I was startled awake by the Nightmare. It was the same one that has plagued me since I was 10. It had been almost 7 years since the murders, but it was still fresh in my thoughts.
The sun filtered through my window. I got out of my four poster bed, and stood in front of it. The view from here was different from the view of my old house. From here, I could see the woods and the stream that runs across our land. The view from my old room was that of a dirt road and the chicken barn. Needless to say that this one was much better.
I turned at the sound of the door opening. Flora, my maid, stepped in with care. She curtsied, and said, "Milady, I did not realize you were up."
I smiled at her. "It is alright, Flora. I think I will go riding today. What do you think about it?"
"I am not really suppose to say. It is not right, milady." She kept her head down and stared at her feet. Flora was new and obviously didn't understand that this wasn't an ordinary house, and I wasn't an ordinary master.
I walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She winced as though I was going to hit her. "Flora, I don't know what happened where you worked previously, but I value your opinion. Don't be afraid to be honest and open, alright?" She nodded and looked at me. "Now what do you think?"
Smiling, she responded, "I think its a perfect day for riding."
"Alright then."
***
I dressed, with the help of Flora, in a dark green dress that didn't have a lot of fancy designs. It was simple and easy enough to ride in. I skipped breakfast but said hello to Helena and Beatrix, the cook and another maid, before I left.
Beatrix, being the mothering figure she is, asked what I was going to be up to. "It's just riding, Beatrix. Nothing exciting." She gave me the look that she thought it wasn't nothing.
I got outside and breathed in the fresh air. I needed to go. I ran to the stables and retrieved my horse, Sugar. Soon I was riding towards the woods. The woods were a peaceful place. I liked going there a lot after the murders. I would sit and think about everything.
When I was turned fifteen, I found a little carriage house set deep into the woods. It was run down and a strong gust of wind could probably blow it over. Luckily, I found some scrap wood and help in the neighbor boy, and we fixed it up good as new. Of course, we never told anybody about it. It was our little secret.
It's also where I keep my bow and arrows. When I was 5, my father told me that I needed some way to protect myself. He said that some men will throw themselves at my feet, but some men will use their force upon you. "You have to know how to protect yourself." So he taught me how to fight with swords, knifes, spears, fists, and my favourite, the bow and arrow.
I kept my equipment in the carriage house because Beatrix doesn't like the idea of weapons in the house, especially when Aidan comes over. Aidan is her 7 year old boy who is possibly the sweetest guy around. I love it when he comes because we have so much fun, but he does like to fancy himself as the estate's protector. I understood where she is coming from. She did say I could teach him one day.
I rode up on the house, and saw another horse there. Allcott was here. I tied Sugar to post we built, and went inside. The inside was amazing. It had mismatched furniture, basically whatever we could find that nobody would miss, and several different decorations.
"Allcott? Where are you?" I asked as I walked past the front parlor.
"In here, love." I walked into the kitchen part of the areaand saw Allcott painting by the window.
"Hello." I kissed his cheek as I saw what he was painting. It was a beautiful potrait of some flowers I had found. "How are you today?"
"Fine, Fine. What about you? Are you here for your bow?" He asked never looking up from his painting.
"Yes. I thought I might pratice a little before Sarah's guests arrive." Although I'd rather shoot them with the bow and arrow. I hated when Sarah tried to set me up with callers. She's been trying to marry me off, not for her personal gain, but for mine. She doesn't want me to be alone the rest of my life, and I understand that. I'm just not ready to settle down.
Allcott chuckled at my statement and I swatted him on the head for it. He turned his grin on me and it lit up his whole face. Allcott was no doubt one of the most gorgeous gentlemen around, girls swooned at his feet. That's even before they consider he's one of the most eligible bachelors in the county.
"Who is it this time?" He asked as he resumed his painting.
"Lords Lovegood and Renway. They are friends, apparently. I do not think I wish to meet them honestly."
At this he cocked his head toward me, "And why is this?"
I leaned against the wall and looked at him. "I have heard they are two of the biggest flirts, not to mention arrogant. You know I do not like arrogant people."
"Yes I know. I probably know better than anyone." I walked over to the wall and took down my bow and the quiver full of arrows.
"Anyways I better-" A scream piercing the air stopped me in mid sentence. I looked at Allcott, then ran out the door.
I threw my quiver across my chest and ran with my bow in hand. I heard the scream again and started running harder. I heard leaves crunch behind me and realized that Allcott must have followed me out. The scream was feminine. It actually sounded like a little girl screaming. That only made me run harder.
I finally saw them through the trees. There were five or six men. And a little girl in front of them. She was tied and now gagged. The sight made me sick. I took my place behind a tree and turned to Allcott, making a gesture to get behind them. I then unleashed the arrows.
The first one I shot hit the man holding the girl in the neck. He let her go and she fell to the ground. I then took out two more men while Allcott took out the two that were running. The only one left was the man fixing a pistol at the girl. I shot him straight through the heart. I ran out of the safety of the trees and went to the little girl who was sobbing on the ground.
I knelt down to her side. I lifted her into my arms and removed her gag. She looked at me with terrified eyes. "Are you gonna kill me too?"
"No, no, of course not. We're not going to hurt you at all." She turned into my chest and cried her big blue eyes out. I made calming noises and rocked her.
Allcott came back then holding my arrows. He then looked at the bundle in my arms. "Who is she?"
I looked up at him. "I don't know."
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128,452 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Salutations, CharlotteGrace. Pan is here to cook up a review for you (I'm sorry, I start all my reviews with bad puns).
Soo, I went back and read your prologue, and I believe that this first chapter is a step forward. The plot has taken a turn that makes it less cliché, so I'm slightly more intrigued now. I'm getting more of a sense of Olivia's character and the setting, and that's a good thing.
However, that's not to say I don't have one or two issues with it. Here's my Pair of Problems:
1) What time period is this? The way Olivia and the other characters talk suggests that it's set a century or more ago, as does the fact that she has people attempting to marry her off at a young age. But then there's this:
Anyways? Did people from centuries back really say 'anyways'? I could be wrong, but it seems to me like a modern turn of speech. I would suggest you change it, unless I'm wrong about the time period, in which case you'd need to establish more clearly that it was set around the present day.
2) Show v.s Tell. I take it you've heard of this device (I think a reviewer of your prologue mentioned it, actually), but if you haven't, here's a brief explanation: the show v.s tell technique is basically where you convey emotions, feelings and general happenings by way of language features rather than actively telling us about them. You still aren't using it, and that means that all of your MC's emotion seems rather synthetic. Let's look at this quote here to illustrate my point:
I've a couple of issues with this. Firstly, you're too exact in your information. You would create far more effect if, instead of telling us exactly how old she is, and how many years she had been plagued by nightmares for, you were vague about it. Saying something like 'I can't remember the last time I had made it through the night without reliving the horrors of my past' would give us more of a sense of how unrelenting these nightmares seem to her. You're writing in first person, you've got the opportunity to get into her head, so do it!
Secondly, even though Olivia has presumably just stirred from a very distressing nightmare, the paragraph that follows her telling us this does not reflect her feelings about it at all. You just talk about her getting out of bed and the view from her window. It isn't vital information, and doesn't link to what you have just said at all really.
Here's how I would write it:
I was startled awake by the nightmare. It was the same one again. It was always the same one; I can't remember the last time I made it through the night without reliving the horrors of my past.
The sun filtered through my window. I heaved myself out of bed and shuffled over to it, my heart pounding and body uncomfortably hot. I stared out through the glass, fragments of the nightmare still flickering against my eyelids, and tried to focus on something - anything - else. The view here was different from that of my old home. From here, I could see the woods and the stream - a far more picturesque sight than the dirt road and chicken barn that greeted me at my old room's window.
Something like that. It could be better, but you can see how it flows more neatly and gives us a greater sense of what she is feeling. Try to create that throughout your writing. It'll make for a much more interesting read.
(To help you with showing rather than telling, I suggest you read this excellent topic by RachaelElg. It teaches you how use verbs, specifically, to create effect).
Anyway, that's all I really have to say in terms of critiquing. Don't abandon this story, seriously, because it's got great potential - I really want to know about this girl and why she was being threatened. I just think that you need to tighten up the writing a bit more and make it flow, because that'll give life to the narration and bring it together. Listen to your critiques and take the advice, because it'll help you a lot.
I suggest you have a good read through of all the articles on the Knowledge Base forum, particularly the ones about grammar and research. They'll do your writing a lot of good. Look into developing your sentence structure and varying it, too, because that'll make the piece more interesting to read.
Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh! I might have come across as slightly vigorous there, but I really just want to help out, so feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I wish you all the best with the rest of this novel.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Good day to you! I'm here to review!
Well, it seems that you may be a Ranger Apprentice fan or you have a liking to these kind of things. I love this! It's really engaging and the plot is good as well. The main character, to me, seems so real! Great job on that!
Okay, I have noticed a few things in this. Note, I'm only trying to help you.
"I was startled awake by the Nightmare. It was the same one that has plagued me since I was 10. It had been almost 7 years since the murders, but it was still fresh in my thoughts."
First, nightmare shouldn't have a capital 'n' in it. Second, when writing numbers, it's best to write them out in worded form rather than numeral. It makes it look neater and more professional in my opinion. Unless if it's a year or such a huge, and I'm talking HUGE number, then I would suggest not to write it out the way you did.
"The sun filtered through my window. I got out of my four poster bed, and stood in front of it. The view from here was different from the view of my old house. From here, I could see the woods and the stream that runs across our land. The view from my old room was that of a dirt road and the chicken barn. Needless to say that this one was much better."
Okay, the only thing I have to say is this. It seems that you're telling me a lot of information here and you're not showing me. What I mean is that there is hardly any descriptions in here. Try adding some describing words in there and BAM! Magic~!
Alright, so that's that then. Your speech in this is great! Don't change that!
Overall, it's my kind of story I like to read! With a few tweakings, this'll be such an awesome read!
YOU SHALL HAVE A NICE DAY! (XD)
Bye!