Young Writers Society

More love poems. I like it, again.

You did a good job with the language. I think the rhyme is sort of getting in your way again here. You really flourished without the rhyme scheme in the acrostic. It gave you the space to work and you didn't have to force the language at all. Here you can see a couple places where it's forced like "true" and "through" because that stops awkwardly, and also oh my god, end stops, ugh. That's always bothersome to me. The rhyme will rhyme even if you don't tell it to. You don't have to stop at a rhyme. They are going to pick up on the sounds because it rhymes, that's enough of a stop.

That being said the other place you might want to check is "other" because you don't seem to have a rhyme with it?

Basically I would suggest re-vamping this poem and hiding the rhymes internally like you have some of them in here. If you do that you're going to keep the rhymes, but you're going to get a better flow because right now the rhymes are really blocking up the flow, along with the punctuation making problems. The more you loosen things up, the easier this is going to read and the quicker it is going to go. You have a good syncopation for the song, your beat is good and solid, but the flow is halty because of the rhymes and punctuation. Taking out the rhymes at the end by breaking up the lines differently, and moving the punctuation [re-moving a lot of it] will really free that up. You're going to end up with a much better finished product because people will be able to look at it for why she's named Tomato and you will have an opportunity to really hint at why she is nicknamed Tomato. You won't have to deal with only words that rhyme.

I really like the whole "kill to kiss" the alliteration in that is cute especially with that juxtaposition. Good job.

Aley

Dear Charizard821,

To be honest I have your full username Memorized now. I have fallen in love with your poetry and this one just made me fall even harder. The only problem I have is that you didn't include your nickname. Mind me asking, why is that? I mean Mr.Vegetable let us know what green you are.

Sincerely Honest
The Truth

I will be reviewing this when I get a chance

This is cute.

Honestly, though, I kind of hate that the narrator calls this girl his tomato. First of all, I, too, am of the blushing variety, and it irks me whenever anyone calls me a tomato. Secondly, if you're going to name the poem after the tomato, you should probably talk more about the tomato than the love that the narrator and the tomato might possibly share.

See, the readers don't know if you don't talk about the person in the love poem. If you talk about love, readers don't know if it's true, but they can see your love for the person if you talk about them. So here's my advice: talk about Ms. Tomato, and see how your poem turns out then.

Also, don't call her a Tomato.

Our love is an endless hole,

But this may not be true,

For when I speak of falling through,

I'm simply falling for you.

This was a lovely poem! It's amazing how you've taken the nickname 'Tomato' (which is often an insult to those who blush a lot) and turned it into something romantic. If she likes it when you call her a fruit, it must be true love! It's absolutely perfect how it is so don't change it at all! Just keep writing more.

I don't want to review this because it's to good for a review. How cute and sweet and its really smooth to read .Congrats on front page ! Just beautiful, enough said.

I love the poem. The tone of the poem is so sweet that it made the readers' heart beating. I could sense that, in this poem, you really love this person. You are in love with this person Its so sweet that you made this poem for her Personal advice, if I may, cherish that person always Show how much you love her, and care for her

This is beautiful! It is seems so lighthearted yet it really pulls on your heartstrings and creates a very realistic image of your feelings.
The end rhymes create a lot of impact and really empasises how in sync or deep the love you speak of is.
This is a really good poem and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem is amazing well-written since the tone of this is remembering the love you had for this girl you called Tomato or something like that. Also i like how there is little end rhymes yet those few end rhymes could make any poem something worth their own wild.

Whenever I read a poem, I try to look for anything that could be fixed or something that could be used in a fixing situation (like most poems have or will do). Yet, most poems that i have read have mistakes while other not so much (this poem, however, has none.) From what i have read from the comment below, i would assume that you have fixed any fixes that would need to fix (since you are a wonderful poet or a wonderful writer).

Overall, i am sure many people could relate since some of us have or had a girlfriend/boyfriend and we loved them so much that we gave them cute nicknames. This poem could easily be called a wonderful example of dating someone you love very much or something, since in this poem you express the key elements in loving someone very close to you.

(sorry for rambling, just my way of saying I love poems that i read)
Farewell,
CapitalMonday

I thought this was the sweetest thing ever.... Keep it up.

I thought this was the sweetest thing ever.... Keep it up.

Very sweet! The rhyming is on point and it is very cute. I think that there should be a little explanation on why she is your tomato, but perhaps the mystery is what's so appealing.

;3; I cri everytime ;3;

I wuv dis poem, so melancholy and simple, I love the fact that you can say so much with such a simplistic poem

this poem was really sweet and cute, and i guess you really love your tomato. i would however like to point out some flaws[ pardon me if i am being picky ]
"And she blushed the night away."- i get the though in this like but the phrase "night away" is not fitting, it seems that your rhythm is binding you, try some other phrase which may sound more appropriate like "she blushed and agreed to stay"
"sea" you may change this expression to "bay" which bound rhyme with be and also suit the place,
"endless hole," i don"t think such an expression really suits for love, the word hole really strikes the ears and gives the whole thing a neg tone, perhaps try " our love is not a one day stroll" it would rhyme and is a good expression for love that lasts forever but may be that then the next lines would also need some change, well think about it and i guess you will come up with something good
"I'd kindly kill to kiss," again here the word ''kill'' really kills the feeling, and moreover why will you kill a kiss- rather i would even question how? try this " i am lost at her gentle kiss"
overall the poem was really cherry sweet just as your love,
you have potential so try and improve,
keep writing,
Rituparna

Hey, yo, Charizard821! Strange here and I have a review for you!

Alright, you probably don't like me from a previous review I did on one of your works, because apparently I'm not open to criticize, but that was a long time ago so here I am. This was a pretty interesting work, because it revolves on the common trend romance. Initially, it's about how you are certain that they are their true love and that they'll be together forever. However, there are many problems with this style of romance that could be found. I found one:

I'm simply falling for you.

I read this about half an hour ago, and got busy on something else so now I'm going to return a lovely compliment because, really, compliments are all I have for this piece. Let's get started!

First of all, thank you for breaking from traditional stanza structures. Sometimes reading stanzas breaks up a poem, but you've chosen to make this flow really, really well (just like your love!? *cries*).

I love the imagery of the sea and the hole you're falling through; I feel like I /watched/ the hole /become/ your love for this girl, and it was amazing.

I love, and this probably goes without saying, the nickname Tomato. Adorable, and perfect poetry potential. Way to tap into that, and take something simple and make it beautiful!

Favorite line:

When I walk alone,

My feet, they tap in two,

Oh, please make it four, forever more,

And I won't tap the blues.