt at hiding his hostility had failed; fear and frustration mixed in his veins maybe voice instead of veins?.

‘Well, that is very helpful of you to point out to me, my dear boy. But I am afraid I am not quite ready to leave. I suggest that you follow your own advice - [s]but for the part where you graciously invited me to return at another time[/s]. [s]I feel that a revisitation on your part would be entirely unnecessary[/s].’ And he winked, [s]instantly[/s] turning his attention back to Lisk, who was biting her nails [s]and looking intently at the ceiling like nothing was more intriguing at the moment[/s].

The room seemed to grow smaller and Chane concluded that leaving might in fact be most prudent. ‘Lisk, whatever this man wants you to do, please do it. I apologize, love, but you must know there is nothing I can do. I truly -’ But she interrupted him, [s]making it impossible for anyone to ever know what Chane was trying to tie truth to[/s].

‘I can’t, silly.’ She danced over to him, pearls in her eyes, and whispered in his ear One moment she's about to bludgeon the man or at least be defensive and then she's dancing over to Chane calling him silly. Try to make her more static . ‘He’s much worse then he looks, you know. [s]Although I can’t say I’m always sure how[/s].’ Turning, she glanced at him who?, like there was some kind of measurement for the ratio of what he looked like to what he actually was like Too many likes. Try to reword this sentence . After a moment she turned back to Chane. ‘Look for me, okay?’ Look for her when? After Chane leaves? I'm pretty sure you don't mean now. Also, show us a little emotion on her part. Are her eyes pleading with him for him to leave because she doesn't want him to get hurt?

Without much movement on his part, the shiny man had come up behind her. Chane perceived that this was much too close and so he let go of her hands and backed away. Could he leave her with him? The urge to run was stronger then that to protect, [s]much stronger then he would have thought[/s]. Show us what's going on in his mind and his heart. Whatever he attempted, he told himself, would be fruitless. He was probably just someone she owed some money to. He wouldn’t hurt her, that would be silly, of course he wouldn’t. Chane turned and took hold of the doorknob. I as the reader am definitley disagreeing with Chane right now. I mean really it would be very scary to leave her with such a strange man. If I were him all the signs seem to be pointing to DANGER. Even Chane feels the danger but I don't think you should go as far as him trying to convince himself that she'll be okay. Have him flee for his own protectiong, but don't tell us that he thinks she'll be okay because it's obvious she won't

‘I’ll come tomorrow, a‘right?’ He looked back at her and her brow was set, her lips in a tight line Again, big dramatic change in her attitude. If she's angery have her be like this the whole time . Without another word he left, the door clanging shut behind him.

‘Well, now that is over we can attempt to comprehend what actually…occurred when you vanished.’

‘I didn’t vanish. One can’t vanish from a place they haven’t been to. I don’t know what you‘re talking about - so there.’

Aware of her blatant pretentiousness, he smiled, backing her against the hallway wall. ‘I admit to being aggravated, and because of that I suggest that you stop your futile idiocy and try to use your magnificent acting skills to pretend to be reasonable.’

‘Reasonable? You cannot be serious[s]…Or you can but I can’t, one of those two[/s].’ She twisted her hair between her fingers and donned an expression of perfect innocence.

‘Well, I suppose I don’t technically need you to admit your heinous betrayal at this point. I am quite certain the others will help you recall why confession might be wise.’ His teeth were clenched and he didn’t sound like he agreed with his own opinion on the necessity of her admittance to a crime that he found so disagreeable. ‘But I’m sure if I only ever satisfied my own needs, life would be terribly droll…I want you to apologize. Or at least feel some amount of remorse, even if it does not consist of perfect contrition.’ He turned away from her, quite obviously applying a great amount of self-control to prevent himself from knocking the thoughts out of her pretty head in a violent manner.

‘I cannot feel remorse - or anything for that matter - for a crime I did not commit. And neither will I imagine I do, it simply would not be moral.’ She giggled Again, going from serious to giggling. Very strange and abrupt transition slightly, fairly certain that she would regret it. He spun around and slapped her soundly across the face.

‘I feel we are getting nowhere, do you agree? No matter, I suppose we should be getting on our way now; the road is long and your company will surely make it monumentally longer.’

‘Chane is useless, you know? He’s terrified of you, but I’m not.’ She held a cold hand to her burning face and looked into his dark eyes earnestly. ‘I, of course, will come along willingly. I do miss the twins, although the pleasance of their company may not make up for the discomfort of yours.’

‘Brilliant. Now come, we are leaving.’ Rain was threatening and the air was damp and icy; she shivered. A crimson Cadillac was parked just a few yards away and when they reached it he pulled the back door open and shoved her in roughly. She had resolved not to fight him, her child-like stubbornness insisting on something that would be forgotten when the next chance arose.

‘It’s terribly cold.’ He climbed in next to her and the car pulled away the curb; the driver a drab, colorful man. As they sped away he glanced behind him, grinning at her. ‘Oh, hullo, Grayson.’ She tried on a smile but it didn’t fit at all so she looked away, glaring at the man next to her.

‘Haven’t seen you in forever, sweetheart. We’ve all missed you, you know. There’s no denying that moral has been awfully low since you split.’ He turned back to the road, receiving an annoyed glance from the back seat. His hair was the most peculiar shade of mauve and Lisk leaned forward, not being able to keep herself from touching it. ‘The most spectacular color, no?’ He felt her hands in his hair and suppressed a smile, still feeling the eyes of disapproval on his back.

‘I do love it.’ She said it wistfully and then feeling his hand on her arm she let her hands fall and leaned back in her seat. ‘You are being an awful bully, Jude, I don’t much like it.’

‘Don’t recall asking you to. Or even wanting you to for that matter.’

‘Hmmm...‘ She stared at the dark ceiling of the car. ‘…colors, gods, sprites, joshuas, salt, sugar, brick, fire -’ The words comforted her and she forgot her assailant entirely - he grimaced in annoyance. How he hated his inability to make her see reality.