Published August 13, 2011
We’re wingless in this aimless flight,
Armless in this bitter fight.
Like birds in the sky,
We all fly,
We all try,
And for what?
These lifeless cages in scripted with our meaningless names,
Rattling with relentless chains.
Imprisoned among these countless dead dreams,
Torn from the seams
Of our broken wings.
No one told me I stopped sleeping,
And started bleeding,
And abruptly—
Quit breathing.
And that everything I’ve ever bled for,
Meant nothing evermore.
I will not beg my broken heart to heal, to feel,
Because I don’t think it was ever even real.
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138,932 Literary Works • 672,412 Reviews
Aow, this so very beautifully written! Your use of words, and the way you build up yours sentences, each line is as powerful and I was hooked after the first three words! The theme may be kind of cliché but you made it your own and in many ways it was both original and creative! I love every line and every word... except maybe for where you wrote "evermore" where I think it would sound better if you wrote "anymore" :p But other than that I have got no complaints what so ever! Amazing, amazing poem!
7/5 icky, sticky spiders for this! I was stunned, speachless, so amazed!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Well this idea was definitely something that has been done before, but I think your poem added some really creative twists to it that I haven’t seen before, nor did I expect them.
I almost want to say that these lines are not needed, and it is the only thing that I trul felt was over done.I think word choice and even word placement have a huge effect on the uniqueness and creativity of a poem. And I think that’s what you did, your ability to state certain things simply really focused on your points, in my opinion. Overall I liked it a lot.
This is where the piece really shows your creative writing ability.
[quoteOf our broken wings.
][/quote] This, other than the second line of the poem, is enough of a bird reference that one poem needs, at least thats what I think. Thats also why i think you should cut out, "Like birds in the sky, we all fly, we all try"
This is what I was talking about, this word placement made the poem for me. It added a sense of actuality, as if the narrator was actually speaking instead of having me just be reading it. Your creativity really fought its way out through certain lines but mostly in your ability to place certain sentences in a different type of light.
I dont believe you should use the word evermore.
Overall this piece was good; I think you may have just tried a little too hard in certain areas. Sometimes shorter is better, there’s no need to clutter your unique ability with already done and lines and redundant metaphors. Just sit down with this piece and ask yourself, what do you really need to say and does this answer tha?
Keep on writing!
~SnowBerry
Thank you so much, Kyllorac ^-^
I’m actually really grateful for your comment, AND the kind way you spoke in. (that last line, was cool of you)
This was written in Micro Soft word, and I think the font was already set because of what I used in that program. If not, I’m not sure how/why I would have changed it, but I’m assuming it wasn’t intentional. Or maybe it was the given font? I don’t know, but I didn’t change it thinking it would look better. . . .
What font should I use? What does everybody else use? (They don’t have Time New Roman)
And I’ll be sure to edit those [i] things lol
Lol and the word encrypted was a typo. Lol Micro Soft changed it for me because I typed the other word choice wrong. I must have typed the word as “inscripted”, when it’s spelt “in scripted”.
I’ll do my best to fix this, thanks so much for being kind about it ^-^
Hello there, Charade. Before I begin my review, I'd like to point out that you've got two tags floating at the beginning and end of the piece. They're a bit distracting, so you might want to edit them out. In the future, you might find the Preview option useful before submitting edits; it never hurts to check that everything looks perfect, after all. :)
As far as the poem itself goes, the format makes the piece not as easy to read as it could be. The bright red of the title keeps drawing my eye back up towards it; the large spaces in between the lines make the poem feel "empty"; the italics strike me as an unnecessary flourish that, while it might work with handwriting, does not translate too well into typed text; and the overly large font size makes this poem feel inflated so that it seems much, much longer than it needs to be and actually is with how I had to scroll down several times to read the entire thing.
Now, this is not to say you can't use formatting. It's just that, right now, there's quite a lot of formatting going on here, and it results in a format overload that distracts your readers from the actual content of your poem. You might want to tone things down a little.
Try asking yourself how the appearance of the poem contributes to the piece overall. Is there a reason it needs to be italicized? That the text must be so large? That it's centered? Sometimes "It just looks better" is a valid reason, but if not, then it is best to format as simply as possible to make it easier for your readers to read and appreciate your poem.
Right now, I'm getting the impression from reading the reviews above that the format is getting in the way of your readers' enjoyment, so I would strongly recommend formatting your piece as simply as possible.
Now, as far as the content of your poem goes, there were a couple of words, namely "evermore" and "encrypted", that weren't used as correctly as they should have been.
Encryption involves making data inaccessible to anyone without a key. It is a distortion, and if you substitute "These lifeless cages distorted with our meaningless names", it doesn't quite make sense (though it could be a very interesting image if it were developed). Shades of meaning are very important, especially in poetry where every single word counts, so it's always a good idea to check in a dictionary that the words you are using have the exact intended meaning.
"Evermore" almost always comes after "for"; it's how we get the words "forever" and "forevermore". To have it standing by itself reads very oddly.
Lastly, you had a solid flow going throughout the poem, up until the very end in these lines:
The first two lines work, however the last line completely breaks all established rhythm. Even having looked it over multiple times, I'm not sure how it could be read to fit all the syllables in in a pattern that coincides with the rest of the piece. You could try cutting down on some syllables. For instance, "For in the end, I don't think we were ever real" flows a bit more smoothly in the grand scheme of things.
Another option would be to expand upon that last line a bit, perhaps modify it so that its structure echoes that of the previous two lines. So long as it flows smoothly for a first-time reader.
One technique you might try to check your flow is reading your poem aloud. Take note of where you stumble and, if possible, why — these are the areas where the flow is weakest, and fixing them will only strengthen your poem.
If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line.
Wow, that was really inspiring! I mean, Im totally speachless! I cant write poems worth anything! Which really sucks cause my mom is a poet. But anyway, it was extremely wonderful to read. I would really like to learn how to write good poetry from you if you dont mind.
|anyways, I loved the poet. Some how it spoke to me in a good way. It shows how I feel inside, plus it shows how much emotion you put into the nice piece. I loved every bit of it! Keep on writing, and I cant wait to review even more of your wonderful work!|
Robbin~~ Nyaa ^-^
Get rid of the centering, the funny font, the bold letters, the colored title. Right now this aesthetically a nightmare and completely turns me off.
WHEN I ACTUALLY READ IT THOUGH, I'm not given a reason to think my first impression should be changed. Half the battle with art is to not turn off the audience with impossible form making acquaintance unapproachable.
Then work on content, which isn't bad, but the rhyming should not count on being centered, nor should your lines be limited to this. Basically, show me this in another organized manner. That's my preference; I want to see intention behind a choice, not a passing fancy.
Wow I really liked this piece forgive me but at first I thought it was going to be cheesy but then I read it and it was amazing! The imagery and flow of the poem was great and the rhyming scheme was really good and actually made sense not like some of those poems where there are random words to make a poem rhyme. Yours actually made sense, the only thing you should try to work on is the format, maybe it's just me but I thought a more standard format would help the readers with the flow of the poem better. Great job this was a really good piece!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
This is really, really good
I love how some of the sentences end so abruptly; unexpectedly. And I like the length, too 
Although It's not a particular subject, which you could maybe work on. Instead of writing about feelings and emotions, you could try writing about a particular thing... I think that that could really work. 
I'm not so keen on this part, although I'm not actually sure why. I mean, I guess that I'm just nit-picking, but it just doesn't seem to work. It's very good; the whole poem is very good. But this part just seems to be 'good-good'Perfect length. Not too long. Not too short. And I think that it's clever, rhyming in different places like that, and still making it work. You're obviously a very good poet.
But what I really enjoyed was the subject
Anywaaays
These parts are especially awesome
But overall, I'd say that it'd probably look better and'd be slightly easier for me to read if it was just in it's ordinary font. Size. Or whatever
And I actually think that you should try writing a song.
Good luck - Emmzziee
This is really, really good
I love how some of the sentences end so abruptly; unexpectedly. And I like the length, too 
Although It's not a particular subject, which you could maybe work on. Instead of writing about feelings and emotions, you could try writing about a particular thing... I think that that could really work. 
I'm not so keen on this part, although I'm not actually sure why. I mean, I guess that I'm just nit-picking, but it just doesn't seem to work. It's very good; the whole poem is very good. But this part just seems to be 'good-good'Perfect length. Not too long. Not too short. And I think that it's clever, rhyming in different places like that, and still making it work. You're obviously a very good poet.
But what I really enjoyed was the subject
Anywaaays
These parts are especially awesome
But overall, I'd say that it'd probably look better and'd be slightly easier for me to read if it was just in it's ordinary font. Size. Or whatever
And I actually think that you should try writing a song.
Good luck - Emmzziee
Wow... this just left me speechless. It was amazing, and I can't wait to hear more from you. My favorite part was
It really spoke to me. But I'd have to disagree with the first reviewer. I didn't think any of it sounded forced. It was perfect. Keep writing I loved it!
Awesome poem! I liked how you used "evermore" in it. It made it sound more... (I don't know) professional. Maybe it's because all the poems I like are older. I don't know, I just though that was cool. I didn't see a single grammer issue, so bravo to you. I like how it flows; smoothly. It has a perfect rhyming scheme, although I didn't see any sylable scheme, which is fine. Good job!
You've left me speechless. The amount of emotion I felt blew me away!
One comment: Just like the first reviewer had said, 'evermore' doesn't quite fit, but it kind of does at the same time.
o.o
Keep writing
i like the feel of this poem and flow is totally perfect. your rhyming is spot on and i think was a really good read.
this part made me stop and think, and i like that, because most peole try to avoid the pain , but here it seems to me you wanna face it head on.
i really don't even know what to say about this part except it left me breathless. keep writing. this was an awesome poem. good luck!!
Nice structure and rhyming. Love the overall feeling this poem gives. It's perfect.
"I will not beg my broken heart to heal,
To feel,
"Because in the end, I don't think we were ever even real."
These lines buttresses the point that Nothing in life lasts forever, whether real or unreal. It's all for a moment, then it's gone.
"And abruptly-
Quit breathing".
I love the pause effect. Nice Job well done. look forward to reading more from you.
Hey, Charade.
Your poem was cliche, and unique. Some parts I felt like I've heard or read them a bunch of times, while others actually caught my eye. Near the end you have a rhyme that seems really forced while the rest flowed.
I really like the beginning of your poems and even though the words you rhymed were simple it was awesome. Which is usually hard to do with commonly rhymed words. Congrats!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo