Published February 11, 2011
You changed me completely,
made my world spin a different way.
You tied my heart down
and I can not set it free,
your name stays imprinted,
it can not be wash away,
I don't understand this feeling,
I feel it may kill me,
I fear I shall never see your face again,
what have you done to me?!
Made my thoughts panic, when I never see your name,
made me search for hope that you are still there,
you've took my heart and captured it,
it can not beat another way,
I've swallowed the thoughts and ideas,
that this may just be a dream,
What have you done to me?!
My head won't stay still,
the thoughts cloud my eyes,
of me and you
simply me and you,
the world doesn't matter,
or maybe that's me,
I feel it was meant to be.
So what have you done to me?
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Hello, my fellow love-struck peer!
Thumbs up! PM when you post more!
Your imagery and personification is superb. I simply love it. It's been a while since I've seen someone use this method, and most times it's a little overbearing... But you embraced it and used it to your advantage. Good job. The poem itself seemed a little rushed, though, but then again it could be that "What have you done to me?!" kind of panic... Feeling this kind of emotion myself, I do understand a little bit more than most people probably would, so...another thumbs up for you!
All I have to say is keep writing, and keep doing what you do best. But also look at other styles and other ways to use personification and complex sentences/phrases to capture all your other feelings in everything else you do. Nothing is better than sublime imagery - induced by personifications.
Hi Charli, Isha here and I'll be your reviewer today. ^^
When I first started reading this, I wasn't quite sure what to think about it. It seemed decent enough, it was simple and to-the-point, but, there were a few cliché moments and a bit of repetition. It also seemed a bit too blunt to really be all that powerful or thought provoking.
Obviously, you're confused and in love, but it was so easy to figure that out and described so simply that it sort of lacked a punch. Choose your emotion and then dig around your mind for some metaphors and incredible images. However, when thinking about imagery, avoid clichés as much as possible. Fresh is the way to go. (This doesn't necessarily mean use huge words that nobody understand-- your words can be as simple as they need to be. They just need to be arranged in a powerful way.)
To give you an idea of what I mean, these are a few examples of clichés that I found upon reading this:
The thought of binding a heart, or tying it up is getting to be a tad overused. As are imprints that cannot be washed away. However, the line I bolded stood out to me. There was something about that that I liked, though it could be worked to be even more powerful. In fact, all of this could be made better with a little bit of expansion. (Once again, imagery. "Show, don't tell," is a huge rule in poetry. Most of the time anyways.
The beginning of this quote is not only repetitive, but it repeats a cliché. The bit about 'swallowing thoughts' is definitely an overused description, and so is the dream assumption. (Even if the feeling is true. xD) You don't need the bit about capturing your heart, as you've all ready told us about that in stanza 1. However, the bit I bolded-- once again, that part stood out a bit. Add a little more to it, maybe throw it in the first stanza instead of the second-- and it could be another very powerful line.
The bit I underlined is a grammar mistake. The word you're looking for is 'taken'.
This is another overused description. There are so many other ways that you could have put this.
This line bugged me quite a bit. I didn't like it much at all, to be honest. Super cliché. That sounded a little harsh, but it is true. That whole 'it was meant to be' thing never rolls well with me, I'm sorry to say.
This is all ready getting long, so I'll quickly talk about the repetition. In the first stanza, you've all ready said a bit about your captured heart. Then, you say it again in the second stanza, which I found a bit annoying. It's all ready been enforced, so you don't really need to do it again. And then you're talking about your cloudy and panicking thoughts in both the second and the last stanza. You've all ready made your point about that, so once again, it doesn't really need to be repeated.
Overall, though, this was an okay poem. It was easy to read, and at least you get a feeling of the emotion. It could be turned into something a lot more powerful, though. I'd use this as a skeleton and keep building on it, keeping emotion and imagery in mind. Remember, show, don't tell.
Not bad though, and please, keep writing.
~~Cass