Published January 30, 2006
today was so quiet i could hear the ice melt in my glass.
sunlight trickled through the windows
and the sheets were white and clean,
soft against my bare legs.
i slipped in and out of consciousness
and i wasn't sure who's eyes i saw
when i closed mine but i know
it was your face i saw in my dreams.
my heartbeat was the loudest noise
i heard all day and it was irregular,
beating to a rythym controlled
by your image.
life is so much more silent now
without your laughter. i suppose
the more you want something
the easier it is to lose.
the ice has melted now,
the water is spilling onto the table,
my mouth is dry and my lips are sore
but thoughts of you make me too tired to move.
#first real poem i've written in a long, long time#
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Pretty Good for a first poem.. But I'dd recommend you to capitalize the ''I''
I like it.
has a very slothish feel to it.
The line break between the last two lines really doesn't work. It appears like the thought ends on the second line and it took a while for me to understand it continues. I suggest you change it a bit ... maybe place "when" up a line?
I'm also struggling to understand the point of placing someone in parentheses rather than using that instead of something? Are you trying to imply something meaningful here? Because it was lost on me.
Otherwise I thought the lines were pretty, and I liked the silence references and the ice/water parts. Maybe you could develop the latter.