z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Crooked Island - Chapter Two

by Chaser


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The seven of us were chartered to fly in four separate airplanes, sent across the globe as they circled towards our destination. Virgo and I were the first to go. Before we left, he ordered the black-suited man to search my person, taking my gun and wire. Virgo smiled, held the recorder to his mouth, and spoke a death sentence.

“I, Arthur Virgo, give full consent to be killed by one Leonard Slott at the moment of his discretion.”

He pressed it back into my hand and smiled wordlessly, walking out of the building’s lobby to the airfield.

I turned to Mendoza, who was staring at the recorder with a mystified look. “He set his life as collateral,” he said, looking after Virgo. “He really does know the ways of La Guarida.”

“You know this place?”

“Only heard about it, from friends of friends.” Mendoza scratched his chin. “Assholes, actually. Left me holding the bag while they pranced off to paradise. But you know? Once they left, I never saw them again.”

He nodded to the black-suited man, who brushed past me awkwardly as they headed back downstairs. Clutching Virgo’s death sentence in my hand, I made my way out to the airplane and got my first look at the world I was entering.

The airplane was a generic craft from the outside, painted uniform white and of unremarkable shape. The windows were tinted pitch-black, the wings lying low outside our secluded corporate lair. Despite all these efforts to erase its identity, the plane’s name had been painted next to the door: Hopeful Abandon.

A figure in a black trenchcoat stood beneath the fuselage, discreetly checking its landing gear. They looked up as I approached, revealing a mask like a cubist painting. Beneath the cloak, there was no breath, no humanizing motion. They were oppressively faceless, an appendage of the thieves’ paradise.

“I wouldn’t bother talking to them.” Virgo was leaning out the door, hanging on the frame like an albatross in flight. He smiled down at me as I climbed the short ladder. “The court of Scamelot has many ways to keep itself secret. I doubt even our pilot really knows where they’re going.”

The pilot looked up at us, mask unreadable. “Anyways, come in,” Virgo said to me, gesturing to the private cabin. “It’s all warmed up for us.”

I entered, and Virgo shut the door behind me as the pilot climbed into the cockpit, presumably from a different door. Other than those, there seemed to be no reliable way in or out of the airplane. The lounge was equipped only with two bolted chairs and a coffee table. Safety gear was absent as well; when I asked Virgo, he shrugged and told me, “In such luxury, we won’t need it.”

The plane took off steadily with minimal incline; the wine barely moved in Virgo’s glass as he studied its reflection.

“Mendoza seemed impressed, didn’t he?” he said.

“Looks like wagering your life makes crooks popular,” I noted.

Virgo laughed. “It does immensely. Adds a dangerous flavor that you don’t often see in white-collar crime.”

“Is that why you’re going?” I asked, leaning forward. “Or are you meeting someone?”

“You’re trying to interrogate me?” he asked, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Mr. Slott, I’d thought you more courteous.”

“My name is Danton,” I retorted.

He leaned forward, eyes wide. “And my name is Arthur Virgo, but you don’t think anything of that, do you? You think it’s just another alias for the most evil businessman in the world. But,” he declared, pointing while swishing his wine confidently, “you can learn a lot about a person from the mask they craft for themselves.”

“You saying that is a mask in itself,” I countered. “You wear that wine like a suit, but it can’t cover up the garbage on your breath.”

Virgo stopped swishing. “What poetry,” he scoffed. “Then let me tell you one thing about masks, Mr. Danton: Yours is inside-out.”

We glared at each other from across the coffee table; Virgo looked away first, but it looked more devious than defeated.

“I should mention,” he said quietly, “that the cabin administers a sleeping gas to the people inside it.”

I surged upwards to try and grab him, but toppled to the side in a daze. Virgo chuckled. “Relax,” he said, wine spilling from the glass as his arm went slack, “It’s affecting me too.”

Virgo smirked as I pushed myself back upright. “I enjoy people being stripped of power like this. It lets them talk honestly.”

“Then talk,” I grunted. “Who are you, really?”

“An heir to a great kingdom,” Virgo replied. “But if I were you, I’d be more concerned with who you are now.”

“What?”

Virgo’s head rolled back, eyes fluttering. “I pledged to be killed by one Leonard Slott. But according to you, Leonard Slott doesn’t exist. He won’t exist to the Court, either, unless you make him real. So maybe Officer Danton wins out in the end; you’ll be taking me alive. But if you choose the court of Scamelot, well.”

He smiled weakly. “My neck waits only for you.”

It was that smile that blurred into my head as the gas sealed me over.


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Thu Feb 21, 2019 7:35 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Chaser! I saw your work has been taking up residence in the back of the green room for a while, and I was dropping by to rescue it, and hopefully help you out in the meanwhile!


I haven't read the previous instalment for this work, so I do apologise if this interferes with something I say in the review, or I fail to understand what's going on in the plot because of it.

But aside from that- let's get into it, shall we?


Virgo smiled, held the recorder to his mouth, and spoke a death sentence.


I'd advise against saying that he's going to speak before he does. This sentence would lose nothing if you wrote "Virgo smiled, and held the recorder to his mouth." instead of adding the death sentence at the end, because it just adds unnecessary padding to the story? There's no reason to say a character is about to speak and it gives you filler you don't need that serves no purpose. Maybe it's the first time you've written it like that or maybe it isn't- either way, just be aware of that.

"You know this place?"


Who is speaking in this line? Not adding dialogue tags is all right when you either have two characters in a scene or two characters who are distinctly in a conversation (whether it's because other characters are silent or they have a distinctive speech pattern that would differentiate them from anyone else), but you have at least three characters in this scene? So I don't follow who is asking this question?


I'm not sure if your references to masks are all metaphors or their literal masks, but unless they are literal (which I don't think they all are?), it gets a little excessively repetitive when you keep referring to them, especially in such a short chapter. Repetition should really only exist to keep consistency up, and it should be kept at a minimal, and the amount of times the word "mask" is used in this chapter is noticeable and a bit obnoxious.


The way you divide up your dialogue got a little bit confusing? I like to generally stick with the rule that if separate characters are speaking, it's put on different lines. But, for example, at the end here:

Virgo’s head rolled back, eyes fluttering. “I pledged to be killed by one Leonard Slott. But according to you, Leonard Slott doesn’t exist. He won’t exist to the Court, either, unless you make him real. So maybe Officer Danton wins out in the end; you’ll be taking me alive. But if you choose the court of Scamelot, well.”

He smiled weakly. “My neck waits only for you.”


I think this is Virgo speaking both times? The second line is so short I would have just attached it to the last paragraph, because it doesn't make sense to separate it in this instance, you know?


So I'm sure this is just confusion because I haven't read the last chapter, but if Danton is trying to use an alias (Leonard Slott?), then why does he use the same last name that he already has (unless his name isn't Danton Slott and Virgo was only calling him that because of his alias?). Again, this question may be entirely pointless because I don't understand the plot from not reading the last chapter.


I do like the way you write dialogue, however, and it definitely leaves a lot up to question (what kind of heir is Virgo to what kingdom? that could imply a lot of things and I like that it's just, left up in the air. why does Virgo gamble with his life so freely? etc) and it suits the kind of novel you seem to be writing.

Following up with that, your writing style is clean and easy to follow. Because, however, I am a description fiend and nobody can escape my claws, I would have liked a little more in the way of description? It's not bad the way you've written it, but it's still kind of the bare minimum. The description of the plane was good, but the interior was a little more vague, as was wherever they were in the beginning. I also wish we would have gotten some insight into how Danton was feeling? Because there's very very little in the way of describing how he feels or how he reacts to anything, which is kind of undesirable in a main character if you never know how they're feeling.


Anyway! That's all I have for you today! Keep up the good work :) If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to let me know!

I hope you're having a wonderful time!




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Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:35 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey again Chaser! I'm back to tackle this chapter :)

“You wear that wine like a suit, but it can’t cover up the garbage on your breath.”
This seems so close, yet so far, from the perfect roast. If you're implying that what Virgo says is meaningless, then I would say something like "the garbage coming out of your breath", but if you just mean that his breath smells, then this metaphor seems like a bit of a stretch.

“I should mention,” he said quietly, “that the cabin administers a sleeping gas to the people inside it.”

I surged upwards to try and grab him, but toppled to the side in a daze. Virgo chuckled. “Relax,” he said, wine spilling from the glass as his arm went slack, “It’s affecting me too.”
This section raised a few questions. First, if Danton is a secret agent, shouldn't he be more cautious than this, or at least be able to recognize the symptoms of sleeping gas? And secondly, why would Virgo allow himself to be poisoned? He could have orchestrated it so that he wouldn't be exposed to the sleeping gas, or slipped something in Danton's wine, or any other method so that he wouldn't be put in a vulnerable question.

While I really enjoy Virgo's character, I'm still not understanding why he's willing to risk his life so easily. He seems narcissistic from what I know of his actions, or at the very least self-centered, and certainly not in a position where he would want to be throwing his life around. He has everything to gain from this scam that he has pulled, and considering how he could have already had Danton killed, the way he is behaving doesn't make logical sense.

Also, the way that the entire trip is orchestrated makes it seem like they're journeying to a forbidden place, and it honestly seems excessive. I get that these businessmen have plenty of money to throw around, but taking a series of connecting flights doesn't make sense unless they're going somewhere where they don't want to be followed, in which case it doesn't make sense to have a known federal agent onboard their flight. I'm still having difficulty following the plot and understanding the motivations of each character, considering they behave counter-intuitively to what I know about them from reading the first two chapters. I feel like I'm missing a chunk of this story here, even though I started from chapter 1 just like the rest of your readers.

I also didn't really understand Virgo's "permission to be killed" segment. It certainly seemed planned, but I didn't see how it benefited Virgo. It doesn't seem like a very super-villain thing to just give your life away, and Danton's lack of reaction also puzzled me. It seems out-of-the-ordinary, which isn't necessarily a bad thing by any means, but I feel that it does warrant more explanation than what you gave it.

Overall, however, the banter between Danton and Virgo was enjoyable, and their war of words was certainly entertaining. I enjoyed seeing a bit more of Virgo being revealed, and the advancement of the plot through the sleeping gas. There are still several plot points that I don't fully understand, so clarification on those points would definitely help clear up some of the confusion. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors!

~MJTucker





If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn