“Brotherhood isn’t a just a word. It is the total dedication to each other and not just when it convenience you. Many say it but very few live it” This was always the case for all of us. Blood didn’t have to link us. Our stories did.
And this is mine.
February the 7th, Washington DC, USA.
I was only five years old. I was in my room playing with my Star Wars action figure when I heard screams, followed by two loud bangs. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. I dropped my toy onto the floor and froze in shock. Curiosity kills the cat, dad always said. But cats have nine lives. I slowly stood up and walked out my bedroom and paused on the top stair, scared and traumatized by the deathly screams which rang in my ears. I run my finger through my hair and give a quiet whisper.
“Mommy?”
No answer. I crept down the stairs, passing the family photos which hung on the wall. I reached the bottom then froze at the sight of the kitchen light shining through the small space between the wall and the door. My head was turning.
“Dad?”
I finally decided to go investigate. I quietly tiptoe around the couches in the living room until I reached the kitchen door. My hands were shaking endlessly. I slowly pushed the door open enough to peak my head through. I suddenly lost my breath at the sight and struggled to get it back. I couldn't move. There were my beloved parents dead on the floor. Blood, so damn much. The blood almost flooded the entire floor. Dad's glasses were next to his body. Blood on the one lense. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, it was as if my life had been suck right out of me. All i could do was stare at dad’s neck which oozed out bloody like a forgotten tap, or maybe mom’s pale face and white eyes which had no more light inside. Tears dropped on the floor and melded with the blood. God I felt so empty. There was pounding at the door but my legs didn't want to move. They wanted me to stare at the only family I knew on the floor. I could feel my lungs struggle for air. The door finally gave in and my house was filled with strangers in blue uniforms as well as a few neighbors. The blue strangers ran into the kitchen then stood beside me. I could feel all the eyes stuck on at me. I couldn't even see anymore. There were too many tears.
“Chris?” A familiar voice called.
I felt hands pulling me but as soon as I exited the trance I collapsed.
I woke up in a beautifully painted room. There were machines all around me. Todd, my dad's best friend, was sleeping on a chair right next to me. I thought it was a dream, a nightmare. It had to be.
“Where's mommy and daddy?” I asked.
Todd sprang up and stared at me. His eyes were bloodshot red as if he had been crying. He wiped his eyes then forced a comforting smile.
“Hey Champ, how you feeling? Good?” He asked in a shaky voice.
I nodded then stared at him as I waited for the answer to my question. I'll never forget the pain he tried to hide in his eyes.
“They'll be back soon champ, but you'll stay with me for the meanwhile,” he cried.
I guess as the years passed by, I knew they weren't coming back.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Chase7!
I found my way to this assuming it is the precursor to 'another casual day'? If not, then I apologise for digging up old work! I thought I'd leave a few brief comments while I was here.
Aw man, poor Todd! I wonder if he was lying to make the kid feel better, or if he couldn't deal with a sad kid, or if he really did just want to believe to himself that his friends would be back.
As far as openings go, this is a classic 'murdered parents, raised by best friend' origin, which makes me wonder if it's going to be some kind of superhero or vigilante story. It's well written, and a very sound way of setting up the time period and setting of the piece. The first few lines are a great hook too, because you never actually specify what kind of brotherhood it is, which means there's still no way of knowing whether this kid is going to end up as one of the good guys or the bad guys.
Hi Chase, I am very new to this (actually, this is my very first comment!), so please be patient. I did want to let you know I thought you did a great job so far with this story. Since it is in the category of fantasy, I, too, wondered if the parents would somehow come back soon as Todd mentioned. Maybe you could give a glimpse in this direction if that is the case, because you noted in the beginning about brotherhood, and I would hate for Todd and your character to have started off this relationship with a lie (if, in fact, this was the brotherhood that you were mentioning in the beginning).
Also, I noticed the second sentence sounded awkward. You wrote, "...and not just when it convenience you." You need a verb after "it", like: not just when it is convenient for you or ...and not just at your convenience."
But I really like your writing style, as the piece immediately drew my attention! Good job! Keep going!!
Hey,
I read this piece to the end so felt I should drop a comment.
I noticed that you switched from past to present tense a few times, easily fixed. For example this sentence was a switch to present tense:
Something that was off putting was that the main character seems to be recanting this story from later in life and is therefore using phraseology and vocabulary I wouldn’t normally associate with a five year old. I felt that detracted from the potential impact this scene could have had if it were told from the true perspective of a five year old.
I liked the descriptions of the dead bodies, like the lack of light in the mother’s eyes etc. I think you’ve got a good imagination to this extent and this came across in your descriptions.
I’m wondering the intent behind Todd telling Chris that his parents will be back soon. I’m not sure if you intended this, but for me that sort of hinted at the potential supernatural elements upcoming in the story, rather than something offhand an adult would tell a newly orphaned child.
I wonder what happens next.
-Zoom
Thanks for the reply, really appreciated it.
I just wanted to better clarify Todd's reasons for telling Chris that his parents will be back for other reviewers. Todd tells Chris that his parents will be back soon because he didn't know how could tell him that his parents died so he rather wanted to lie and act as if they were away for sometime.
But thanks really for your review
Chase
Hi Chase, I am very new to this (actually, this is my very first comment!), so please be patient. I did want to let you know I thought you did a great job so far with this story. Since it is in the category of fantasy, I, too, wondered if the parents would somehow come back soon as Todd mentioned. Maybe you could give a glimpse in this direction if that is the case, because you noted in the beginning about brotherhood, and I would hate for Todd and your character to have started off this relationship with a lie (if, in fact, this was the brotherhood that you were mentioning in the beginning).
Also, I noticed the second sentence sounded awkward. You wrote, "...and not just when it convenience you." You need a verb after "it", like: not just when it is convenient for you or ...and not just at your convenience."
But I really like your writing style, as the piece immediately drew my attention! Good job! Keep going!!
Thanks for the feedback:)