Hey Chaser! I saw your work has been taking up residence in the back of the green room for a while, and I was dropping by to rescue it, and hopefully help you out in the meanwhile!
I haven't read the previous instalment for this work, so I do apologise if this interferes with something I say in the review, or I fail to understand what's going on in the plot because of it.
But aside from that- let's get into it, shall we?
Virgo smiled, held the recorder to his mouth, and spoke a death sentence.
I'd advise against saying that he's going to speak before he does. This sentence would lose nothing if you wrote "Virgo smiled, and held the recorder to his mouth." instead of adding the death sentence at the end, because it just adds unnecessary padding to the story? There's no reason to say a character is about to speak and it gives you filler you don't need that serves no purpose. Maybe it's the first time you've written it like that or maybe it isn't- either way, just be aware of that.
"You know this place?"
Who is speaking in this line? Not adding dialogue tags is all right when you either have two characters in a scene or two characters who are distinctly in a conversation (whether it's because other characters are silent or they have a distinctive speech pattern that would differentiate them from anyone else), but you have at least three characters in this scene? So I don't follow who is asking this question?
I'm not sure if your references to masks are all metaphors or their literal masks, but unless they are literal (which I don't think they all are?), it gets a little excessively repetitive when you keep referring to them, especially in such a short chapter. Repetition should really only exist to keep consistency up, and it should be kept at a minimal, and the amount of times the word "mask" is used in this chapter is noticeable and a bit obnoxious.
The way you divide up your dialogue got a little bit confusing? I like to generally stick with the rule that if separate characters are speaking, it's put on different lines. But, for example, at the end here:
Virgo’s head rolled back, eyes fluttering. “I pledged to be killed by one Leonard Slott. But according to you, Leonard Slott doesn’t exist. He won’t exist to the Court, either, unless you make him real. So maybe Officer Danton wins out in the end; you’ll be taking me alive. But if you choose the court of Scamelot, well.”
He smiled weakly. “My neck waits only for you.”
I think this is Virgo speaking both times? The second line is so short I would have just attached it to the last paragraph, because it doesn't make sense to separate it in this instance, you know?
So I'm sure this is just confusion because I haven't read the last chapter, but if Danton is trying to use an alias (Leonard Slott?), then why does he use the same last name that he already has (unless his name isn't Danton Slott and Virgo was only calling him that because of his alias?). Again, this question may be entirely pointless because I don't understand the plot from not reading the last chapter.
I do like the way you write dialogue, however, and it definitely leaves a lot up to question (what kind of heir is Virgo to what kingdom? that could imply a lot of things and I like that it's just, left up in the air. why does Virgo gamble with his life so freely? etc) and it suits the kind of novel you seem to be writing.
Following up with that, your writing style is clean and easy to follow. Because, however, I am a description fiend and nobody can escape my claws, I would have liked a little more in the way of description? It's not bad the way you've written it, but it's still kind of the bare minimum. The description of the plane was good, but the interior was a little more vague, as was wherever they were in the beginning. I also wish we would have gotten some insight into how Danton was feeling? Because there's very very little in the way of describing how he feels or how he reacts to anything, which is kind of undesirable in a main character if you never know how they're feeling.
Anyway! That's all I have for you today! Keep up the good work If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to let me know!
I hope you're having a wonderful time!
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