Published August 8, 2011
Creeping & crawling thru the darkness. onward ever trudging thru the mud. Lost to a world the light and life.
deeper into darkness I go never wanting the light at all. Taken from me all I love left alone & left for dead.
Never more will they mourn me, I am gone forever in the dark lost to light this cold wet night. Here I lay as here I stay...
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141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
You need to split up your works Kata. Don't write it all in one paragraph poems aren't usually done such. But the poem is very well done but you need to work on punctuation and writing it out. I enjoyed the poem and hope you will take the time to correct this piece. It is very well done I wish you luck, sister.
Soulkana<3
Woooow, this does need quite much work.. The entire thing is just REALLY messy right now and need both structure and punctuation and capitals. The content though is very good so this piece doesn't lack potential.. it just need some cleaning and polishing. Spice it up and put some order in to it and I feel like this could be great!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I like the poem, it has alot of potential. But I think it needs to be worked on. Using abbreviations in poetry isn't usually a recommendation. And you should divide this into lines and stanzas, as it's more appealing to the eye, and helps the reader get a sense of the flow. Like Paintingtherain said, if you tweak it up, you will be pleased with the reception. It has alot of potential.
Nit Picks:
Creeping and crawling through darkness,
Onward ever trudging through the mud.
Lost to a world the light and life,
Deeper into darkness, I go never wanting,
The light at all.
Taken from me all I love,
Left alone and
Left for dead.
Never more will they mourn me,
I am gone forever in the dark,
Lost to this cold, wet night.
Here I lay,
as here I stay.
or ...
Creeping and crawling through darkness,
Onward ever trudging through the mud.
Lost to a world the light and life,
Deeper into darkness, I go never wanting,
The light at all.
Taken from me all I love,
Left alone and
Left for dead.
Never more will they mourn me,
I am gone forever in the dark,
Lost to this cold, wet night.
Here I lay,
as here I stay.
It has potential, but I would use correct grammar and punctuation, and order it into stanza's, or keep it as one paragraph, but like the one above. Well done.
The idea is good but you need to work on the composition of the poem. Its good to organize the poem in stanzas. Also you should avoid using the abbreviations.
This has the potential to be a good poem, but to be honest, the form needs a lot of work. You should keep it organized with lines and stanzas. Also, since it's writing, you should probably limit the use of abreviations and stuff. The poem is original, though, and I like it. As long as you get it organized and tweak it here and there, you'll be pleased by the reception. This is pretty good. Work on it. I hope my review helps.