"Gargoyles are, without a doubt, the most tragic beings in existence. Spending your life spewing filthy rainwater from your maw, and what do you have in return for it? Getting treated like a bloody abomination, that's what," Jack mused.
The boy sitting beside him spoke. "Are you going somewhere with this?"
Jack smiled. "They're kind of like us, right? I mean, it's our job to watch over this fair city." The two boys were seated upon a rooftop, their legs dangling over the edge. And before them was London, tucked snugly beneath the indigo blanket of night. The sky was devoid of light, but thousands of stars shone up from the bustling city streets below.
Jack tossed a pebble from the roof, watching it fall to the earth below. "But they'd prefer not to acknowledge us, really. It's not fair. I'll be the first Jack in our line not to become a legend. What would Grandfather say if I ended up like that?"
"He would say it would be better than following in Father's footsteps." The other boy looked at Jack knowingly.
Jack sighed. "You don't know what it's like, Scott. Having to uphold the legacy of Jack? It's excruciating. I mean, what am I even supposed to be?"
Scott stood up, his loose shirt billowing in the cold wind. "I thought we established that already, Jack. You're a superhero."
Grinning, Jack picked himself up. "I suppose that's true, little brother. Alright, I'm convinced." Posing at the edge of the roof, he pointed a finger toward the horizon. "Now, let's rob that museum!"
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy....well, this is off to an intriguing start to say the least...there's definitely a lot going on here behind the scenes of this first part, and it certainly sounds like something I would read...but hmm, let's get into a few more details down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That sounds like a subtle meta burn right there and I am all for it, but at any rate, well, this is one of the more interesting conversations that I've seen a story get started with here, although there is the issue that it sounds quite generic, there's nothing to unique to immediately get our attention besides perhaps a sense of camaraderie between the two characters here.
Hmm, watching over a city, well, that's definitely very intriguing there...certainly something that I would like to read about, its very interesting how they compare just standing there and guarding in what I assume is secret to a gargoyle that's treated horribly. I wonder if they're perhaps not too happy to be doing the guarding that they are currently doing.
Okay...that's definitely interesting, there's a legacy around the name Jack somehow involving legends of some sort...I am sensing quite a bit of worldbuilding built around this particular story judging off of that particular paragraph...well this continues to be more and more intriguing here as we go on.
Hmm, well I'm guessing there's something the father did that did not uphold this actual legacy, and now he potentially has to bear the burden of all of that combined somehow. Well, even more things being added to the mix here as we go.
Okay, well, this is a really fun way to introduce who this is through that casual conversation, now that's an example of exposition done without it sounding forced or like a history lesson.
Well, that's...interesting, its not too often you hear that someone is a superhero and they immediately declare that they are about to then go rob a museum...unless of course that's specifically to throw us off in some way and they mean something else...so...well, certainly a fun spot to end this first chapter on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty intriguing start that you've got here...certainly makes you ask a lot of questions this one. Anyway, that's all I've gotta say for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm laughing right now because this is really good for a piece where nobody, including the writer, knows what exactly is going on. The imagery is very, very beautiful, as it usually is in your pieces. And there's not too much imagery to the point where it overshadows the dialogue or characters or bores the reader--it's just the right amount.
"Gargoyles are, without a doubt, the most tragic beings in existence."---That is such a good beginning sentence. If I picked up a book at the store and read that, I'd buy the book straight away.
When Jack tells the other boy that they are kind of like gargoyles, this intrigues the reader. What makes these two boys like the "most tragic beings in existence"? And then he explains that it is their "job" to watch over London. What "job" requires them to watch over London? This also makes readers wonder.
"And before them was London, tucked snugly beneath the indigo blanket of night."---I like this description. It's simple, yet pretty, and easy to see.
"...but thousands of stars shone up from the bustling city streets below."---At first when I read this, I thought that you made a mistake (with stars shining from below), but I read back over it, and realized that the stars were the lights in the buildings, and I think that that is a very clever and nice description.
Wonder and suspense is raised by the conversation between Jack and Scott as they discuss how Jack will be the first Jack in the family line that isn't legendary, and how their father has not turned out so well. You pulled me into the story with simple dialogue. Nicely done.
Lastly, I frankly have no idea what's going on in those last couple of lines, but by the sound of your description for the story, neither do you. You're not the only one who just writes down a random story--I'll just start writing gibberish about melancholia and colors and have no idea where it's going.
Good luck, and keep writing!
I like the character "Jack" and how you made me able to get a feel of who he is. Right now I got some feel who this guy is, because obviously it's the beginning of the story. I like it so far I think I would like to read more about this "Jack". Also this is my first review I'll get better at writing them.
I'm already hooked by the fact gargoyles are in the first sentence, nice job!
I kind of have a love/hate relationship with your dialogue tags, I mostly dislike dialogue tags, but I like the dialogue tags you used.
I love the wording you used, I already like the Jack character. You just swallowed me into the story so quickly.
The wording was simple and to the point, the characters were fun to see interact, it's just, I like.
It would be nice to explain more about Jack, I don't know if he's also a kid or an old man!
I like the way you ended off the chapter with them going to rob the museum, and I'm intrigued, I usually don't read this type of stuff, but the way it's written is just, beautiful and the characters. I can usually never imagine the atmosphere and the characters, but the way you described everything I can see what's going on!
This is like a movie in my head, I like the fact that Jack wants to be legendary, he wants to do something, you've explained his motives well in the first chapter, it doesn't really need to be re-established to me later on.
All I can say is, GIVE ME MORE!
Hello Chaser,
First off good descriptions. I like the metephors and I think it drew a pretty good picture without making me think I've read this phrase a million times before.
For example:
"And before them was London, tucked snugly beneath the indigo blanket of night. The sky was devoid of light, but thousands of stars shone up from the bustling city streets below."
A nitpick though, London is a place with a lot of light I assume so wouldn't be harder to see stars if you could see them at all. I never been there, to be honest, but going by that logic of in the countires you can see starts much better than cities because of the lights.
Not much to say it was pretty short. It seemed more like a prolog than a chapter but it had a very interesting ending. I want to continue reading it. A superhero who robs banks. Huh?
Well that is all keep on writing.
Redbox275
Alright, first review. Um... Not really sure how to go about this.
Let's see...
You've got good imagery, I really like that, imagery is good. Good imagery is great. The apparent concept of every Jack in this bloodline becoming legendary is quite interesting as well, "the legacy of Jack".
I'm not really sure what else to say about this... Sorry, first review. Hopefully they'll get better as I go along.
I liked this, good start, and I look forward to checking out some of your other works.
--Knee