Published January 4, 2007
cigarette smoke hangs in the air like gunsmoke,
the sofa has become a battleground.
its soft cushions hold nothing but fear.
my policy is appeasement - i distract you with kisses.
your hands are weapons, lying idly by your side,
waiting to strike. i watch them wearily.
your eyes say war declared but it's a phoney war,
stillness reigns. tension laces through the room.
i use the interim to brace myself,
i wait for your lips to find mine.
you push me back - battle begun.
a relentless blitzkrieg, i am being blown up.
i am rubble now, broken down.
but little by little, i gain my ground.
i stumble for the door, your hands wipe at nothing.
victory tastes like crisp winter air.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I unfortunetly don't get a few parts in it. if its cuz im just stupid let me know.
what does the ciggarette smoke have to do with anything?
If the girl won then how come she was rejected the kiss?
Did she not honestly want the kiss?
when she declared victory was it like a break up or something?
I didn't get the hands part at the end.
I know I'm not the smartest crayola in the box.
All's fair in love and war, eh?
I dislike the repeat of smoke in the first line. And you had a simple typo in "appeasement".
Semi-colon between gunsmoke and sofa.
Idly. Phony. A semi-colon between war and stillness. This stanza wasn't quite as strong. It didn't put much on the table.
I like this one! It might be because of the use of blitzkrieg, but hey...
Well, the "blown up" part might be a little over the top. Use something less, erm, explosive, or find a different way to say it.
Down-ground slant rhyme intentional? Semi-colon between door and your.
Interesting...has this narrator just said no to sex or left an abusive relationship? Ah, health class.
This one was an interesting read. Hurrah for military references and whatnot.
Colleen