Published November 9, 2006
the taxi smells of air freshner
and smoke, sweat, beer.
it is dark and private,
like falling into another world.
silence reigns. the taximan
is uninterested and absorbed
in something far removed from us,
from this moment.
your actions surprise me.
you bite my mouth. you press
me into the leather seats.
your hands squeeze my neck.
your hair is soft.
no one can see us here
and anything goes. the air
is stale, the windows are portals to infinite
blackness.
i get out.
the street is very quiet.
the departing red lights burn
with warning.
and the only proof
is my irregular breathing ever since
and blood on my t-shirt,
from where you tore the skin.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
The imagery is good. But I have a few suggestions...
These three lines read funny...I think it is between the first and second lines. Uninterested and absorbed, so close together, jar the stanza.
This line is also awkward. "Windows Portals" is hard to get out with the double plural. Also, the first part of the line is finishing another and the second part the beginnging that isn't finished until the next line...it's a little awk.
This stanza is also awkward. Most of your stanzas have a break between the lines, but the first two lines here run right together.
I would ditch a syllable somewhere in this line, it just reads funny.
Keep working on it!
wowww... this is great. i love the imagery... you tell a story without telling it, just by giving details. i really like that.