Published August 25, 2008
You're a forest after rainfall.
That heady smell of wet
leaves, rotting vegetation.
Everything is messy, damp.
Soil sticks to my skin,
crystal drops glint on spider webs.
In dark holes creatures hide.
Rain has made the soft moss
as dangerous as the rocks.
I slip and slide through
the trees. The air is silent and humid
between the towering trunks.
Anyone could get lost in here.
(I am getting lost in you)
*
You smell like wet soil.
Around you I am stripped
of artificiality.
Basic instinct rules.
You taste like rainwater.
I dream about
the damp cave of your mouth.
Your lips are always
finding a way to find mine.
You feel soft as a rose petal.
My fingertips slip down
the dark, smooth path leading
into your waistband.
You are a secret garden.
Inside your walls you do
as you wish, nothing stops you.
Hidden, you are free.
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141,437 Literary Works • 674,440 Reviews
Hi, Chanson!
I love that ending. "You are a secret garden", oh, that's beautiful.
Hmm. I'm not the greatest fan of this line. The words are so ordinary; we hear and see them so often that we can't focus on what they're supposed to mean. I'm afraid they block me from really feeling this bit. I hope you'll change them to a little more unusual ones.
I'm sorry, but I don't really like the parenthesis, either. I just think they don't fit into a poem. Then again, it's an effect I haven't seen used in a poem before. You just got me confused.
I like the "sense" stanzas in the second part. You know, "smell", "taste", "feel". They're keeping the thing together.
I liked the whole idea of this poem, it's beautiful, but still a little raw. Just fine. Keep writing.
(This is my 250th review.
Demeter xxx
This is pretty good. I struggled with it in some places, I must admit, but you have some good originality on your ideas you've used and the language that you've chosen to represent the certain feelings and situations.
I think you're first overall stanza - the ginormous one - was what set me off balance, I suppose. This may just be personal preference, but I dont really enjoy to read a poem where the stanzas are like... five pages long. But forget about that - just try and fit it into the flow of the last four stanzas.
I really liked the lines; Around you I am stripped of artificiality. because it could both be applied to the feeling of being natural in the forest, and also applied to the feeling of being in "love", stripped down to your feelings. I think you could use a different word to "artificiality" though because it kind of messes about with the flow that you've started to build.
Happy writing!
Nice! Kind of abstract, and very poetic and pretty. I don't know that much about poetry, but I'm learning, so bear with me.
I don't really like this line; it's not as personal as the rest of the poem. I think that if you said "my skin" then it might be better... but at the very least, you should delete "the," methinks.I half love, half hate this parenthetical bit. And I love it and hate it for the same reason: I'm not quite sure why you bothered with the parentheses. I think the love is dominating over the hate, though...
I really like this stanza. I'm not sure about the first line of it (because it seems irrelevant) but I love the rest of it.
"of the" should be two words. ^_~ Also, I think maybe you should say "I dream ABOUT the cave of your mouth" so that there isn't repetition of the word "of."
Overall, I really liked it. It feels romantic, yet wild, and very natural.
Please PM me if you have questions/comments about my critique!
I hope this helps somewhat!
~Azila~