Hi Chanson,
This is a rather delicate poem, and I don't have the right to judge certain... aspects of it. I do not have any first-hand experience, and don't want to risk offending anyone. I'll try sticking to the structure and whatnot of the poem as I review.
The lack of fullstops where sentences ended made the entire poem a touch difficult to read. I couldn't follow some trains of thought, and by the end I was only able to have a somewhat hazy impression of what you write of.
(that i have supposedly inherited
that i have cut short recently,
dyed black,
much to your surprise and dismay
you stare at me puzzled, wondering why.
you do not know i know.)
This felt very out of place, since the whole chunk was more than just two or three lines. I would suggest dedicating an entire stanza to this subject without disrupting the elegance of another.
but i cannot allow my imagination to wander
letting it slip down dark, lonely lanes
scared, i urge it to come back
urge it to instead wander in fairytales
in lands of Happy Families
This really got to me. I can't express why exactly, other than how the idea of denying something blatantly clear is an oddly appealing yet depressing topic to raise, and how you've done it extraordinarily well.
I loved the how two languages are used to distinguish between two people.
Wait, there are two men, right?
(you caught me then, remember?
caught me and i held on so tightly to your hand
when you were still someone and not just 'She')
This doesn't have to be in brackets.
he think that perhaps you are late home and saves your dinner in the oven
later i throw it out the window
and wait up so i can smirk while you search the kitchen for it.
An oddly satisfying ending,to be honest.
So, my overall impression? It's very neatly written, the discrepancies in stanza and line lengths didn't affect me whatsoever, and the topic has been carefully dealt with. I'm quite impressed.
I hope you keep writing, wherever you are. Good luck!
- Lee
Points: 18564
Reviews: 278
Donate