Waiting
There he sat waiting in the rain
Waiting for me to come to him
He had his arms out waiting for me
I tried to shout out the wind muffled my screams
He stood waiting in the rain waiting for me
I tried to run something held me back
Something firm and something strong
[flash=]POP[/flash] I screamed in agony
I fell and all I saw was blackness
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138,059 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi Chanta,
Hopefully my review will give you some ideas on how you can improve this poem as well as serve as an advice when writing future poems.
This is paula08, here to review. So let's start, shall we?
First of all I want to say that this was a good try especially for a 12 year old who is new to poetry. Remember, practice make perfect
The first thing I noticed when reading this poem is the lack of punctuation. Punctuation is very important in any literal work but most importantly in poetry since it brings out the rhythm. Usually, lack of punctuation in a poem is meant to reflect the element of continuity and lack of change. However, it is evident that in this poem this cannot be applied since the element of continuity is not visible. Therefore, my advice is to add punctuation example:
"Waiting there. He sat waiting in the rain.
Waiting for me to come to him. "
Punctuation even helps the reader to read it better and thus, the message is better conveyed.
Another thing which I want to bring to your attention is that some of the lines are hard to understand. These can be improved by the addition of a linking word or as previously stated, punctuation. Take a look at this line for example:
"I tried to shout out the wind muffled my screams"
Improve using a linking word:
"I tried to shout out but the wind muffled my screams"
Or improve with punctuation:
"I tried to shout out. The wind muffled my screams"
I must admit that although this is a short poem I had to read it more than once to clarify what was exactly happening. My interpretation is that the speaker is trying to get a message to this person who is portrayed to be waiting for her however, there is something stopping her. You made an emphasis on portraying the person waiting for her by the repetition of the word 'waiting'. I think that this is good however, you must put more emphasis on the message that the speaker is trying to convey and the emotions of the speaker. You should describe more the sensation of being pulled back.
I would suggest that you lengthen the poem and put more detail in it apart from arranging certain mistakes which I think are due to typos eg. '[flash=]POP[/flash]' The detail will help the reader to portray the action better and be able to form a relationship with the speaker. After reading this poem, the reader is left with a lot of unanswered questions which is not very good in this case. Some of these questions are for example:
Why was the speaker attacked?
How come the other person just stayed there?
Where they escaping from someone?
The answers of these questions can be hinted out through out the poem.
Having said that, this poem can also be interpreted from another perspective, which is that of the speaker having a nightmare. If one takes this perspective it would explain why the speaker is being pulled back. Maybe the person in the rain is someone the speaker yearns to be re-joined to. It is as if the speaker is trying to get hold of him however, this is not possible since he's not real but just a fragment in a dream. When the person is pulled by something hard, it could be someone trying to wake him up from the nightmare due to the previously mentioned screams.
I would really appreciate if you clarify whether this poem was meant to reflect a nightmare or an actual action.
Nonetheless, I maintain that you should add more detail so that your message is better conveyed. Apart, from that I must say that this is great writing for a 12 year old. Keep writing and if you have any questions about this work or any other future work do not hesitate to ask
Well, I hope this review helps,
-me
I think the poem's pretty good. I don't get why you have those brackets and the =sign. The T in there should be lower cased.
okay thanks
Heyya Chantal!
Wow. Amazing poem.
This is wonderful.
Although here is some advice:
Waiting There he sat waiting into he rain
Ur whole poem is awesome, outstanding. But that one sentence troubles me.
Firstly, Waiting There he sat waiting
I am wondering, why did u capitalize There? Also, you said waiting twice, maybe use some different word choices, which will make your reader more interested.
Also, the second and third line.
Waiting for me to come to him
Him is repeated to many times. Like the first sentence, change the word choice.
You don't always need so many of the same words together.
And on the 4th sentence. Did you mean:
I tried to shout BUT the wind muffled my screams?
Because you wrote:
I tried to shout out the wind muffled my screams
That may be a typo, or I am reading it wrong.
Also here:
I tried to run BUT something held me back?
Because you wrote:
I tried to run something held me back
Again, maybe a typo or I am really reading things wrong today.
Something firm and something strong;
Love this sentence.
Great job and good luck with fixing your work. Just read it through a few times before you post it.
Keep it up!
Sincerely,
Curiosity227
xD thank you so much I tried my best to do it but ig I'm not really that good of a writer
They that's ok ur wayyy better than me
For your first poem I was impressed with the repetition of waiting, it sounds nice.
.Now you have this obvious error;
The poem has a lot of things I don't quite like but please be lenient with yourself. No one is good the first and second time around. It's not bad either, you did well.
Now, @ClariceArrais said you told the poem in few words, I have to disagree. The amount of conciseness is important because when you have weak portions in your poem, it weighs it down with dead, doing-nothing-for-you weight.
For example,
and
With the exception of him having his arms out it is saying the same thing. So instead you could just note he had his arms out. The content is there and it's easier to read and contains less words. But honestly, the note of having his arms out practically doesn't do much for you. The symbol is cliche and therefor very numb. To make it not cliche add some incite, what does it mean to you? What does that look like? By making it original it becomes real.
When someone reads this they naturally breaks it apart into two clauses, in poetry that usually means a pause. I think you should emphasize that pause with a comma. I don't quite know if you gave any thought to punctuation in the entire poem.
The end is ambiguous which is a concept that is controversial; to me it seems random,something that has no greater point. There are dots here that we cannot connect because you haven't given us a clue as to what you are actually saying. It could be anything including random chance.
What we really want however, is something more original. You should work on making the poem more yours and unique to how you interpret the story around you.
Wish you luck in the future.
okay thanks
Greetings Chanta1234! Your favourite neighbourhood wizard here for a review!
Okay, so seeing as this is your first piece of poetry, I'll take it easy on you, and try to help you achieve greatness.
Now, I'm not sure if it's just a fault on my side or what, but it seems that some of your lines didn't follow under each other, but in fact in they follow directly on each other in the same lines. Let me point them out just in case (I review what I see, so...) This sign (//) will indicate where the new lines should start.
Let's just look at this sentence quickly as well. It is good, but I believe this would make it have more impact:
By omitting the rain part, it sounds less repetitive (not so many he's and waiting's, know what I mean?) Also, by starting with a single word followed by a full stop you instantly have the reader's attention. Let us move on, shall we?
Maybe you could state this like so:
Note, I'm not rewriting the poem, I'm just making suggestions, so you don't have to use my ideas. ANYWAY...
The yet is in brackets to show that it gets added when you separate these two segments. You could always do something like thus to shorten it:
The next line reminds me too much of the first few lines, and can become redundant. Something like this might change the way you showcase it, and create suspense:
Moving on...
That last part can be substituted by "yet I cannot escape". I carries the same weight, yet it's shorter.
The and is unnecessary and tampers with the suspense. (and readers like suspense)
With the last part I would advise you to write it like this:
What a nice ending wouldn't that make, hey?
Overall, I can see that you thought hard about writing a good piece, and I appreciate the effort. Even if you don't use my suggestions, I still believe this is a nice piece (just remember the line breaks...) I therefore rate this piece 6.5 out of ten. This is actually excellent for your first poem! Well done! (note, the rating is not to demoralize you, but actually to encourage you to aspire to greater heights and sort of like setting a standard you can only improve on)
Continue writing,
The Wandering Wizard
Thanks and I will try to rewrite this the best way I can
Hello Chanta! Welcome to YWS!
About your Poetry:
I liked the way you told a story in so few words. You used the action verbs in a way you gave more content to scene, where a girl try to reach someone, but something unexpected happens and she blacks out.
The intensity of something holding her back got me. You nailed it. I could feel her agony in my seat.
There is only one thing that I would change. Lines 2 and 3.
"Waiting for me to come to HIM
He had his arms out waiting for me to warm HIM".
I know you wanted to play with the sonority, but poetry does not need to always rhyme. You can write it the way you want, it is free. But in this case the HIM repetition did not sound so good, because you already had placed HIM in another line (line 6).
I suggest you pick only one Him. You could stop line 3 on "He had his arms out waiting for me", the sonority is good too, because of the "m" sound of "me, nasal like "him".
I enjoyed reading it very much. Your work promises a lot. I would love to see a romance been written by you.
=***
thank you and I'm working on one of those vampire books I don't think its good but i will post it and see if it works and can you please explain to me what you mean by the him part
You wrote "him" twice in two lines. It's repetitive. That's all. =)
okay thanks and second what do you mean romance? on the last section line
Oh! In Portuguese we say "Romance", in English it is "Novel". Sorry. =) I'd love to read a novel written by you!
xD so a romance novel?