Published May 3, 2005
last night
was perfect in the way that
nights never seem to be.
i have always imagined
nights like that:
side splitting
tear bringing
earth shaking
fun.
a night where everything is
bright and hot and sweet
and sour and shining and soft
and light and deep and covered in
glitter.
i dreamt that one day i would have a night
like that.
dancing on street corners,
swinging from trees,
tasting the secrets of a chosen boy
lying on a bed of broken pavement,
sleeping on dew kissed grass.
last night was a
moon tipped
stardusted
shimmering
head thrown back and
choking
on laughter
night.
yet,
i would have rather spent it
listening to bad metal music in
a dusty ford
with you.
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141,252 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Ha! I liked this. This could easily be made into a depressing poem, but you didn't do that! Instead, check this out:
I love the last line of that stanza! It could be so many other words, but the word "fun" gives it a mischievous sound to it, a playful tone, which sets up the poem quite nicely.
i agree with everyone else. it was amazing, as such your poetry tends to be, but the ending sort of ruined the whole poem. no, actually it didn't. i just...didn't like it.
the poem, though, definitely described those feelings PERFECTLY. i definitely understood what you meant.
in fact, i understood the ending, too. it just didn't have a smooth enough slide.
=]
great.
Personally, I liked your ending. It put a quick blade to a poem that could have bordered on sugary. The imagery was excellent, and simple as well, which is good. I liked this.
The end was abrupt, unexpected, and yes definitely need some leading into it. Otherwise, it totally defeats the purpose of the poem up until that point. There was a disrupted flow, however, this worked to your advantage. It really brought out the fragmented imagery of a night of mischief, or rather, freedom. I liked that.
The ending was a bit... surprising? It was too abrupt, as Muse said. You may like it like that, but in my opinion, you need some form of prior foreshadowing.
The stanzas were also formatted in a way that chopped up the poem. I didn't feel a sense of rhythm connecting the stanzas, only a separate rythm for each one.
That said, you did have good imagery. You painted a lovely picture and disrupted it by your own opinion (thats good). Just connect your thoughts a bit more and don't rush newly-introduced ideas.
It ends a bit abruptly in my opinion.
I like that section. It's nice to say. It's got a good fast pace, which i like.
Keep up the good work!!