Published December 30, 2010
Dear diary,
I’m worrying really badly, I know I shouldn't, no actually I should. O.K. my OWLS are coming up and even though I’m home and I should be able to get some peace and study I can't. The weird thing is I can't get James Potter out of my head I mean his deep blue eyes and his silky black hair. No! I should be concentrating on my OWLS also another reason why I can't concentrate is because of my sister. She’s trying to show she was much better without me and to prove that she has brought her 'boyfriend' along to the family dinner my dad loves him of course how ever my mum turns her nose up at him. He's called Vernard when I first saw him Petunia lashed onto his arm as if to say look I did do better with out you! Any way OWLS, I have my first defence against the dark arts and Severus is no where to be seen to help me. I don't even think he came home you know...OH! I have a letter. So how am I supposed to concentrate when I am getting letters from James? Right concentration so I will have to put you down but I have so much more to write. Okay I will do that quickly now.
Okay number one I think Severus is becoming a death eater I know that’s mean to say about my best friend, but I stumbled on him and his friends they were doing dark magic but I kept my mouth shut of course! I just don't now what to do about it.
Number two, soon I will be able to do magic outside of school
And last but not least, Petunia is moving out with her boyfriend okay I know she like nineteen but she has been living off my mum and dad for ages so they have finally kicked her out. Well just helped her on her way.
Any way OWLS...
Love Lilly Evans
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
I know I did what you don't like and gave you a bunch of nitpicks. But, your grammar does need improvement. I am very happy to see you have done capital i's though! In your writing I have noticed you say 'so', 'Okay', or both at once a lot. This is bad. once or twice is O.K., but it becomes annoying when you start your sentences the same way all the time.
Also, I would like to talk about your sentence structure in general. I know this is a diary, but people don't expect it to be like one. Expanding your sentence structure would be awesome. Mix it up a bit. It is O.K. to write a one word sentence than a really long one. Yours are all medium length.
Have to go or else I would make this longer,
A. S.
P.S. Here is what a fellow YWSer said about uneeded words:
Every word must count.
If I find even one single needless word, it's out. Gone. Disappeared. Deleted. Sent away. Whatever. If it's not strong enough, I change it. If it's too abstract, I change it. If it's too definite, I change it. If it seems to have a dual meaning, I think about the two meanings it has and then change it. I go through the story, reading and rereading the way the words fit together.
"Does this word fit with this one?"
"What does this word make me think of?"
I look at the words, individually and then together in a sentence and then individually again. Then I look at in a paragraph. Then the sentence. Then the words. I go backwards and forwards, finally reading how the paragraphs connect with each other. If I don't like it, I change it.
Obsessive? Damn straight.
Actual post
Is this the summer before 5th year? OK, once again, Lily has to tell the reader why she's jumped from 3rd year to the end of 4th...
I love the way she is slowly falling in love with James and how she is unsure about Severus' 'dark' behaviour.
Keep 'em coming is all I have to say...