Published November 19, 2006
An idea I came up with a while back.
I came here to escape this, but everywhere I go I see his face staring back at me. In the twisted, gnarled bark of the trees, and the white cotton wool clouds in the sky. In the shimmering blue river I see his reflection instead of mine. I am alone, except for the woodland creatures who will only come out to frolick when I'm gone. I wander further into the forest, the trees tower above me. I am so small here. I can sense his presence. A bluebird flits above me, hopping from branch to branch, twittering like I should understand him. He circles around me, close but not close enough as to endanger himself. I admire his pretty feathers - he looks so perfect. Is there ever such thing as an ugly bluebird? I try to consider this new concept. Is the bluebird always accepted by other bluebirds? Do bluebirds have fashion trends? Does he feel emotions like I can? Can he feel love, joy and happiness like me? Bluebirds lives are so much less complex than ours, it seems. But how do we know this? I find myself reaching to God, arms outstretched above me - the bluebird twitches for a second, flinches, as if it would fly away, but then seems intrigued. He settles back on the branch, seemingly comfortable with my presence in the woods. He appears to be watching me. I begin to feel weak. I put my arms down. I collapse onto the forest floor. The leaves are consuming me, dragging me in. My vision blurs. I close my eyes and sleep.
I wake to a bright summer's morning. I begin thinking about him again. It seems like there is no escape. But what I am I really running from? I am not scared of his love, so why do I try to avoid it?
To be continued
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,619 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well for starters I have to say this piece here manages to be a bit difficult to read there, especially towards the middle, because that initial paragraph is a little too much on the larger side. That's not to say the flow itself gets disrupted, in fact that manages to remain remarkably intact throughout the piece despite the massive paragraph, but it just could do with a split to make it easier on the readers.
Now besides that particular situation, we've got ourselves a lovely bit of imagery here. It's a different take from what you normally see and the style that you use here blending these various questions with the images without necessarily trying to ground this too much gives the impression of something like a poem more than anything else here. Its an interesting way to tell this story, and given there appears to be more coming for it, I think this particular situation makes for a fairly decent start here.
The mysterious images here coupled with all those questions drum up enough intrigue that as a reader you do find yourself wanting to find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, I don't know. If you have random symbolism, without any story, then it is just fluffy imagery. What you want to do is incorporate the imagery into something tangible, i.e. the story. And then it'll become powerful. So don't try to make excuses. Just write a story.
Thanks for the comments
I think I've changed the spelling mistakes, but if there are more please let me know.
The symbolism for the bluebird won't be clear right now, but when I've finished writing it, then I think it probably will be.
Thanks again
Chantel
Use spellcheck. Not Knarled... gnarled. And there's several other mistakes as well.
Right now, you are using symbolism to establish a setting. That's nice and everything, but you haven't even made a character or setting. So, because your symbolism doesn't have anything relevent to attach itself onto, it falls flat. Remember, symbolism gives a different reflection of the story. It is not a substitute.
Hope that helps!
There's something about this that nags at me, something to do with the second sentence that just doesnt seem to fit. I would suggest adding, 'he is there' at the very end or something that makes it more then a loose fragment.
As for the rest of it, I agree with the others. There's no plot here; you say at the beginning you came up eith this idea ... was it of a person observing a bluebird? I'm sure it wasnt, well, at least I hope so. So I suggest that you add and expand on this, so we can get some idea of where your going with this.
You suddenly shift from "this" to a face. Confusing, eh?
Wow. That was fast.
I see almost no plot involved in this and your random description of a bluebird seems to sharply contrast the rest of your story.
"This sort of narration by the character makes me want to grab a shotgun and blast the bluebird and the character into oblivion. "
Gryffin how could you? I want to get a rocket propelled nuclear bomb and blast the bluebird and the character into oblivion. Or maybe Im too melodramatic? lol
There doesn't seem to be any conflict behind this story.
Even the lucid visions don't make up for the fact that it's just some guy wondering about a bird.
Then, for some reason, he goes unconcious.
If this bluebird is supposed to be for symbolic purposes, then you spent too much time on it.
Instead of telling us about the bluebird, why don't you show us the bluebird instead? What's all that stuff about shopping malls, fashions, trends?
This sort of narration by the character makes me want to grab a shotgun and blast the bluebird and the character into oblivion.
If you decide to pursue this idea, I suggest going into third person limited since the current narrator isn't telling us anything useful. You can do a better job at narrating this, not your character.
Show, don't tell.
One word: Short. Please actually finish a piece or section of work before posting.
Its a nice piece but meaningless, where is the conflict? Character etc... I hate philisophical beginnings.
Ok, continue and post more.
Ooh, tis cool.
.
My only complaint would be the very last sentance - 'I close my eyes and then I wake again.' This just doesn't read as fluidly as the rest of the piece.
Keep on writing