"OK, so The dragons are back. So What? Can't you get them yourself? I didn't get to finish the last level of Halo yet!" Howy wasn't going to slack on me this time. "Look, get out of the house, put on your armor, get your weapons, board your craft, and stop the dragons from taking over!!"
I rolled my eyes. "O please man! Your trained too, you know!" "You owe me after last time!" He insisted. "Remember? When I saved you from that really huge Minotaur? Well, I think it's your turn, and I'm the boss." "I sighed, finally shutting off the game. "Alright already!! But you owe me big time."
"And trust me, I will pay full," He assured me." I ran down to the cellar where the Mythical creatures Vanquishing armory was stored, and prepared mine for battle. First, I grabbed my suit of armor, and then I got all my knives, my two large swords, my favorite compound bow with 40 arrows in it's quiver, and my helmet and boots for the ride. I gathered some of my lethal potions that would enable me to heal dragon inflicted wounds, though I found I didn't have as much as I would have liked. I also found some Dragon bait to lure them in, and my knapsack where I would keep it all.
Finally done with that, I ran to an inner portion of the cellar, where my final piece of equipment lay waiting; The Power Star Transport. This Golden star would float me to any place I desired. Right now, I had none, but I knew I would soon.
{To Continue Later...} (Post what you think so far. It's not one of my better stories)
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is interesting. Given the context of this person being in the middle of gaming there I really can't tell if this is a world where those monsters are real and they actually have somehow fought them all or if this is them arguing about something in a different game. Either way it seems like we're in for an interesting ride with the way this is starting off here.
Okayy that answered my question pretty quickly there. Wasn't expecting that to happen to be honest, but hmm this is quite the turn of events. I feel like this one gets a bit too listy there but then it is a bit of an epic suit up montage before going off to fight a dragon so you can excuse it a bit although a bit of extra description added in there to describe this armory and the variety of equipment available in it wouldn't go amiss as far as making this more interesting is concerned.
Alright well not the worst place to end off there, and well this is interesting. There's certainly a hint at a lot of cool lore hidden within all of these descriptions being carelessly tossed about and I am loving the vibes that is managing to give off here. So solid little start this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hmm... where to begin, your other reveiws have listed most of the faults, but it seemed to me that I was waching a video with the fast forward on. I understand the difficulty of putting descriptions without it seeming to drag, but i did like this passage:
In this simple senctence you showed that this person (Name would be good), is a teenager and a heavy Gamer, also that the story is set in the present (more like these please)
It seems interesting. I liked how the characters were talking casually about mythical creatures.
I have a question: Which world does this take place on? Earth itself, or merely an Earth-like planet?
I have just a few nitpicks (in bold):
Hope it helped!
Hi there. I'm Kyllorac, and I'll be reviewing you today. What I'm going to tell you may be harsh, but just keep in mind that I'm trying to help you.
Off the bat, the first thing is improper capitalization. You only capitalize words at the start of each sentence or if they are a proper noun (names of people, places, and things). Also, in writing, OK should be spelled out okay.
The next thing I notice is that you really don't know how to write dialogue technically speaking, and this makes this story very confusing. I had to read through the first paragraph several times before I finally understood that it was Howy saying the "Look, (etc.)" and not the person telling the story.
Every time a different person speaks, you start a new paragraph. If you have a dialogue tag directly following the dialogue and the spoken sentence ends in a period, you switch the period to a comma and do not capitalize the first letter of the tag (unless it's a name). For example: "I like pie," the person said.
You also have a lot of grammar errors. I spotted one "your" that should be "you're" and multiple run-on sentences. Also, you ether use one exclamation point (!) or three; never two. You don't see double periods (.), do you?
Grammar aside, you do a lot of what is called "telling" -- that is, you tell us just what happens and not why or how it happens. This makes for very dull reading. You need to add more description and thus "show" the readers what is happening.
For instance, the very simple statement "I bought an apple" could become an entire story by describing what you did, how you did it, who was involved, what they looked like, what they did, where you went, and what that place looked like. Reading or hearing about the runaway shopping cart that nearly ran you over in the parking lot while you went to buy the apple is much more interesting than just reading/listening to "I went to the store and bought an apple. End of story."
Because you do not have any description, I have no idea where the story is taking place, who the characters are, what they look like, or what they were doing before/during the conversation. This makes it a bit difficult to care about what happens next.
Other than the grammar issues and lack of description, I do like the story premise. The title and the little summary caught my attention, which was great. It's just that, in its current state, this story doesn't deliver any of the entertainment I was hoping for.
In short: review the rules of grammar (in regards to dialogue especially) and add description. This will really make your story so much better.