Young Writers Society

Hello there.

Popping in to give you a review that must have missed its stop thirteen years ago.

First off, I feel that the blocky paragraphs, especially the third one, detracts from this story rather than adds to it. Big sections are hard to get through, with all sorts of tangents that could meet in the middle and leave the reader even more confused. Also, some of these sentences read as fragments with comma splices, which also distract me as I feel like I'm trying to put these into separate lines too.

As for the actual content, this left a bad taste in my mouth. Every step of progression pushes this night into something regretted and even unwanted, and that makes me a little sad and a little confused. I'm guessing the speaker at least isn't past her mid-twenties, as I'd say older adults usually don't worry about being bad kisser by then. But maybe I'm wrong.

There's a kinda eerie feeling of naivety here, combined with almost a self-punishing attitude. I'm perplexed by the opening paragraph, as she talks about how they both knew this would happen. But, then she tries to not kiss him, to get distracted by what they were doing, or what their actions were leading up to. Yet, later the start of paragraph number three has "I have wanted this for so long."

I think that the narration here sets the reader apart from the characters, and I'd rather see closer thoughts. Maybe at least having the doubts with a line of how was looking forward to this, to better show the conflict. Not wanting to do this is one thing, but it seems like they'd have their mind made up in some way even without expressing that verbally to their partner. I do wish she would have done that at some time.

Overall, I don't view this as very romantic, instead, I read this as implied non-consensual, and that makes me sadder than anything.

That's all I've got for now.

Very nice job Chanson. I love the exquisite language you use and the minute details that make your works come alive. Keep writing!

what's the guy thinking?

yeah, i wish i knew that, too.

thank you very mucho for the comments

I really liked it, but I am too wondering what was going on inside the guys head as well. I did not see anything to crit about. Good job. Can't wait to read more!

All I can say is I really loved this. Just the way you wrote it seemed to make it so easy to empathise with. I disagree with Mattie; that is, I don't think you need to put what the guy is thinking, the girl's POV does fine here.

I too, liked how you wrote it. The only thing is, what is the guy thinking? What's going on in his mind? I'd have to say this is my favorite piece of writing I've read so far besides what Kit? has sent in. And this is my favorite part and I think you did a great job:

We lie there and Jack Johnson's voice is washing over me. I know that tomorrow I will download that song and play it over and over, to remember. Trying to remember every moment that the vodka has erased.

I have felt like that before, wanting to remember the good things but you can't. Only the bad of the situation. This is great and I hope to read more!

i liked it that you kept the train of the girl's thoughts.
i think this is better in first person, as third person would have detracted from the intimacy.
great story.