Endless

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

As It has been stated by a friend quite dear to my heart; "life can be compared to an ocean." He said no more, and now he is quite gone. Of course, being as I am a memory hog; this phrase had left itself embedded within my very being: subjecting itself to all bitter ends for just the simplest of satisfaction.

At most; I attempt at full contemplation; and the knowledge at the time had little value. I would take it like fools gold; but I knew he had found a gold vein; if not the nugget of a lifetime. I could never have known then what I know now. Chiefly; that all he really meant was for me to save the world.

From what? Surely I have justified your curiosity to this point. Why would you read on be it not as I should think? As I should hope? Will you not humor this old man, who's fingers now crust at the tips, and who's eyes have seen it's age worth of troubles? Indeed, it may not yet have ended. I than shall leave you with one parting remark; and with this shall lay myself to rest.

Well . . . I must say I agree with the others. I know that you said this is only a part of the introduction, but the sentences don't fit with each other. They just don't make sense. They don't form any mental pictures in my head. Its like just some random babbling. You should reread it and maybe make it a bit longer and add many things that would help the reader grasp what you are trying to say. I'm really sorry if that sounded harsh, but you should really work on this.

Keep writing! I know that writing is very hard, believe me, I know that from experience.

This didn't work for me. There was absolutely no picture painted in my head. I actually have trouble telling what this is about but that might be just me. The only time I ever had a mental image was in the faint description of the old man. Perhaps you should think of an idea that you are really excited to get onto paper. If you are excited about a piece, everyone else will see that too. Or, maybe it was too short for its own good. Either way, this really needs some work. Sorry if this seems harsh.

I agree with the previous post.

The sentences may appear next to each other but they don't eem to paint a picture like the introduction should do you know? It is clear you can as the sentences on there own appear ok to me, now just write them out so they describe what your trying to covey

I read the whole thing and I can only say that it needs to be cleaned up a bit. It seemed to me to be just a pile of sentences ment to intrigue the mind, but since there so jumbled up I can't seem to figure out what happened. This should be properly reviewed for this to work (god knows that autocorrect in microsoft word can't fix a thing).

Reccomendations - You might want to cut down on the amount of semicolons. You can use commas for that kind of stuff. Contractions for some of the words would also be ideal since we're talking about a young adult novel.

As It [Why is It capitalized?] has been stated by a friend quite dear to my heart; "life can be compared to an ocean." [I think it should read like this: ...quite dear to my heart: Life can be compared to an ocean] He said no more, and now he is quite [You just used quite. Avoid repetition] gone. Of course, being as I am a memory hog [Odd phrasing, especially for the tone you've already set. Try something like ...as I have a sharp memory]; this phrase had left itself [Substitute was in place of had left itself. Already it looks like you have a habit of overexplaining things] embedded within my very being: [Semi-colon instead] subjecting itself to all bitter ends for just the simplest of satisfaction.

You never finished the ocean thought. What does that quote have to do with the story? The character? The plot? It's good as a hook, but you just left it hanging there.

At most; [Comma instead] I attempt at full contemplation; [Comma] and the knowledge at the time had little value. I would take it like fools gold; but I knew he had found a gold vein; if not the nugget of a lifetime [Okay, I don't understand what you're even trying to say. Do you? Because, honestly, I have to wonder]. I could never have known then what I know now. Chiefly; that all he really meant was for me to save the world.

You use semi-colons far too much, not enough commas, and your punctuation is just off in general. There are thousands of websites that help and give advice for punctuation. Take a few minutes to check a few out.


From what? Surely I have justified your curiosity to this point. Why would you read on be it not as I should think? As I should hope? Will you not humor this old man, who's [Whose, not who's] fingers now crust at the tips, and who's [Whose] eyes have seen it's age worth of troubles? [This sentence is off. Should read something like: Whose eyes have seen ages worth of trouble?] Indeed, it may not yet have ended. I than [If you have to use this, then use THEN] shall leave you with one parting remark; [NO semi-colon.] and with this shall lay myself to rest.

Uh... what was the parting remark? There wasn't one.


(That's part of an intro. I want to know if it's a good beginning for a story. The rest of the story shall be added when I can: I have no time now.)

Well, I hardly understood a word of it, and I've read my fair share of heavy literature. Try rereading what you've written, often. As for a beginning - if I could understand it - it was... mediocre. There was nothing particularly gripping about it, and it could use description, diologue, or something MORE. As it is, it's all telling. I have no interest, honestly.