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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello!
Here I am, with the review - or an attempt of it - of your lovely poem.
The imagery used here is very nice, as is your choice of words. It puts me on the scene of the poem, in a way, and gives me that somewhat creepy (but not in a bad way, if that makes any sense) feeling as I read if.
I do, though, agree with what Rydia said - it may make for a better opening if the word "voices" stood first.
For some reason, though it does make sense that you speak about dancers in this poem, I feel like there is some deeper meaning. I understand if there's not, lol, I guess poets don't even think about all the "true ideas behind the words" that critics later mention.. But anyway, I don't mean it in a bad way, so may as well pretend I was right.
This part, this scene, could be seen as a bit clicheish, I'm afraid, if there wasn't that deeper meaning - somehow if I look at it in some darker way (because it's just the way I am), all the words fit right in.
I think this is a lovely way to end a poem. Simple, yet rather powerful.
All in all, you did a great job here, with nice word choice and imagery. Again, I don't know if you were going for any deeper meaning and metaphors, but on the other hand, I suppose it can't be bad to hear that your poem had some effect on a reader and made him/he think a little, right?
Kind regards,
Aria~
Specifics
Unless you're going to turn it on its head, please at all costs avoid lines like this! They're cliché and a waste of space because we've heard them before and my brain immediately starts to shut down when it comes across one. Create a new cliché instead! Something original and catchy that others will want to steal for their own.1. You've got a great use of sounds here and that's working well for you. I think though that actually the first line would read better as 'voices muffled' first because sound is such a large introduction to this poem and that would emphasise it. Also, the two syllable, plosive word 'voices' is a much stronger, louder one than 'feet'. It makes for a more powerful opening.
2. I think you could flip a few other phrases around as well to make this more pro-active. I feel like I'm saying this to a lot of poets today so you're certainly not the only one, but take line three for instance. You've had two lines starting with a noun already so why not bring that verb into play sooner? How about:
Voices muffled, feet scuffled.
Cocoons unfurled and pulses burned.
Biting the oak at our feet, the flames
are scavengers today.
3.
4. Ah so it's two dancers or certainly two performers, in which case I want to see more stage language! I want to hear about props and costumes, glitter and make-up. Where's all the jazz of a show and the jazzy rhythm to go with it? For me this feels too sedate to be a poem on showmanship as there's none of that hustle and bustle and excitement. It feels more like two people alone in a hay loft. And I like the closeness of that but I feel there should be more fast paced action as well to balance it out and to contrast with the quietness and ease of their relationship. Make us feel who these people are.
Overall
I love the theme and you have some strong lines/ word choices scattered throughout but I think you need to think more about the setting and the characters because that isn't coming through very strongly. And it's a shame - there's a lot that you could do with this!
Hopefully I've put you on the road to a few ideas. Keep writing!
Heather xx
Beautiful