You've got me down like a winter chill.
Only for you there are beats in my heart.
Not even the snow could our blossom kill.
The paling cold doesn't change the heat.
In the night, when every thing seems still,
I dream of me in your arms my sweet.
The flowers do grow, they laugh and they sing.
Your touch is the heat, away from winter now.
What better time for love, but spring?
You have my knees week, I ask how?
It must be true, kisses for my king.
Kisses for him, upon his bare brow.
Hot summer heat, I beg for some shade.
Beneath a tree we do lay, the birds above.
When I'm with you, my love will never fade.
Your lips on my heart, your eyes in my soul love.
Me for you, and you for me we must have been made.
The warmth of the moment, may we never be rid of.
As the trees turn yellow, orange and red.
Your fingers and lips leave hot trails on my skin.
Closer we get, the less un-shown and unsaid.
Fire burning inside, desire, the original sin.
But if we hold back, there shall be more regret.
For tomorrow there might not another chance had been,
we cannot change with the weather.
With all your heart, understand.
For once, for always, for now, for ever
It will always be us.
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Thanks Abigail. =D
Hi Channon! I love the concept of this poem, but the first thing I noticed about it is that you are restricted by your rhyme scheme. In fact, you are practically forced to write archaically because of your rhyme scheme. It almost seems like a sonnet, but sonnets generally have an ABAB-CDCD-EFEF-GG rhyme scheme. Shakespearean sonnets have ten syllables per line. So, since the poem doesn't exactly follow the requirements of a sonnet, I'm going to take the liberty of editing the rhyme scheme just a bit.
The things I highlighted in blue are the things I rephrased. I changed "me" to "myself" for the sake a grammar, and I highlighted "my sweet" in red because I'm not exactly sure what you're referring to here.
This stanza was absolutely beautiful. I loved it! :clap:
I highlighted the word "love," because, again, I'm not sure what you're referring to. Are you addressing your boyfriend/girlfriend -- whichever it may be -- in affectionate terms, or are you merely stating that you are in "love"? Or, perhaps, you're merely saying it for the sake of letting it roll of your tongue -- however, I find this last option rather unlikely.
The first line that I highlighted here in green isn't a complete sentence. I just realized this: you have punctuation at the end of nearly ever line, and that's not necessarily needed in poetry. All you need at the end of the that line is a comma, not a period, because the reader doesn't need to come to a complete halt right there.
Aw, this is so sweet! The imagery in this poem was extremely rich and apt, and it's a very nice concept, as I've said before. I know French is a beautiful language and all, but I might change the title to, "The Seasons of Love," just so people who don't know French will understand. Then again, it is pretty self-explanatory. Well, maybe you could call it, "Les Saisons de L'Amour (The Seasons of Love)." Or, you could even replace that first parenthesis with a colon and remove the second one altogether.
Well, I think my rant has come to a close. I certainly hope this helps, and I'd like to see more of your work, specifically poetry!
- Abigail